


When this nightmare ends

by JenniferT_Lavellan (orphan_account)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood Magic, Childhood Trauma, Double Life, Dreams and Nightmares, Elves, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Fluff, Grey Wardens, Inappropriate Humor, Insomnia, Lyrium, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, Mages, Mages and Templars, Night Terrors, Opposites Attract, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, True Love, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-10-30 06:53:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 67,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10871409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/JenniferT_Lavellan
Summary: After all these years, her life is finally catching up with her. Having left her family, her home to escape the terrors which haunted her, she now bears the mark and the people look up to her as the Herald of Andraste. Not only has Aria been thrown into the midst of war, but with the very Templar who had captured and sent her to the Circle. Conflicted with emotion, Aria should hate this man, she had played through the day she met him again. But when the time comes, she finds herself conflicted. Now she must choose between the mages she has feared all her life, or the Templars which imprisoned her to ally with.An adaption of Dragon Age: Inquisition.This is my first fanfic, I hope you enjoy it!Weekly updates for chapters.





	1. Haven

_Where am I_? The thought ran through Aria’s mind. Her head felt like it was about to split in two after the nightmare she had. True, it was not the first, but this one was different. It felt so real. As panic began to set in, Aria tried to move but her entire body felt like it was on fire, burning terribly. Her vision was blurred when she opened her eyes, but she knew this was not the Temple of Ashes. Scrunching her eyes shut again, Aria tried desperately to remember. Mother Drisella was educating her on the formalities of the day to come and what there was to expect, having not listened to Aria’s many pleas to leave. It was like being back home, with the Mother teaching her the Chant of Light. The deal was to get her to the Temple, then Aria could leave. But she knew deep down the Mother wanted more, she wanted to take Aria home. Everything was blank after that, all that ran through her mind was a blur of colour.

Whatever had happened to her had warranted a trip to a healer as her arm was covered in bandages. Begrudgingly, she pushed herself up from the cot where she lay. As much as she wanted to sleep more, Aria knew she needed to find out what in the Maker had happened. A squeal and a sudden crash caught Aria’s ears and her body stiffened as the realisation that she was not in fact alone had hit her. Kneeling on the floor was a young elven boy with his eyes widened, transfixed on her.

“Milady,” the child quivered. His hands were stretched out towards her until she shuffled slightly in a new sitting position where they quickly ran back to his body. His eyes widened at the sight of her and his hands began to tremble as he tried desperately to fix the crate he had dropped. “Please forgive me,” he stammered, “I did not mean to wake you…. I’m very sorry…. Please don’t….”

“Calm down, child, I mean you no harm.” Aria’s voice was harsh and her throat burned as she spoke. Although her entire body felt like it had been trampled by a druffalo, there was one pain she could not ignore. Her fingers gently prodded the bandage, trying to ascertain where the pain emanated from. The pain felt deep within, yet there seemed to be no centre point from where it originated. What had happened to her? Rubbing her palms over her eyes, Aria tried hard to remember once more. A green light, screaming and shouting, then darkness.  _Maker’s breath._

“Hurt me?” the boy said quizzically, bringing her away from her thoughts. “I could never think the Herald of Andraste would hurt me,” Her entire body stiffened.  _The Herald of what?_

“What did you just call me?”

“The Herald of Andraste, milady. Please forgive me but you must excuse me. Straight away, the Seeker said. To tell her straight away if you woke,” Aria tried to protest, another question sitting on her tongue but the young servant was out the chance before she could. Well, shit, she thought to herself as she began to remember. The Seeker Pentaghast, a warrior with a determination which had terrified Aria in her dreams. Although, it wasn’t a dream, it was real.  The memories came flooding back, and a wave of emotion overwhelmed her. With the memories returning, her head began to spin and her stomach twisted in knots. Aria screamed out as terror of the events seemed to engulf her, causing her to fall to her knees. Her body shook and it took all of her will not to throw the contents of her stomach across the floor as. The temple, the demons, the…the mark on her hand which was killing her. It was all real. All of those people who had died. Aria’s eyes filled with tears as she thought of Mother Drisella, one of the few people who had treated Aria with kindness was dead. But then another realisation set in. If the destruction of the Temple was real, that also meant-

Aria - still in bare feet- ran out through the door. The crisp air was cold and unforgiving against her skin. The breeches and tunic were doing little to nothing, and her toes were already frozen against the sprinkling of snow. It was hard to notice any of it though, her eyes were transfixed on the sky. The eerily beautiful breach made her body shiver. So that was real too then.

The whisper of the word ‘Herald’ made her blink. Looking around, the entire town she was standing in the centre of seemed to have stopped. It was as if she were walking through a gallery of statues. Lifeless bodies carved to show emotion of fear, confusion and hope.

“My… lady?” A voice to her left questioned. She quickly turned her head to see a young guard stepping towards her, frowning. “I am to escort you to the Chantry, if you would follow me,” he gestured forwards as he took a step. “Ah,” he paused, looking her up and down, his gaze stopping on her bare toes. “Umm, would you like to…ah, dress first? I believe there are clothes inside for you.” A faint colour of pink spread across the young guard’s cheeks and he let out an uncomfortable cough.

“Yes,” she replied a bit too quickly, “yes, of course.” Aria hurried back inside and slammed the door shut. There was still no sound outside; it would seem her audience of statues have not regained life.

A few minutes later- with a fair degree more of composure- Aria let the cold air greet her face once more. The crowd were not so silent now; a cacophony of whispers surrounded her. As she followed the guard, some comments she could not help but hear. The Herald, for one thing seemed to spread from every lip. But it was the others, saviour and murderer, hope and death. Some cheered as she walked past, whilst others turned in disgust. A sudden wave of panic overwhelmed her, causing her to linger on a step. Do they know? No, they can’t. If they did she would probably be in chains shipped off to the Free Marches already. No, some still believe her to be the cause of all of this.

As she neared the entrance to the Chantry, another body appeared by her side.

“Don’t worry Princess, your secret is safe,” Varric muttered. He must have read her like a book as the fear engulfed her for that second. Princess. How long had it been since she heard that? A nickname Varric had given her back in the Free Marches, much to her disagreement. But once that dwarf had made up his mind, it was difficult to convince him otherwise. She remembered the look on his face when they met at the Temple of Ashes. He recognised her straight away but thankfully he said nothing. It would not be long until Varric came to her for an explanation now he knew Aria was alive and well.

As soon as he had appeared by her side, he left again, moulding back into the crowd. She wanted to reach out to her friend, to follow him and to disappear into the masses as he did, but she knew it would be no use.

 “Finally, come with us,” Cassandra said flatly when Aria reached the top of the steps. A woman of few words, it seems. Along with her and Cullen, stood another two women she did not recognise. They eyed her with both amazement and caution. Aria’s eyes flickered up towards the Templar and she instantly regretted it as her face flushed with anger. It was difficult to stop her fists curling by her sides. How long had she dreamed she would meet this Templar again? To make him suffer as he had done to her.

Taking a deep breath, Aria did not say a word, but followed the group into the Chantry. At the far end of the building, they pushed through a heavy oak door into a dimly lit room. In the centre stood a wide table covered in maps and small figurine. Not a word was uttered whilst the group congregated around the table until the door was firmly shut behind them.

“Herald, it is most pleasing to see you awake. For a while, we thought you to be lost.” The dark skinned woman spoke politely. Her accent was thick as she rolled each letter so delicately. An Antivan. Her ruffled dress glimmered softly against the candle which sat at the top of her note board.

“Th..thank you.” Aria stammered in response, still trying to digest what was going on. Why had they waited for her, to question her? To sentence her for the destruction of the Temple? The room suddenly felt very hot and Aria glanced around in search for the exit. Only one, and it would likely be very obvious if she abruptly ran back out of it. Reluctantly, Aria knew her escape of this place would have to take place at a later date.

“You are most welcome. Allow me to introduce ourselves. You have met Seeker Cassandra and Cullen- our commander- already,” she gestured to the two warriors which stood on the opposite side of the table to her. They both nodded in response to their introductions. “This is Leliana, our spymaster” the Antivan continued, gesturing to the hooded woman to her left. Her skin was pale and her face was framed with short, orange hair.

“I am glad to see you well, Herald,” Herald, that word again. Aria nodded towards the spymaster, pushing a yellow tress behind her ear as she did so. Her voice was soft and welcoming, but there was an air of death about her that made Aria shiver.

“And I am Josephine, the Inquisition’s ambassador,” she bowed politely once more. “I understand you will have many questions- and we will try to answer as best we can- but we have a few of our own first,” Josephine said softly. This is a woman who has played the game for many years.

“Of course,” Aria replied smoothly, taking another breath to try and calm her beating heart. She needed to be very careful, they were watching her every movement now and they were going to dig into who she was. Lifting her head, Aria kept her body standing tall and rigid, but her hands sat behind her back fidgeting furiously with one another.

“Who are you?” Cassandra asked abruptly. Leliana gave her a scowl before turning back to Aria with a smile.

“Aria, a nobody really,” she replied and the others frowned. But Aria had told this tale many times now, she knew exactly what to say when the next question came. Cassandra let out a noise of disgust from the back of her throat, rolling her eyes at the elf before her.

“Where are you from? Your family name? Do not play dumb with me-.”

“Cassandra!” Josephine interject quickly. “Apologies, Herald. You understand with the recent events which have transpired, we are-rather desperately- trying to make wind of what has happened. I am sorry to tell you that you are unfortunately within the centre of this terrible mess,”

Aria nodded once more. “I am Aria, from the Free Marches. My father was a farmer there. After he died,” Aria paused, taking in a breath, “there was nothing for me there anymore. You likely know, elves are not treated particularly well in the Free Marches. Not that they are treated particularly well anywhere but, at home it was worse. I left shortly after his death to Fereldon. About four years ago, when I returned to The Free Marches, I was found by Templars and taken to Ostwick circle.” They stared at her as she continued the rehearsed tale of her false life, ensuring there was just enough detail not to pry. It made her stomach drop to admit she had been taken to Ostwick circle, but when the Templar who had captured her stood opposite, it would only be a matter of time before they knew the truth. Some of it, anyways.

“I hope there are no hard feelings between you two,” Leliana said, watching Aria for a response. That would explain the looks the Commander had been giving her, he had already remembered her. She did almost kill him, after all.

“Excuse me?”

“Between you and the Commander, it  _was_  he who sent you to the circle, yes?”

“Why do you ask if you already know?” Aria snapped. Her head continued to pound and she was in no mood for games. Maker, she did not miss the tricks people played in court.

“It is my job to ensure those in the Inquisition are true to us, Herald. I am here to find everything I can.” Aria’s heart sank at those words. Then it would only be a matter of time.

“Why were you at the Temple?” Cullen spoke finally, moving on from the questions on her past, thank the Maker. His voice was stern, and she looked at him for the first time since entering the room. He seemed larger, more muscular. A thin scar now resonated from his upper lip, which stretched as his mouth moved. He looked much older too, weathered. Aria had heard what had happened in Kirkwall, where her brother and Cullen were posted. That would not make Aria feel sorry for him though.

 “After the mages rebelled, I found myself back into Fereldon. It was in Redcliffe where I met with Mother Drisella, an old friend of mine. She lived near my Father’s farm and we had grown close when I was growing up. She was travelling to the Temple, but she was ill.” Aria began, refusing to look at the Commander once more. She could feel his gaze burning into her. “She was struggling with the journey, and asked me to accompany her there.”

“Mother Drisella, I heard she was ill,” Leliana spoke, her head dropping slightly, “why would she make the trip from the Free Marches if she was so unwell?”

“She believed the Maker Himself had asked her to make the pilgrimage. She said he came to her, and told her that only death would ensue if she did not go.” Leliana nodded. “It seems the Maker was wrong,” Aria added sadly, remembering her old friend. Her eyes welled up once more, she would never see Mother Drisella again. She would never be scolded for getting her dress covered in mud, or for sneaking off from lessons to go and practise fighting with her brothers.

“Not at all,” Leliana replied, making the others stare at his in confusion. “Without Mother Drisella, it would seem we would also be without you and your… ability.” Leliana’s gaze darted to Aria’s left arm, which was still covered in bandages.

“So, you don’t still think-“

“That you destroyed the temple, and everyone with it?” Cassandra interrupted. “No, it would seem not.” Arana was taken aback by the Seeker’s honesty. The room filled with an uncomfortable silence and Aria did not know where to look. At least they no longer thought she was the cause of such destruction. After what felt like a lifetime, Aria broke the thick fog of silence.

“What happens now?”

“It would seem that you are the key to all of this,” Cullen spoke cautiously, still watching her.

“We are going to close the Breach. To do that, we need you,” Cassandra said. Aria stiffened slightly. It would seem she would not be leaving here as quickly as she had planned.

“If you agree, we will support you as much as we can, which unfortunately right now will not be a great deal.” Josephine’s head lowered.

“Relax Josy, we will gain support. With the Herald alive, word will quickly spread. We can use this to our advantage,” Leliana replied, with a warm hand resting on her friend’s arm.

“And if I didn’t agree to this?” Aria asked quizzically, causing the rest of the room to turn to her rigidly.

“Likely, we will all die,” Cullen replied darkly, a slight smile spreading across his face.

“Brilliant,” Aria replied, “I guess I have little choice in the matter then.”

“We will have much to discuss, but I believe we have been in this room long enough for one day.” Josephine said, having perked up as the tension relaxed. “Herald, if you would join us tomorrow morning to discuss our next steps?” Aria nodded towards the ambassador. “Lovely, let us leave then, I do believe Solas wanted to see you, when you woke as well, I would recommend letting him check your mark.” With that, they made their leave. Aria stared down at her bandaged hand as the room emptied and the door shut.

“Herald?” Aria jumped as the deep voice came from across the table. She looked up to see Cullen still in the room, watching her.

“Commander,” she replied anxiously, trying to hide the worry that spread through her bones.

“I do hope we can put our past discrepancies behind us,” he said flatly, his eyes narrowing as he crossed the room to stand nearer to Aria. The way he looked at her, he was only thinking of one thing. Apostate.

“ _Our_  past discrepancies, Commander? I was unaware an attempt at freedom was such a crime.” She could feel her face redden as the anger built up inside her. This was the man who’d imprisoned her for Maker’s sake, how could she work alongside someone like this? Aria had always dreamed of the day she met him again, the things she wanted to do to him. She wanted him to hurt as much as she had done.

“Freedom? You were an apostate who’d had no training within a circle, it was only a matter of time before-,”

“Before what? Before I was possessed? Before I inevitably was forced to become an abomination? I had lived my life for 21 years with no such issues, but you still saw fit to lock me away because of a gift I had  _never_  used!” Aria couldn’t hold the conniptions any longer, the words poured from her mouth and it wouldn’t stop. Her chest heaved as her eyes locked to Cullen’s. His lips had narrowed and his hands were as clenched as hers. Although it would seem he was better at holding his tongue than she.

“ _Never_ used? You damn near killed me and my men that day!”

“And that is my only regret in life Commander, that I was not more successful that day.” Cullen stepped back, his mouth opened and closed again then his eyes narrowed as he stared her down.

“I was doing my duty, to protect those who could not protect themselves. Now I..  _We_  are here to support the Inquisition, that is all,” Cullen left the war room as quickly as he said his final words, leaving Aria on her own for the first time since she gained the mark. She collapsed onto the floor, floods of tears escaping as she let out a sob. No matter what she did, no matter where she went, her past would always come back to bite her.

 


	2. The mark

“You’re awake!” Solas said as she found him outside Adan’s workshop in the streets of Haven. “It seems my work was not a waste. That is good to know.” She had come to find Solas at first light. Yesterday’s revelations had been rather overwhelming, and Aria couldn’t bear to see anyone. Now, however, she knew this mark needed to be inspected.

“I believe I have you to thank for my survival. The Seeker says you stopped the mark from spreading.” Aria raised her left arm towards Solas. She had screamed when she removed the bandages last night. Aria thought she was hallucinating, or had gone mad when her hand glowed in front of her. No matter how many times she looked at it though, it wouldn’t disappear.

“Not stopped, only delayed unfortunately.”

“Oh,” Aria said. Her body sunk slightly at those words. It seems the mark would still kill her. Solas flinched when his fingers met the bare skin on her hand. He brushed where the mark sat, which now only tingled rather than burned on her skin. Solas turned her arm back and forth, scrutinising it from every angle possible.

“It is good to know I am not the only apostate in the camp anymore,” he smiled slightly as he met her eyes, causing her to quickly look away.  Apostate.  It was strange to hear it, but it was true. Even her family did not know of her abilities. She always commended herself with how well she was able to control them, to hide them from view. She carried no staff- she preferred the feel of her swords and truth be told she did not need one to cast- and it was rare that she would use her powers. It was not with the inability. The years at the circle had given her much knowledge on the subject, however much she did not want it.

“Yes. I am a… mage but..” Aria’s voice trailed off. It was the first time she had said the words aloud since revealing to Caleghan, he had the same look of confusion Solas bore now.

“You do not use your gift,” Solas finished her sentence. A frown now replaced his smile, he clearly didn’t condone her choices. “I saw you fight at the Temple, you were quite formidable with your blades, but imagine what you would be if your bent the very world around you?”

“How is it? The mark, I mean,” Aria quickly interjected, changing the subject.

“It has stopped spreading, which is good. Although I will strengthen the wards I have placed nonetheless,” Aria watched, mesmerised, as Solas began uttering the words which had saved her life. His hands suddenly grew warm on her skin as the air around them began to glow. Wisps of crimson light spun around her and flew into her hand. When the first was absorbed, Aria couldn’t help but flinch, she expected to feel it and it to hurt. But there was nothing, not even a tickle when it touched her. Then, it all stopped, disappeared in the blink of an eye. “If it changes in any way, you must come back. We cannot have you dying before this war is over, too much depends on you.” Solas said dryly. It was difficult to tell if he was joking or not.

“Depends on me,” she repeated, barely a whisper. Solas raised a brow causing Aria to blush. “Thankyourforyourhelp,” She murmured before turning and quickly pacing off. Josephine had given her quarters within the Chantry which she began walking towards, anywhere to be away from prying eyes. Solas was right; she was the one with this mark, the one who could close the rifts which had ripped through the world. Nobody else.  Her pace quickened further as her chest began to heave. At the top of the stairs-just within reach of her sanctuary- she froze. Standing just ahead, talking to a soldier, was Cullen. His gaze darted to her and he paused his conversation, saying whatever pleasantries to be excused before walking towards the panic stricken elf. Pretending to not have seen him, she turned on her heel and back down the stairs, trying hard to run as fast as she could.

“Herald!” she heard him call from behind but she did not turn, only quickened her pace. She did not stop until she was out of the gates of Haven, looking over the lake. The cold weather had turned the flowing water into a frozen field. Her knees buckled and her hands crashed into the snow and the freezing touch made her gasp.

_Everyone depends on me_ , she thought once more.  _Shit._ Her breathing quickened and she scorned herself for it. _Calm yourself. You are better than that._ Slowing her breaths, Aria lifted herself up from the cold ground. She listened to wind whistling around her, feeling it brush against her skin, causing the hairs to stand on end. As she watched the frozen water in front of her, her eyes suddenly widened. They will only depend on her if she agrees to it. She still has a choice.

Tonight. She will leave tonight. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a shorter chapter. I am trying to show my Herald's unhealthy coping mechanism of fleeing, which she has done all of her life. Let me know your thoughts :)


	3. An intrusive friend

_I’m sorry,_

_Aria_

She had spent hours trying to figure out what to write. At one point, Aria nearly wrote down everything. Her family name, why she left, what she had done. All of it. If they learnt who she was though, it would not be long until her family knew she was alive. Giving up, this was all Aria could write. It was better than nothing; at least they would know she was a coward. They would hate her and that’s ok. It’s the right thing to do, she reminded herself. That’s what Aria had told herself all these years. That’s what she would continue to tell herself.

 Aria checked her bag once more, everything was accounted for. She had feigned sickness when eating, taking the food to her room instead. The pieces of bread and meat she had taken were now wrapped up safely in side, along with a few potions she had managed to snatch from Adan while he wasn’t looking. She wasn’t proud of it but she had no choice. Pushing back the feeling of guilt, Aria pulled on her cloak and headed to the door. Pressing her ear against the cold wood for a moment, she listened carefully for anyone outside. Only silence. That didn’t mean anyone was watching however. Thank the Maker for the cold winds of the Frostbacks. Her bag was hidden under her cloak, along with her weapons. If anyone did see her, they would likely think that sleep had evaded her that night. Slowly, she opened the door ajar slightly, peering out into the darkness. Her elven eyes made it easier for her to see in the dark than most humans. As there were no figures, in view anyways, she ventured out, closing the door to her room for a final time.

To her right, the door to the war room opened. Swiftly, she dived to her left into a darker alcove. Coming out of the door, holding a lamp for a dull light, was Cullen. It would seem she was not the only night owl in Haven. She watched the dark figure walk silently down the corridor, veering towards his own chambers. Even in the dark, she could still make out his chiselled features. Not donning his armour, he wore a loose shirt covering his torso instead. He looked rather strange without armour, it was almost like it was a part of him that couldn’t come off. Aria was sure Cullen’s shirt had not been fastened properly, revealing some of his chest. She felt her face warm as she realised she was trying to see the Commander’s bare skin.

Once the night owl had disappeared into his own chambers, and the hall was empty once more, Aria left the refuge of the alcove and made for the exit. Her steps were quick and silent, something she had learnt to do when on the road. Outside, the snow had begun. Aria cursed at the impeccably poor timing, but it did not cause her to hesitate. She glided down towards the gates, each footstep silent. Once, she passed a patrol guard walking through, whom she nodded to. Even though her arrival to Haven was relatively recent, she was well known. The guard nodded back, saying ‘Herald’ politely whilst continuing his walk. Aria let out a sigh of relief when there were no questions to why she was walking the streets at this time. It was really happening, Aria felt her heart skip as she made it closer.

 When she reached the gates, she knew he was close. Dennett, the horse master, kept his horses in the stables just outside the gates. There were some beautiful creatures, ones that Dennett was very proud of. It would not take him long to realise one missing so she would need to be fast. If she rode all through the night then hopefully there would be enough distance from here before they realised what she had done. All she had to do was get to a horse and then she would be-

“Bit late for a walk, don’t you think?” the voice came from behind her, and it was no doubt who it belonged to. Turning back to the gates, she found Varric, leaning against the wall. There was a rather thick covering of snow on his cloak, which he brushed off as he stepped towards her. Maker’s breath, had he been waiting for her?

“I couldn’t sleep,” Aria began, but Varric just shook his head.

“After you were feeling so ill at dinner? I do hope you’re feeling better Princess,” he said sarcastically.

“Yes, much better thank you,” she replied, a little too quickly, in an attempt to continue with her lie. “Now if you will excuse me, I-”

“Come with me,” Varric interrupted, uninterested in her tale, as he began to walk down to the lake. They stood almost in the exact spot where she had made the decision to leave earlier that day. A wash of guilt fell over her when she looked at Varric standing there. He stood rigid, watching Aria as she shuffled like a child about to be told off by her father. 

“I guess you don’t remember,” he said, finally. Aria didn’t respond, merely waited for her friend to explain. “In Kirkwall, when your brother brought you to me for sanctuary. The whole, I’m too ill to eat with you, I must take it to my room thing? You used the same bullshit when you fled that night, too.” Aria swore under her breath, unable to look her friend in her eye. “I assume the food’s in your bag, huh?”

“Varric, I,” Aria began, but she could not find the words. She couldn’t look at him. Aria would thank the Maker himself if the ground swallowed her up right now.

“Did you honestly think I would let you run again?” He raised his voice this time, taking Aria by surprise. Varric was always so calm, his voice so warming. Not here, not tonight. “Do you really think I would let you risk your life again? I made a promise to Caleghan. I vowed I would look after you.” He raised his hands up into the air and shook his head. “Does he even know?” Aria shook her head.

“It is better this way, Varric,” her voice was barely a whisper. His eyes widened at her response, the moonlight reflecting against them to show his shock. It  _was_  better her brother thought her dead. He has had time to grieve, and he would not search for her.

“Oh, Princess, you honestly believe that, don’t you?” Varric shook his head. He began to walk back towards Haven. For a moment, Aria thought he had washed his hands of her, to leave her to her own devices and that damn near broke her heart. The one person in Haven Aria could be honest with, who wants to help her and she throws it in his face. Again.

“So what was your plan? To run off into the wilds of Fereldon like last time?” Varric paused, turning back to face her. “You do realise the world has gone to shit, yeah?”

“I didn’t say it was a particularly good plan,” Aria confessed. What was her plan? She hadn’t thought much past escaping Haven. No, she wasn’t escaping, she was running away. Like she always did.

“I almost understood last time. After everything you had been through, I was honestly surprised you hadn’t done it years ago. But now? What is so terrible you have got to run away from?” Varric sighed. He almost looked defeated, which caused Aria’s heart to drop. This was her fault.

“They don’t know… they don’t know who I am.” Aria began. “What happens when they find out?” Her body was trembling now. She could feel tears streaming down her face and she hugged herself tightly. The memories of her past began to flood into her mind and she let out a gasp. Concerned, Varric placed a soft hand on her arm, making her open her eyes. “To relive the memories which haunt me, I… I don’t think I can.” Her bottom lip was shaking as she spoke.

Varric sighed again, tightening his grip on her arm. “Then you don’t have to. Not until you’re ready.”

“But they will find out eventually?” she finally looked down at Varric and their eyes met. He played an excellent match of wicked grace, but right now he showed everything. He was worried.

“They will, Princess. But when they do, you won’t face it alone.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn Varric, always the voice of reason! I'm excited to reveal how he knows the Herald so well, and the life she lived before Haven.


	4. An unwelcome companion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aria is struggling to hide her past, with more people becoming more suspicious of who she really is.

“Hold her still.”

“Mother, please,” Aria begged. Her hands were tied, her skin bare and bloodied. She jerks in her restraints, but her wrists are all cut deep from her metal constraints.  She tries to push up but cold hands force her back down.

“Please!” She screams, but nobody listens.

“It is time,” the dagger sliced across her skin and she screamed. She screamed louder than anyone could, but nobody listened. Nobody cared.

_Why would they?_

Aria woke covered in sweat. Her blankets were thrown onto the floor and her hands were shaking. Another nightmare. Andraste, when will they end? Clumsily, she walked across her room to the basin of water. It was freezing to the touch, but she did not mind. Aria lifted the cloth and wiped the residue from her face. Her hands still shook terribly, but she welcomed the cool touch against her burning skin.

It had been three months since she arrived in Haven, three months since she gained the mark. It made her head spin how fast everyone had gone from calling for her head on a pike to kissing her arse for sealing the rips in the world. Aria had become accustomed to those calling her the Herald of Andraste, even if she did not believe it herself. At least she had been absorbed in the world of the game, and understood the fickleness of people.

Aria gave herself a mental shake. She needed to prepare for yet another long and arduous meeting with the Inquisition’s leaders. She knew what the conversation would be, how they need more influence and power across Thedas, and how they needed the support of the Mages or Templars to do that. She also knew how it would end, with either herself or Cullen storming out of the war room after yet another row. Truth be told, she wanted neither party – Aria had discussed with Josephine about a third option but it was for naught- although she would not allow the Commander to stand there and say Templars are the way forward. Aria knew better than most that they were cruel, uncaring and vindictive.

Sighing, she rummaged around her room in search for a leather band to tie her knotted hair back. It felt unnatural to her, to reveal her identify in such a way. She had spent so many years hiding her ears, pretending to be something she’s not. It felt strange to then be able to show her true form. Already feeling the tiredness engulf her, Aria took a deep breath, gave herself another shake, and left her room.

“Herald!” Josephine called, hurriedly walking over to Aria. “I was just coming to find you, are you ready?” Josephine smiled sweetly. Aria felt blessed to have the ambassador on their side, the work she had done for the Inquisition was infallible.

“Yes, apologies I let time get the best of me it would seem,” Aria replied, returning the smile, if a little weaker than the Antivan.

“No need for apologies. Come, we will begin.”

“Of course,” Aria nodded, following Josephine to the war room. Leliana and Cullen were already in there waiting for them when she arrived.

“Sorry I’m late,” Aria said, stifling a yawn. She couldn’t remember ever feeling this tired. There was little point sleeping because it gave her no refreshment whatsoever.

“Will this take much longer,” Cullen crowed, giving a glare towards Aria, who snorted in derision and rolled her eyes. She was in no mood for his childish tantrums today. “I have new recruits I need to attend to.”

 “I am aware Commander, you have mentioned this many,  _many_  times. However, we need to discuss our possible alliances with the Mages or Templars,” Josephine said finally. “Neither side will talk with us, over fear of the other.”

Aria sighed, pinching her nose slightly, “They have made their beds on the matter, why must we waste our time with either party?”

“They will give us the power we need,” Leliana replied. “It is our only way of-”

“Closing the Breach, I know,” Aria interrupted. Her fingers continued to massage the bridge of her nose for a moment.

“Our best chance of closing the breach is with the Templars,” Cullen interjected. “They are more than capable whereas the Mages are too much of a threat.” He didn’t take long this morning, sometimes he would at least listen to Leliana and Josephine before chiming in.

“Whilst the Templars just ooze trust and safety?” Aria snapped. “I do recall them being a delight in Val Royeaux,”

“At least with the Templars we would not have abominations running amok in the camps,” Cullen snidely remarked.  Aria felt the anger build inside her. Not this argument again.

“Abominations? Are you truly that ignorant that you think every mage is an abomination? If that was true, why have you not already rammed a sword through  _my_  heart?” Aria clenched her fists slightly.

“Please, not this-” Josephine tried to intervene, but for naught.

“I will not have my men under threat of Mages in our camps,”

“And I will not have the mages already in the camp in fear of imprisonment or tranquillity by the Templars! They have suffered enough to then face the brutality they endured within the Circles once more, _Commander._ ” She watched as Cullen’s face turn red slightly at the comment.

“Brutality? What would truly know of the circles, Apostate,” the last word slipped off his tongue like poison. It sank deep into Aria, no matter how much she tried to escape this world, he was right.

“Enough!” Leliana slammed her fist against the table, “arguing is going to get us nowhere!” Aria and Cullen both shuffled awkwardly, finally aware of the audience of their argument. They muttered apologies whilst refusing to glance towards each other.

Aria sighed once more. She had tried hard to avoid this, but she knew what must be done. Leliana was right, they needed the Mages or the Templars help, even if she didn’t want it. Aria had thought this over for several days now and truly believed she had thought of a plan which could actually work in their favour. At least it would end the vicious cycle of arguments. “The attempts to negotiate with either party will continue to fail.” She began, all eyes now shifted to her. “If we  _must_  gain their support, then the only way to really make them see reason would be to send an envoy to speak the words of the Inquisition in person.” Josephine mused over her words carefully, scanning the documents on her writing pad.

“That,” she said finally, “could work, if we send the right people of course.”

“I will go,” Aria said flatly.

“Yes,” Leliana said, “If we send the Herald, they just might listen to us.”

“But what of-” Cullen began, his voice lower this time. He was not the only one who feared the wrath of the Spymaster.

“I will go to Redcliffe  _and_ Therinfal.” Aria interrupted. She finally let her fists relax against her thighs, although it was difficult. “Don’t worry, your little Templar friends will hear what I have to say as well.”

“We should think carefully who will go with you, the journey will be dangerous and we cannot ascertain their welcome will be a positive one,” Josephine said, placing her pad on the table to rummage through her notes. “Perhaps a small force of soldiers?”

“Sending soldiers with the Herald will be seen as a threat. If you arrived in force, they will at best cut off all contact. At worst, they would attack you directly.” Leliana interjected. She was right, of course.

“But the Herald cannot go alone.” The group stood around the table, lost in thought over their new plan. Aria stroked her fingers softly against themselves. Exhaustion was becoming more apparent over her and she was struggling to think of much else other than her bed.  _Focus_.

“I will go with her,” Cullen said finally. The others stared at the Commander in disbelief. Did he truly just say that? Aria rubbed her eyes, adamant that her tiredness had caused her to begin hallucinating.  

“What?” Aria yelled, incredulous to what she had just heard.

“Are you sure that is wise, Commander?” Josephine asked, her eyes flicking to the Herald as she did. The ambassador shared the same thought as Aria, then. Cullen only nodded, his jaw stiff and rigid. The man never could relax, but this was something else. If he tried to move he would likely snap.

Leliana did not share her friend’s frown but spoke with a heartfelt tone. “This could work in our favour, Josy. If we send a known former Templar along with our Herald, who is also a mage, it could be the demonstration of unity within the Inquisition we’ve been looking for.”

“But I am not-” Aria said, almost a whisper. A mage, she wanted to say. Although it was impossible to explain her disdain towards her own gift and that of others without admitting why.

“We will need to send word of this, make it known that the Herald and Commander will be travelling to Redcliffe and Therinfal,” Josephine hurriedly gathered up all of the parchment she had strewn over the table. “I will begin the arrangements at once. Herald, I will organise a new staff for you so you truly look the part. Leliana, send word to our Horse master, he will need to prepare also.” With that, the ambassador rushed out of the war room with a spring in her step.

“You have truly made her day, you know that?” Leliana smirked as she too made her way out. When she reached the door, she paused and turned to face the Herald once more. “Prepare yourself for this journey, Josy will not wait. If I were you, I would expect to be leaving  _very_  soon.”

“Maker’s breath” Aria muttered to herself as Leliana left the room. Cullen, however, seemed to linger. Aria was in no state to deal with the Commander any longer, and made for a swift exit also.

“Herald, a moment?” her fingers lingered on the doorknob when Cullen spoke. She could just ignore him, make for an exit. But that would only cause more tension. Tension she was trying desperately to evade. Reluctantly, she turned back to face him. After three months, Aria thought it would be easier to be around him, but it wasn’t. Every time she looked at the Commander, all she saw was the Templar who imprisoned her. She saw the Templar who would not listen to reason, who ignored her cries and pleads as he pinned her down and bound her. Aria stiffened as the memories came rushing back.

“Why did you do that?” she blurted abruptly. Her blood boiled as she eyed him up and down.

“Excuse me?”

“You have duties here, why would you volunteer yourself so?” She felt her anger rising further. “There are other Templars who could have come if you were so desperate for one to join me. So why  _you_? Do you really thing I wanted this?”

 

“I am trying to help the inquisition _,_ _Herald_ _,_ in whatever way is necessary,” he replied calmly as he leant against the pommel of his sword.

“Bullshit!” Aria screamed, her fury taking hold around her once more. “You say you are a Templar no more, but I see the way you watch me. Waiting for the day I turn so you can finally finish what you started, is that it?”

“And you call me ignorant? It might be a surprise for you to learn that not  _everything_ is about you!” he bellowed back. Aria had to leave, if she stayed she didn’t know what she would do. Actually, she did, and it would end with one of them dead.

“Fuck you,” Aria hissed.  Not waiting for a response, she turned on her heel and fled the room, slamming the door fervently as she did.

It was nightfall when Aria was finally ready for the journey ahead. She had used the excuse of preparing for the trip to avoid anyone else, staying on her own, even though it was yet to be announced when they would leave. Aria kept her fingers crossed for some disaster amongst Cullen’s recruits which forced him to stay behind.

For once, however, the solitude did not help. She could not figure out how to deal with the situation ahead of her. Walking out of the Chantry, Aria made her way to the tavern, hopefully Varric would still be there. It was late, but it was here she found her companions. Alongside Varric was Sera and The Bull. Aria weaved through the crowd and sat down at the table, pulled the nearest drink towards her- unperturbed who it belonged to- and downed the entire contents. A slight hiccup came out as she placed the tankard back down.

“Nice one, Boss!” The Bull hit her on the back, a grin spreading across his face. “This is going to be a good night, I’ll go get some more drinks,” The table shook as Bull stood and made his way over to the bar.

“Hey, get me some-” Sera slipped off her stool all of a sudden, causing her to yelp as she landed on the floor. She did not, however, return to her seat but stayed lying on the ground murmuring to herself. Aria rolled her eyes, her lips twitching upwards.

“How much has she had?” Aria groaned, eyeing the empty tankards which covered the table.

“Nearly as much as Bull. He bet her five gold that she couldn’t keep up with him,” Varric replied, much more composed than the elf on the floor.

“Andraste, she is going to kill herself.”

“Hey, I’m a grown up, sod off,” Sera slurred, dragging herself back to the table. Bull returned with a fist full of drinks, with Flissa following with another tray. Maker, this was going to be a busy night.

“Alright!” Bull boomed, a mischievous grin spreading across his face. “Let’s get this party started.” He patted Aria on the back, making her cough and splutter as she tried to take another drink.

“So what’s eating you, Boss?”

“I’m leaving for Redcliffe soon.”

“Nice, we gonna kill some more stuff, yeah?”

“I wish you guys were coming,” Aria sighed. “But no, I’m to meet with the Mages and Templars to discuss an alliance.”  She knew at least if they were there, there would be a slightly higher chance that she wouldn’t kill Cullen or at least seriously maim him. Although, if she  _did_  wound him enough, he would have to return to Haven and she could continue the journey in peace. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

“So that’s what’s got you in such a fettle?” Varric asked.

“I’m going with Cullen.”

“Well, shit.”

“Whose idea was that?” Bull asked, downing the contents of his drink and pulling Sera’s towards him. The elf was almost passed out at this point. She mumbled some slurs as the tankard parts from her fingers but they didn’t last long.

“Mine. Well not that part but the trip was. Then that bloody fool offered to come with me.”

“Damn, Boss, I’m sorry,” Bull said, patting Aria again, and causing her to splutter again, this time soaking the semiconscious elf. Sera jumped up in a fright, her drunken eyes barely open and watching the rest of the group.

“Everything alright there?” Aria asked, struggling to contain her laughter.

“Fine, your lady bits, why d’you ask?” Sera said, holding herself up with all of her strength. Which was apparently not very much as it was not long until her head slipped off her hand and crashed back onto the table. Aria couldn’t contain her laughter this time and tears streamed down her face as she held her sides tight.

“Right, who’s up for a game of Wicked Grace?”

 +++

It was nightfall when Cullen had finished his meticulous preparations for the journey ahead. There had been no decision yet to when they would leave, although he knew it would be soon. He still felt shocked at his volunteering act earlier. It was clear at least, that he had finally lost his mind. No sane person would offer to travel alone with that woman. There were no words to describe the tension between him and Aria. It made his stomach churn now just thinking about the journey ahead.  _It will all be fine, you know it was the only way._ He didn’t trust her for a moment. There would be no way she would even bother with the Templars. Cullen knew the Herald was only interested in the Mages. Yet he couldn’t understand why, even  _she_ was wary of them, and she was one!

Cullen’s head began to throb as he played through everything that could go wrong with this trip. Mostly, it ended up in the two arguing so much they killed on another. Although, if she was just injured enough, then she would have to return to Haven and he could continue the journey in peace. That might just work.

Quietly - Cullen only just heard it- the door knocked, pulling him from his thoughts. Before he could open it, Leliana silently snuck through a crack, shutting it behind her with haste. Her hands were left pressed slightly against the oak.

“Commander, a word if you will,” her voice was soft, but demanding. Cullen raised his hand, welcoming her in.

“Is there something wrong?” he asked, trying to read the Spymaster, impossible a job it may be.

“Josephine has asked that you make leave at first light. I understand it is short notice but she has had some strange reports from Redcliffe, ones that we do not want to postpone with.”

“Oh, right,” Cullen replied. He knew it would be soon, but Maker,  _tomorrow?_ That is not nearly enough time to mentally prepare for the tribulations ahead. “Thank you, I will finish preparations.”

“There was one other thing, Commander,” Leliana spoke softer this time, her tone cold and icy.

“Is there a problem?”

“That would depend,” her voice trailed off, before she blinked twice, quickly turning to look at Cullen. She wandered across the room to his desk, brushing her fingers gently against it. Her fingers stopped on a quill left on his desk, picking it up to fondle.

“Yes?”

“There is something I need you to do on this journey,” Leliana stated finally, her back still ton Cullen, the quill still loosely between her fingers. Her arms were now crossed as she turned to watch him carefully. She was gaging his reaction to whatever was to come next. “I need you to watch the Herald.” Cullen let out a cough, lifting his hand to his mouth to try and cover it. She was a mysterious woman, but even this was a shock.

“I’m not sure I understand,” he replied, still coughing slightly in his response.

“You took her to Ostwick Circle, yes? But what did you know of her life before that? What do any of us know? I have had my people search for information, yet there is not a single trace of her before her time there.”

“You think she is hiding something?” Cullen already knew the answer, he had thought the same. Aria was always strangely vague when discussing her past, giving exactly the same answer to anyone who had asked. It was too rehearsed.

“I  _know_  she is. It could be nothing, but I would not forgive myself if I did not find out what it was. Watch her, listen to her, this could be the chance to discover who she really is.” Leliana dropped the quill back on the desk and glided over to the door. Her hands now pressed against the wood, she paused for a moment.

“I truly hope this is nothing Commander, yet I am sure you understand the severity this could have on the inquisition if we do not act now.” She left Cullen standing, mouth agape, in the centre of the room. He brushed a hand through his hair back and forth, before resting on the knot on the back of his neck. What if this was something though? At least he wasn’t the only one in the Inquisition who was suspicious of the Herald. True, she had helped them beyond compare, and her actions truly benefited them. She had acted selflessly, throwing herself into battle to defeat and destroy rifts across Fereldon. But, she  _was_  an apostate, that thought could not leave Cullen’s mind. He couldn’t help it, Maker only knows what Aria did in her life before the Circle, but he was going to find out. Nodding to himself in acceptance of his task, he made his way to the stables.

 

“Careful Boss!” Cullen could hear Bull shouting down the street. He frowned, rubbing his fingers across his forehead. No doubt the qunari and the Herald have taken it upon themselves to try and drink haven dry. Cullen sighed as he continued his path, quickening his pace so he could get past them as soon as possible. When he turned the corner, he knew he could no longer ignore the group he had stumbled upon. Sitting on the floor- completely hammered- was the Herald. Sera was slung over the qunari’s shoulder- who was using the wall to hold himself upright as well. Cullen knew Bull had a high tolerance to alcohol, so even a slight dishevelment on his behalf means they had drunk a bloody lot. Varric leaned against the tavern door, laughing at the Herald on the floor. She too was laughing, her hand covering her face as she tried- and failed- to get up again.  _Oh, for Maker’s sake- really?_  Cullen stormed over, eyeing the group. Aria’s laughter quickly stopped and her lip lifted as if she had a bad smell under her nose.

“Oh great,” she slurred, grabbing onto the wall to lift herself up. “Guess the party’s over guys! Commander stick up his arse is here,”

“What in the bloody Maker are you doing?” he demanded, and it would seem the others sensed the tone she was clearly oblivious to.

“Uhh, I better get this one to a bed,” Bull quickly said, hurrying off with the unconscious elf still over his shoulder. Cullen stepped forwards, grabbing the Herald’s arm and pulling her to her feet. She tried to pull away but her clear intoxication made it difficult and Cullen only tightened his grip.

“A word,” he hissed, dragging her away from prying eyes. By this point, most of the tavern seemed to be out of the door watching the Herald make a fool of herself. She’s supposed to be a symbol of hope for this people! She has a reputation to uphold and here she is in a fucking squalor. Cullen couldn’t hold his anger anymore. He was supposed to travel to Redlcliffe and Therinfal to aid the Inquisition with _this_ woman?

“Get your hands off me,” she mumbled, half-heartedly pulling her from his ever tightening grip.

“You are making a fool of yourself,” he barked at her. He wanted to shake some sense into her, but how long would that take? This woman was beyond help.

“Oh fuck you,  _Commander,_ what do you even care?”

“You are drunk.”

“Oh, you noticed? You should try it sometime, might make you loosen up for once in you tedious life.” Aria let out a horse laugh, clapping sarcastically in front of him. Could she take anything seriously? Everything was a game to her, it was like dealing with a child. No, at least a child would listen to a figure in authority.

“Getting yourself so drunk the point of belligerency is pathetic, you are supposed to be a symbol of hope for these people but you are acting like a spoilt child!” His tone could have cut through steel. Cullen stood tall with an expression he kept especially for recruits who had stepped out of line. For a moment, he thought it had worked as her mood seemed to calm.

That was until she spoke again. “You don’t frighten me,” she hissed, her eyes narrowing and any humour she had had now left her. “You Templars are all the fucking same, but you won’t scare me anymore, not now.” Scare her? The  _nerve_  of this woman. He is trying to save at least a shred of her decency and she throws it back in his face. Cullen shook his head, how he would love to just wash his hands of her, to never have to think of her again. Not only must he work with her, but now he has to travel alone with her!

 “Go to your quarters and sleep this off,” Cullen ordered, throwing her arm from his grip. She stumbled back but just managed to keep her stance. “We leave at first light by the way,” A slight smile across his face as he watched the horror of that information sink in to her. The Commander left Aria in the street and continued down to the stables. Although the Maker only knows what he had wanted to do down there now. He rubbed a hand through his hair, wondering truly if they would both survive this trip without killing each other.

 


	5. Into the Hinterlands

“Just a minute!” Aria shouted. Her head still covered under the blankets, Aria cursed Bull for this. A simple game of Wicked Grace was going so well until he bet her she couldn’t keep up with him. Normally, Aria would know better than to make such an impossible deal with the qunari, but her inebriated mind got the better of her. And Maker, her head now hurt. Another knock came, louder this time. What was so urgent that they needed to wake her at such an hour. In fact, what _was_ the time? Aria instinctively believed it to be in the early hours of the morning but truly she had no idea. There was no avoiding this; she must leave the sanctity of the bed. It was so warm, so welcoming in comparison. Standing up only made her head pound more and her nausea even worse. She slowly made her way to her door, her head spinning slightly still as she tried hold to contain the contents of her stomach. Bull better be just as bad, she would make him pay for this. Clenching her eyes for a moment, she tried to remember the night’s events, but after the seventh drink, it was all very fuzzy. She remembered laughing a lot, which was a nice feeling juxtaposed against her hangover. Oh…shit. Cullen arrived and Aria had shared with him  _exactly_ how she felt.

_Great, well done Aria, you’ve only gone and dropped yourself in it again. Keep your head down, that was the plan, what a cracking job you’ve done._

Another knock came. “Finally,” Cassandra snapped when Aria opened the door. The Seeker eyed the Herald up and down, her disgusted gaze stopping on her dishevelled hair and face. If she looked as bad as she felt, it was no wonder Cassandra gave Aria such a dirty look. “You’re late.”

“What for?” Aria mumbled, there were no meetings arranged today?

“Maker, how much did you drink? You are leaving for Redcliffe,  _two_  hours ago.”

“Oh, shit,” Aria muttered. Cassandra did not reply, apart from making a disgusted noise towards Aria. She was used to it now, the Seeker did not hide her abhorrence towards Aria. Cassandra turned to leave, and Aria darted back into her room to prepare herself.

Not five minutes later, she was dressed, with her swords attached, her cloak on and her blonde tresses loosely tied back. Aria sighed at the thought of the journey ahead. If only a rift would open up now and swallow her up so she wouldn’t have to take part in this horrific trip.

Her head only worsening, Aria rushed out of the Chantry and down to the stables. She had caught up with Cassandra by the time she reached the gates. At the stables seemed to be half of Haven. But there was one person who did not stand out, Cullen. He wasn’t there. Aria grinned slightly at the thought of the Commander changing his mind, or worse, being even later than she. She couldn’t help but let out a chuckle imagining Commander Stern’s face turning up late for  _anything_ , never mind something so important.  Cassandra glanced her way, rolled her eyes whilst making yet another disgusted noise.

“Herald, I have already packed you some papers of information I would recommend you and Cullen going through before arriving at Redcliffe. I do apologise we have not had the opportunity to discuss these in person but it was deemed only necessary that you leave as soon as possible,” Josephine smiled and bowed slightly. Leliana, standing next to the ambassador, did not speak but merely nodded in response of the Herald’s arrival. Alongside them were Bull and Varric, whilst Dennett was nearby attending to the horses.

“Good to see you still standing, Boss,” Bull laughed, grinning at Aria as he patted her on the shoulder. For once she didn’t have a drink to splutter everywhere as he did, but she still felt her cheeks blush slightly at the comment. It was clear to all why she was late, and most likely she was surrounded with the sweet stench of ale, but she still felt embarrassed for it to be declared publicly.

“Don’t you spend any of that gold, you owe me a drink when I return,” Aria was sure Bull did it on purpose. At the beginning of the night, Aria played her game brilliantly and the gold poured into her. Yet as the drinks continued to decant, Aria’s winnings quickly dissipated into the qunari’s pockets. Somehow, she would get him back though, Aria had promised herself that.

“When  _we_ return you mean,” Bull winked. Aria felt her mouth drop slightly. She glanced over to Josephine who shook her head, clearing not happy with this.

“Varric was  _most_  insistent they join you.” Josephine frowned. Aria turned to the dwarf, who had not yet uttered a word. He smiled slightly, waving a hand.

“I think Ruffles is trying to say I have a very strong argument,” he said, smiling once more.

“Basically, we are here to make sure you and Cullen don’t kill each other before you meet with the mages,” Bull interjected.

“Tactfully, put as ever,” Varric said sarcastically.

“Wait, so you are actually going to ride a horse?” Aria teased at Varric. The dwarf frowned slightly at the thought, glaring over at the creatures Dennett was preparing.

“As I said, I had a really great argument,” Varric sulked and Aria was sure she saw the dwarf let out a shiver. The memory of when she met Varric was clear as day. He looked like he was about to shit himself when her brother’s horse reared up at him as they arrived in Kirkwall. He was as white as a ghost for about three days after that and jumped at any sound which resembled a horse.

“You’re finally here, I see,” Aria turned to find Cullen glaring at her.  _She_  was finally here? What on Thedas was he talking about? She arrived before him!

“Curly decided to help some of his men with tactics when you hadn’t arrived, Princess,” Varric intervened quietly, clearly eyeing Aria’s position now. She felt her cheeks blush and her shoulders sink. Of course he did. Cullen, the king of organisation, would never be late. The Commander of punctuality would arrive at least thirty minutes early for anything. He was always the first in the war room, no matter what time the meeting was organised.

“Shall we make our leave?” he asked but had already answered it himself as he walked over to his horse. A pale Fereldon Forder by the name of Blue. Beside Cullen’s mount stood Bella, Aria’s horse. She was beautiful. Ebony black, with a white spot on the end of her nose and a ferocious nature Aria adored. Dennett had introduced her to Aria not long after she arrived and the mount had taken an insatiable liking to the Herald, she would not allow anyone else to ride her. Even the stable boys were uncomfortable near the mount; she did not like strangers. Aria reached out to pat Bella’s nose affectionately and the mount nuzzled into her hand. Then her hands froze as she glanced to the saddle. Just below- attached under her stirrups- was a staff. It made her stomach turn slightly as her fingers nearly brushed against the deep red metal. Fuck, Josephine really did it. Aria had never owned a staff before. Her teachers at the Circle tried to give her one but she refused without question. They had her use one enough when there, there was no way she was going to have one on her person all the time as well.

Sighing, Aria mounted her steed and took a deep breath to contain her nausea. Maker only hope that she at least makes it out of Haven’s grounds before she spewed.

++

The first day was not eventful although Aria did spend most of it trying to hold the contents of her stomach in against the swaying of Bella. She was first in the line of her party, so the sight of her throwing up over the side of her mount would not be missed by prying eyes and she was not going to give the Commander the satisfaction of something else to scold her for. Over the last few months, he had come to treating her like a child, something which infuriated her. At the back, she could hear Varric and Bull happily talking away. Bull was trying to convince the author to write him into one his stories again. Clearly, Varric was not as excited as The Bull about a potential new love interest in Swords and Shields. She couldn’t help but laugh as he- very graphically- described to Varric why he would be most suited.

It was midday when the group stopped. Not for a break, or for sustenance, but for the appalling sight before them. Aria could hear the Commander call for her to stop when she jumped from Bella but, ignoring him, Aria rushed over to the sight ahead. Since joining the Inquisition, she had spent many days within the Hinterlands and was no stranger to the quarrels between Mages and Templars, but this made her stomach wretch. It was a massacre.

“Shit,” Varric muttered under her breath as he eyed the bodies which were strewn across the fields. Men, women and children. They held no swords and wore no armour. Yet they had been butchered none the less. More refugees falling victim to the bull shit between Mages and Templars. Yet the Inquisition wanted an alliance with these parties? They were cruel, vindictive criminals who cared for nothing apart from themselves, how could they ally with them?

“Who could do this?” she said, barely a whisper as he knees buckled underneath her. Her eyes began to well with tears when a hand rested on her shoulder.

“Fuck, that’s a lot of death,” Bull growled.

“Come on, Princess,” Varric said solemnly, “there is nothing that we can do.” Although the massacre before her made her stomach churn, Aria couldn’t pull her eyes away. There were children here! Their lifeless eyes bored into her soul. If there were a Maker, he had a twisted mind.

Nodding, Aria let Varric help her to her feet as tears streamed down her face, falling onto the ground around her and continued on their travels.

 +++

Cullen felt the pain in his thighs from the days ride. He was no stranger to riding but it didn’t mean his body would not ache because of it.  After their finding earlier, Aria had been silent. Cullen had heard reports of such atrocities across Fereldon, but to witness it himself was something else. It was only more important than ever to secure the Templars and stop these slaughters; Cullen knew it was the only way to end this.

As the sun began to lower, it was only more apparent that they needed to stop, yet the Herald made no attempt to do so. What was most frustrating however was that they had passed several stops now which would have been most suitable to camp, yet the Herald continued her path. It would be foolish to ride up until nightfall, surely she would know that? Still though, she continued to sway methodically with the movements of her steed, unaware of the falling sun. She was tall for an elf, Cullen observed. And slender too. Her yellow locks had now fallen loosely out of her band that she had used at the beginning of the day, which now caressed her back. No matter how much he disliked the woman, he could not ignore her beauty. Her tanned skin was freckled slightly, especially across her nose and cheeks. And the way her hips swayed back and forth with the horse. He felt his cheeks redden as the realisation of him ogling the Herald came to mind.

“Herald,” he tried to call, but coughed slightly. She did not hear and continued riding. “Herald!” he called again, louder this time.

“Yes?”

“We need to make camp before nightfall.”

“Not yet,” she replied and pushed her feet against her mount to speed up slightly. Cullen met the pace, if unwillingly, and continued to follow. The sun was close to setting when she finally paused. Aria did not speak, but stopped her horse, dismounted and began leading it off of the road and into the forest to their left.

“Where are we-” he began, but she just continued her path, oblivious to whether they had followed or not. With no other choice, he dismounted alongside the others and followed her. As they entered the thicker forest, she paused often, turning back and forth. He asked her on more than once occasion where they were going, and mentioned how they had passed several clearings more than suitable but she each time she shushed him, holding a hand up. Cullen felt his tone harshen each time but the Herald merely ignored him, making his temper rise further. Eventually, they reached a cliff face covered in hanging ivy. If this was where she was looking for, it would not work at all. There was little space for a suitable fire, never mind the place to erect tents. She did not pause, however, and stretched a hand forwards to push aside the hanging ivy, disappearing behind it.

+++

Aria breathed a sigh of relief when she entered. How many years had it been since she stayed in this grove? Its beauty was unparalleled. At the northern point was a pool which filled from the water trickling down the cliff face. A clear stream flowed down the centre, splitting the grove in two. Bella trotted happily across the water to the far side to graze on the grass with Blue on her tail.

“You knew this was here?” Cullen asked, his eyes glancing across the grove.

“I found it when not long after I came to Fereldon,” Aria admitted, “it was so tranquil, so sequestered, I couldn’t help but stay here for weeks.” Her voice trailed off slightly as she spoke. Suddenly, she blinked, turning her head back towards him. Cullen did not say anything, but watched her carefully. “I’ll prepare the tents,” she said quickly, turning her head away from him.

“I’m on it,” Bull said, pulling the first tent from the horses. “You might as well use me,” he laughed as he easily lifted the bag over his shoulder, carrying it back across the stream. Instead, her and Varric gathered the supplies for a fire. Aria collected the surplus wood whilst Varric tried to light it.

After several- rather failed- attempts to make sparks, he looked up to Aria. “Can you give me a hand?” he asked, gesturing towards her hands. She looked at them blankly, turning them back and forth.

“I don’t have any flint?” she said eventually, confused by his remark.

“I know you-” he began, sighing. “But you can make flames, yeah? Help a dwarf out here.”

“R-right,” she replied, her hands now trembling. It was a simple enough request. She could after all, conjure the flames easy enough, she had done it before. Her mentor at the circle had shown her this, even if she was a reluctant student.  _It is necessity for your survival in the times to come_ , Birron would always say. Perhaps, somehow, he knew what was going to happen. He always insisted on teaching her how to defend herself, yet all Aria was interested in was how to heal. If she _must_ learn the ways of a mage, let it be for the better she would always tell him. She tried to form the words in her mind, but only images of _him_  appeared. Then the pain, the screaming, the blood ran through her mind and she fell back slightly.

“Princess?” Varric frowned. Aria waved a hand in front of her, shaking her head.

“I’m fine, sorry, I’m fine, I’m fine” she mumbled, pushing herself back onto her haunches. Taking a deep breath, Aria tried to form the words again. But only the nightmares came. But they weren’t nightmares, she was awake. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to push it out of her skull. When she opened them once more, the Commander had sat beside Varric. He said nothing, but pulled the flint from the dwarf and attempted to make the required sparks and, on his third attempt, the smaller twigs caught aflame. He lifted his head up, giving Aria a quick look before tending back to the fire. It was not a look of disdain, or frustration like she was used to. It was pity. Shaking her hands, Aria muttered to the party about checking the rest of the area and swiftly left the clearing. She thanked the Maker when nobody followed her, and took a walk through the Hinterlands.

It was rather pleasant being back here, she thought as she walked through the forest. Growing up, she did always try to enjoy the fineries her family’s status brought. But, in truth, she was never interested in the parties or luxuries it brought. A life of a noble was not for her. It never was. Maybe one day, she would be able to live a normal life. Aria sniggered slightly at the thought. Normal? When had anything in her life been normal? Naturally she attracts the eccentric, normality for Aria as rare as an entity as the Maker himself wandering Thedas.

“Herald?” a voice behind her made her jump, pulling her from her thoughts of her old life. She turned to find Cullen, now only donning his shirt and under trousers.

“Have I been gone a while?” she thought out loud, oblivious to how long she had stood looking into the forest.

“No, it’s just... I wanted to…” Cullen stammered, rubbing a hand against the back of his neck with his eyes pressing into the floor. Eventually, he straightened his back, lifting his gaze once more. “You’re a mage,” he said, stating the obvious.

“So good of you to notice,” Aria said with an acerbic tone. She could not ascertain where he was going with this, or why he had come to find her at all. “You’re getting quite good at that,  _Commander_ _,_ who knows what you will notice next. That I’m an elf? Or that I’m a woman.” She watched as the Commander’s jaw squared, she knew just how to rile him up, even when she didn’t mean to. It just seemed to come as second nature to her now. His voice, everything he said seemed to irritate her and bring out the irrational, stubborn side of her.

“But you will not use magic?” Aria stiffened. She was astounded nobody had questioned her properly with this before. Josephine had offered her a new staff when she arrived but, when Aria forcefully declined, it was not mentioned again.

“You are not the only one in this world to fear magic, Cullen,” she confessed, her voice sounding distant as she stare was vacant. Aria’s fingers found the tip of her ear which she stroked fondly for a moment. Glancing up, she realised Cullen’s golden eyes were fixed on her. He was frozen on the spot, waiting for her to continue. Realising the feel of his gaze, she quickly inhaled, straightening herself up with her hands by her side. “I do not use magic because I do not need to,” she recited, as she had done a thousand times before, “I am more than proficient with my blades; it would be injudicious of me to do otherwise. Now, let us return to camp before Bull eats the entire journey’s rations.” As Aria walked past the commander, she felt a hand squeeze her arm. Gentler than last night, but still enough to stop her in her tracks.

“Do not hide your fear of it, Herald. It will only eat away inside of you until only hatred remains,” he said calmly, not breaking his eyes into hers. Aria’s mouth opened at Cullen’s outburst.

“If only it was that simple,” she whispered, pulling herself free and making her way to the camp.

She did not speak to the Commander again that evening, and excused herself early into her tent to rest, even if she knew there would be little sleep gained tonight, or throughout any part of this journey for that matter.

+++

 Cullen sat still in front of the fire, watching the flames dance around each other. He always did enjoy watching the flames, even as a child. He couldn’t understand their movements, before disappearing into thin air.  _Fascinating._  The others had made for their rest, whilst he insisted on taking watch for the moment. It was a welcome sensation, being alone, huddled by the fire. To sleep, with so many others around him, made him anxious. He could not reveal to anyone his night terrors, to admit his struggles. The only absolution would be to not sleep. Ever.

Cullen shook his head at the ridiculousness of his plan. Eventually, he would need to sleep, no matter how much he tried to fight against it.

In a dire attempt to rid his mind of the pains lyrium withdrawal had given him, Cullen turned his thoughts to the Herald once more, he could not help but reminisce what she had said. Something terrible has happened to her. Something to do with magic but Cullen couldn’t gauge what. As he sat by the fire, he couldn’t help but create ideas in his mind. She had mentioned her father’s death, was he a mage also? Perhaps he had been possessed by a demon, or attempted terrible magic on her. The thoughts made him shudder, as his mind glanced back to the circle.  _No_ , he thought to himself,  _not now._  His body began to shake and his face began to sweat slightly.  _No_! He thought again, forcing the images from his mind.

Cullen stood up, pacing around the fire. With each step, there was more force in his movements. His hands rested behind his head as he did, rubbing that permanent knot on the back of his neck. Eventually his mind began to calm, and he thanked Andraste he was not engulfed once more.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” a soft voice came from behind causing him to jump and turn with haste. Aria stood, just by the opening of her tent, wrapped in her blanket. Her pale tresses hung slightly tangled by her face, framing it almost. Where there were normally pools of bright green, Cullen was met a juxtaposed darkness in her eyes. Similar to how he would look after a night of no sleep. Strange, as she had made for rest hours ago, much earlier than any of the others. “I’m sorry, I’ll go,” she turned to make her way back in to her tent, only pausing at Cullen’s protest.

“Wait,” he found himself saying. “Don’t leave on my behalf.” The Herald paused, eyeing the Commander up and down with suspicion. Finally she nodded at him, making her way over to the fire to sit near where he stood. Cullen paused for a moment, before realising this could be a chance to begin what Leliana had asked. But how would he even begin? He sat down beside her, leaning against his arm and spreading his legs out in front of him. His eyes flickered to the right when Aria moved, and he watched as she lifted a bottle from underneath her blanket and pressed it to her lips. Instantly, the burning smell of whisky fill the air.

“Do you ever go a night without drinking?” Cullen snapped. It was barely 24 hours since he had scolded her on the street for inebriation and she was already drinking again.

“Tried it once, wasn’t a fan,” Aria said. When she had taken her drink, she gestured towards him but he waved a hand in decline. “I suppose a Templar wouldn’t risk his inhibitions weakened when around a dirty mage,” she said dryly. Cullen felt his body stiffen at the comment. How she loved to poke at him, like an animal in cage, trying to rile him up. He detested her for it.

“I am not a-”

“And I am not a mage,” Aria interrupted. “No matter how much we tell ourselves, the contrary will forever be truth,” he opened his mouth slightly ajar for a moment, trying to form the words, but none came. She was right, and his body sank at the thought. He will always be a Templar, and he will always have his leash.  He felt his forehead begin to sweat once more and his fingers shake. Maker, he wanted it. No, he  _needed_ it. Rubbing a hand over his face, he changed the conversation, any attempt to rid his mind of these thoughts.

“Is there a reason you are here, or is it only to infuriate me?” Cullen snapped, struggling to hide his disdain. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t argue with Aria on this trip. Josephine had said this could be there chance to find a common ground and, although Cullen scoffed at the idea, he was still going to try to do so.

“It _had_ been a few hours, Commander, I thought you might have missed me,” Aria teased, taking another swig. He watched as she swayed from side to side slightly, clearly she had already drunk much of the bottle before leaving her tent. Cullen sighed, shaking his head as he tried to think of something- anything- else to talk about.

“Josephine mentioned some reports she gave you?” Cullen said grumpily, his voice stuttered as he spoke and he coughed from a lump in his throat. Aria nodded, getting up and heading back into her tent. After a few moments, Cullen began to think she had left him and returned to her slumber- or her drinking more likely- but eventually she returned with several scrolls pressed into her body. As she walked, the blanket shifted revealing her bare shoulder. Andraste, was she naked? Cullen felt his face rush with blood and his eyes glanced around not knowing where to look. She returned to her spot next to him, casually lifting the blanket to cover herself once more.

“Reports from Redcliffe,” Aria muttered as she scanned through. Her fingers caressed the paper softly as she read in silence. “Oh,” she said all of a sudden, as her eyes now froze on one point of the parchment. She said nothing, only handing him the paper. Cullen scanned through, freezing on the same point as she.

“Mages from Tevinter,” he grumbled, finding it hard to believe, “Why in the Fade would they be with the rebel mages?”

“Shit,” Aria whispered in response, suddenly lifting her head at the realisation of the profanity escape her lips. Cullen watched as she began shifting awkwardly in her space, back and forth suddenly very restless.

“I’ve never met a Tevinter Mage before, I could not comment what these ones would be like, although you do hear most worrying stories.”

“I have,” Aria said, barely a whisper. She jumped to her feet with such speed Cullen thought for a second they were under attack. When he realised the coast was clear, he stared at the Herald who seemed to be shuffling even more.

“It is late, we should rest for tomorrow,” she muttered inaudibly before hurrying back to her tent, leaving Cullen alone to contemplate what they had learned.

+++

Aria’s head pounded when she woke, not from the alcohol this time, but sheer exhaustion. She had barely slept and- when she did finally fall into a slumber- she awoke almost screaming from her dreams. Maker hope that the others did not hear her. When she came out of her solitude, it was barely light. The others were still asleep- surprisingly with Bull’s snoring loud enough to wake the Old Gods. Sitting by the few embers left of the fire, lay Cullen, he hadn’t returned to his tent at all. Aria paused for a moment, watching the Commander’s chest calmly drift up and down as he slept peacefully. A spike of jealousy crossed Aria as she watched him. How could he sleep so calmly while she barely slept at all? Feeling a sudden guilt for blaming the Commander for her own troubles, Aria turned back into her tent, pulled a blanket out and walked over to him. When she knelt down, he stirred just for a moment, rolling over so his face was now visible. Gently, she placed the blanket over him, which caused him to smile sweetly. Aria smiled back.

She had already packed away both hers and Cullen’s tent, and was tending to breakfast over the newly burning fire, when he woke, groggily wiping his eyes. His words still coursed through her mind, he knew how she felt about mages, about herself. His warning was too late, however, the hatred already burned inside her.

“The others?” he mumbled lethargically, letting out a deep yawn.

“Are just waking by the sounds of it,” Sure enough, as Aria said that, Varric popped his head out of his tent, letting out a big yawn as he did.

“I’m getting too old for this,” Varric grumbled as he came to sit by the fire with them. Aria laughed, serving the porridge into four bowls and passed one to Varric and Cullen. Bull joined them as well, taking another bowl. “Give me a fluffy bed with a mound of pillows and blankets any day.”

“Hey, you didn’t have to come. If I remember rightly, you practically begged Josephine to let you and the qunari come,” Aria jested, watching the dwarf rub his tired face.

“Don’t remind me,” Bull added, “When we get back, remind to tell Josephine the Inquisition needs some adult sized tents. Not these pathetic bags you could barely fit a child into.”

“I don’t quite understand you two,” Varric griped some more, nodding in appreciation to the breakfast. “I always considered you night owls, as you never seem to sleep. But here you are, the early birds catching the worm, or porridge. You can’t be both, that’s not how it works, so what are you?”

“I presume some sort of constantly exhausted pigeon,” Cullen mused after a moment. Aria, with a mouth full of porridge, burst into laughter, causing her to spit out her food.

“Did the Commander just make a quip?” she teased, still struggling to contain her giggles. When she looked at Cullen, she could see his face turning red and an awkward smile over his face.

“It has been known, on occasion,” he muttered, dubious of his own words.

 Once fed and packed, the four left the solitude of their camp and continued the journey with Aria in the lead once again. She soon fell into a trance from the methodical swaying of Bella. It was as if the horse knew exactly where they were going, Aria needed little control to her on track. This did, however, cause her mind to wander. The mages were with a Magister? Were they truly that desperate to call for aid from Tevinter? This was supposed to be an easy trip, Josephine had even suggested not actively asking for aid, but merely use it as an opportunity to meet with both party’s leaders so they could see the Inquisition is a potential ally, not a threat.

“Do you miss it?” Cullen said, suddenly catching Aria off guard.

“Pardon?”

“It has been a long time since you were last in Ostwick? Do you miss your home?”

“No,” she snapped, rather taken aback by the Commander’s bluntness. He had never even feigned interest in her, one of the few qualities of Cullen she liked. As the trees began to sparse, Cullen pulled his horse beside her. She could see the Commander watching her now, waiting for a better answer than already given. She couldn’t help but think of home now, however much she tried to stop it. Her thoughts went to Caleghan, as they always did. She smiled as she remembered playing hide and seek in the gardens with her brothers and two of the servant girls. They laughed until their sides hurt when Calegahn had got himself stuck inside a plant bed just so he could win. They laughed, until Mother found them. ‘You are above them, and would do well to remember it,’ Aria heard her Mother’s words in her head as clear as the day they were spoken.

“Just, no?” Cullen said, pulling her back from her thoughts.

“Yes, just no,” Aria felt her hands clasp the reigns tighter as her jaw gritted. He was still watching her, and when Aria glanced over, she could see he seemed as tense as she. He was not enjoying this conversation either it would seem. So why was he continuing to question her?

“Surely there must be-,”

“Commander,” Aria snapped, pulling Bella’s reigns to a stop, “I cannot ascertain whether you are merely blethering to fill the void or if you have precipitously gained-,” Aria stopped, her ears pressed into the air.

"What's the-," Cullen began, pausing when Aria lifted her hand into the air. When she continued riding, it was at a slower pace, cautious of what she had heard. It sounded like crying, begging almost, but she couldn't be sure. When they reached a clearing back onto the road, she knew her senses hadn’t deceived her. Quickly, Aria jumped off Bella, rushing over to the woman laying whimpering on the side of the road. Her armour was covered in blood, but she could still see the sigil emblazed on her chest plate. Templar. Carefully, Aria knelt down beside the woman, her hands resting onto her chest to try to gage the injuries. There were others across the road too, but Aria could see straight away they were beyond her help.

"Everything's alright," Aria said soothingly, "what's your name?" The woman lifted her slumped head up slowly, revealing scorches all across her cheek. Burn marks. She has been fighting a mage. The woman opened her mouth, whispering inaudible words Aria couldn't make out.

"Pardon?" she said, as she continued to search for the wound which was causing so much blood.

"...run," the only word Aria heard. But she understood the warning. In a flash, the elf had already turned with her blades unsheathed yet it was still too late. The trap had already begun. As Aria turned, she felt a piercing pain within her shoulder and, as she looked down, she found the cause of the pain. An arrow now protruded out of her. Falling to her knees, her hands began to shake. There was now shouting all around her as the trap she had foolishly walked into unfolded. Suddenly, Cullen was kneeling in front of her with his shield held up for protection.

"Varric, archers!" he shouted. There were calls behind but she couldn't make them out. Then there were flames, screaming and metal clashed with metal. With all her strength, Aria pulled herself up and charged towards the fight. There were more calls behind her - telling her to stop - although she ignored them. Perhaps she couldn't hear them or the adrenaline of the fight pulled her in and gave her the strength she needed. She ran toward the closest mage - it was impossible to tell how many there were - who was oblivious to her and was instead focusing on The Bull. In one swift motion, Aria sliced her blades into her stomach and the Mage’s eyes widened in horror. As her blades slid back out, Aria let out another cry if pain - the woman had sent one last fireball before she fell, straight into Aria’s chest. It caused her to stumble back, but luckily she kept her footing just enough to dodge an arrow which flew past her head.

Aria charged towards the next target, the archer who had tried to strike her. He was pulling another arrow from his quiver, preparing to strike once more, but this time Aria was too quick. In one swift motion, she lifted her foot high into the air and struck the archer in the chest. He screamed out, falling onto his back. Aria did not hesitate and jumped forwards to plunge a blade deep into his heart. She felt the ground rumble as Bull sped past her, swinging his great axe through two Mages in a single hit.

When she stood, she glanced around for her next target. Across the clearing lay a battlefield. As soon as it had begun it was over. Three Mages and four archers were blanketing the grass in a sticky residue of blood and viscera. They had left a dying Templar on the road as bait, but for what reason. Were they looking for someone in particular, or was it merely to rid the world of anyone who held sympathies for a Templar. Aria felt her hear sink as she looked back over to the wounded woman she found. Her head was now slumped down lower than before, and her chest no longer panted hysterically. Dead.

Aria felt her own body shake and it was if all of the strength was being drained from her. Her feet weighed tenfold when she tried to walk towards her companions gathering in the centre of the battlefield.

"Herald?" Cullen said concerned as she neared them. Aria tried to focus on him but her sight began to blur. Then he lunged forwards and Aria couldn't understand why. It was then she realised her quivering hands had dropped her swords. Next, her legs had given way and she fell into the Commander. When she saw the concerned look on Cullen’s face above her, she remembered about the remainder of the arrow- at some point, it had snapped away- protruding out of her, of the blood which spilled down her front. She could hear him calling her name and scolding her for closing her eyes. But all she wanted to do now was sleep as the last of her vigour was finally drained away, and she gave a weak smile as she allowed the darkness to take her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a bit of back and forth between POV in this chapter which I wasn't hugely happy with but I didn't want to take any away!


	6. Finding a common ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's suspicions grow as he continues the Spymaster's work.

Cullen once more analysed their supplies. It had been the third time this evening, yet he still found himself restless. It had been several hours since the attack, since the Herald had collapsed into his arms when she foolishly fell for the trap. He had done his best to help her, but the wounds were severe and he was no healer. Thankfully, she would make it to Haven with ease to receive proper treatment. He couldn’t help but feel guilty, as if he had caused this. Cullen had thought on several occasions that if the Herald was injured enough, then she would have to return to Haven and he could continue on his own. Not only did he have these thoughts, but he  _wanted_ this to happen. And there was still a part of him now which was glad! He couldn’t doubt the rest of the trip would be a damn sight easier. Still though, she could have died, he shouldn’t be so happy about it.

It was nightfall when she had finally begun to stir, yet it made Cullen panic. He hurried by her bed when she did so where she opened her eyes sluggishly. They were alone in the farmhouse, Bull had insisted on a thorough search of the area with Varric to ensure the attack would not happen again. His Ben-Hassrath training gave Bull a clear eye to analyse any situation. Aria’s eyes clumsily searched the room, a strange look of shock and anger smothering her. Eventually, she rested on Cullen.

“What happened?” she asked, trying to push up, as she did so causing her to call out in pain. The arrow had buried in deep, but luckily had not caused any serious damage.

“You almost got yourself, and the rest of us killed with your stumbling,” Cullen snapped, rather taken aback by his own honesty. She shared his shock as her eyes widened at him.

“Where are the others?” she said suddenly, glancing around the room.

“They are safe,” Cullen reassured, brushing a hand through his hair, “they are checking the area is secure." Aria shuffled more, forcing herself up to sit up with her legs dangling off the bed. She looked broken, Cullen thought. He had always seen strength in the Herald, yet now it seemed to be buried deep within her. Her shirt hung loosely on her frame. She held her head low, staring at her hands as if she held a new born baby. So delicate, so protected, yet fearful.

“Bull and Varric have agreed to take you back to Haven at first light and I will continue our venture alone,” Cullen said. He tried his hardest to keep his voice calm, yet it was no use. He could already feel the rage build in her.

“And where will you go?” Cullen did not reply, but he held her gaze. There was little point in denying his desire to travel straight to Therinfal, although to admit it outright deemed more difficult than he had anticipated.

“So you will leave the mages to the hands of Tevinter, I didn’t think you had it in you to be so callous,” she said, barely a whisper. Cullen shuffled awkwardly in his seat. He already knew the argument which was going to happen so there was no point in trying to prevent it. “There are children within the rebellion. Do you have no mercy even for them?”

“You saw what Mages attempted today, surely you can see the threat they cause?”

"Do you even know what they do to Apostates, Commander?" Aria suddenly exclaimed. Cullen had only once witnessed a true fit of conniptions with the Herald, but he believed he was about to be the victim on another.

"I  _was_  a Templar, Herald," he replied snidely. How dare she question him on such matters? How would she know about the duties of a Templar, she had barely lived within that world.

"And you think it is just?"

"If it deemed necessary to protect,"

"That day you found me, the day you sent me to Ostwick Circle, it was then I learnt," Aria’s voice stuttered, and Cullen could see she was fighting back tears.

“They threw me into a cell, they left me in the darkness. Nobody came back for days, and it was then I thought that would be the end. Eventually though, they returned. They took me from my cell and they tortured me, beat me for names I could not give, for answers I didn't know." her voice trailed off, and Cullen watched as she pushed her eyes shut for a moment. He felt stuck to the ground, unable to move, or say or do anything. It would not matter, no words from him would comfort her. He had done his duties, that is what mattered.

"This went on for weeks, let me finish!” Aria snapped when Cullen opened his mouth to speak. “The only thing I learnt to fear more than the darkness was being taken from it. It was relentless," tears now fell from her cheeks. Without thinking, he reached out to comfort her, to only pull his hand back just as quick.

He had never seen her so vulnerable. This was the Herald, possibly the strongest- if most stubborn- woman he had ever met. True, they disliked each other, but that did not mean he didn't respect her. Yet hear she was, revealing herself in such a fragile way.

"I tried to stop it, I tried to fight back, but was only threatened with tranquillity. And for what? Was this just, Commander? A Mage who had never used her ability, was being tortured just because of what she was. It was not until the others in the circle learnt I was there and demanded my release. The Knight Captain eventually agreed, and I was allowed to leave my cell under strict guard for a few hours a day. But the torture didn't stop, not really."

"I'm sorry," the words slipped from Cullen’s tongue, barely a whisper.

"No you're not," she spat. "You don't see me as anything else other than a threat, a potential abomination which needs to be locked away,"

"Do not twist my words," Cullen objected, although half-heartedly. It was his fault she was like this, he had opened gates to something he feared would not close. "I only want what is best for the inquisition,"

"You were right what you said yesterday," she said, ignoring his objection to her claim, "I do fear Mages. I fear what they capable of, I have more grounds than most to do so. But that fear has stemmed from the cruel actions of a single man. Yet my fear of Templars," she paused, looking at him directly. Her stare was sharper than his blade, "Since leaving my home, I am yet to meet one who sees me as anything else than the curse I have been branded with, I am yet to meet one who would treat me with a kindness all living things deserve."

 Aria walked over to the fire, with her right arm she leaned against the wall, staring intently. The flames seemed to fly towards her, as if they were being pulled into her very soul. Her entire body now shook, and Cullen could not tell if that were from anger or from her injuries. Her face now dripped with sweat and her skin seemed to have paled even more.

"I will not take sides in this war," she said finally. Cullen hadn't noticed, but he had walked towards the fire, standing close to her. He wanted to apologise, he understood why she had fought with him so much, and it was his fault. The realisation made his stomach sink as if it had been filled with rocks, he felt sick at the thought. "As I have done today, I will fight for those who need it most."

"Aria," he whispered, just enough for her to turn to face him. His hand reached out and squeezed her arm, her skin was warm to the touch, and soft. Much softer than he had expected.

“Know this. I will work alongside you, it is right for the Inquisition, to fix the wrongs in this world. As much as I try to deny it, you are an excellent commander to our forces" suddenly, she yanked her arm away. It had hurt her and she stifled a cry of pain, "But...but I will  _never_  forgive you for what you forced upon me. Truly, I abhor you for that," Cullen stepped back. He had known how she felt, but to hear it aloud.

"I... I'm," he started. Bull and Varric entered the building, oblivious to what had gone on.

"It's all good out there, Boss," Bull said; even when quiet, his voice boomed around the room. "I reckon we'll make good time getting you back to Haven first light."

"I'm not going back," she said, shakily walking back over to the bed. Aria sat down, the others watching her. Varric stepped forwards concerned and sat down beside her.

"I know you want to finish this, Princess, but," he paused when he realised what Aria was about to do. She lifted her hand and pressed it against her shoulder, closing her eyes. Cullen saw her fingers dig deep into her skin to stop the shaking. Then it began. Wisps of blue light emanated from her hand and wrapped around her shoulder, pushing unto her skin. Her eyes were scrunched shut and she looked terrified as streams of sapphire smoke trickled from her fingers. After a few moments, it stopped and she opened her eyes.

"We leave at first light."

 +++

The next morning, Aria was the first to rise. Truth be told, she hadn't slept much at all. Her shoulder still ached terribly, but she would not admit that to anyone. Thankfully she had had some training in healing, even if it was only the basics. Outside the house, she sat on the stone wall watching the first light spread across the horizon when the door opened.

"Morning," Varric said, sitting beside her. Aria nodded in response. "I figured I'd find you out here."

"Is there a problem?" she asked absent-minded. She hadn't really listened to what he had said; her mind was far too full for anything else.

"That depends," Aria turned to face her friend, he shook his head slightly before he spoke again, "on what reason you and Cullen decided to try and wake up the dead last night "

"Oh," she sighed, "you heard that, huh?"

"Princess, I’d be surprised if King Alastair himself didn't hear you in Denerim." Aria rubbed her face, trying to think of what to say. But the words were lost in her mind. She had shocked herself, last night. That outburst to Cullen, admitting how she truly felt. Even now, being on this trip with him made her skin crawl. She couldn't help it, she despised everything about him. And his ignorance and obstinacy was only feeding that revulsion further.

"I can't forgive him," she said finally. "He sent me to the circle, Varric. I wasn't even a mage. Well, I was obviously but I had never used magic. Not once,"

"Nobody is asking you to forgive him. Look at me and the seeker. I can't see us picking daisies for each other any time soon, but we know we need to work together to stop whatever fucked up things are going on in this world," Varric stated. Aria laughed at the image of the two of them making daisy chains at Haven together. "Look, you've been dealt a pretty awful hand at the minute, and honestly, it'll only get worse. But arguing like this with someone on your side- no matter how much you might hate him- is not going to help,"

“Andraste, why do you always have to be right?" Aria grumbled. She gave the dwarf a smile, which was kindly returned.

"It is just one of my many, many talents, Princess."

  
  
The day's ride was long and tiring, but much less eventful than yesterdays, thankfully. Bull tried to convince Aria to let him spin her round by the ankles in the next battle- the whirl of death he called it. Aria thought it sounded rather exciting until Varric pointed out all of the things which could go wrong, which was quite a long list. After that, Aria was not quite so keen. When they finally stopped for camp, they were less than a day’s ride from Redcliffe.

Aria tended to the fire whilst the others prepared the tents. Cullen had been mute for most of the day, and Aria had noticed how much he had kept his distance from her. Part of her thanked him for that although the other part couldn't help but become wracked with guilt. He  _had_  done her wrong, but that was many years ago. Varric was right, although she may not like it, she needs to fix this, somehow. Once the fire was roaring, and this evening’s cooking thanks to Varric, Aria took a deep breath and walked over to the commander. He was tending to the horses, and almost jumped out of his skin when Aria called him.

"Cullen?" she said, feeling rather alien saying his name rather than his title of Commander. She scorned herself for doing different.

"Herald," he replied taciturnly, not stopping from his onuses.

"I thought we may talk for a moment?" she tried to make her voice sound as pleasant as possible even though it was testing to hide her reluctance to have this conversation at all.

"I have my duties to attend to," his voice was cold. Aria could feel her anger rise, but she tried her hardest to push it down.

"Well just listen then. I wanted to... Ahh," Aria stuttered, losing her words. How could she apologise, it was he who had done wrong, not her. Yes, she had been rather cruel to him, but she only spoke the truth. Still, this trip needed to work, and they needed to be seen legitimately working together, not tearing each other’s throats out. "Last night... the things I said. That was unworthy of me, I am sorry,"

"Are you?" he snapped, finally turning to meet her. He looked tired, black circles surrounded his drooped eyes and his face looked gaunt. "Or to paraphrase, I am just a Templar to you, nothing else," his voice stayed low, but Aria couldn't return the volume.

"I am trying to apologise!" she shouted, her hands clenching in to fists.

"You spoke your truths last night, do not come to me with falsities today,"

"You are a tenacious fool, you know that?"

"Pot calling the kettle black now?" he sniped. Aria stiffened. She had had many an argument with the Commander before yet he had never had he spoken like this. She had hurt him more than she thought last night. Perhaps it was too late to try and make amends between them.

"Just forget it," she snapped, walking back over to the fire. She heard him say something else but was too angry to stop and listen. Cullen followed shortly after, choosing the spot furthest away from Aria. Bull-sitting in between the two- awkwardly glanced from side to side.

"Hey, I wonder when we are next gonna find a rift," he said, trying to fill the void. "Need to kick some demon ass, huh Boss?"

"I know whose ass I would like to kick," she muttered under her breath. Her chest heaved still from yet another argument. He was a stubborn, ignorant mug, and Aria wanted as little to do with him as possible. She had tried Varric's way, and it hadn't worked. Now she needed to try her own, which was denying his existence entirely.

"Huh?" Bull said, snapping her back to reality.

"I think I'm still up on the count, yeah?" she corrected.

"You're too sneaky, going in for the kills which should be mine," Bull grumbled, letting out a growl deep within his throat.

"I love it when you growl at me," Aria winked, teasing the qunari. She was fascinated with him as soon as they had met. Not long after he and his Chargers arrived, he had grown into one of his closest friends in the inquisition. And a bloody good drinking partner. "That ten gold, you still got it?" Bull nodded, raising a brow at her.

"Double or nothing at the next rift I kill more demons than you,"

"I'd send word back to Josephine if I were you. You’re going to get the Inquisition into debt at this rate," Bull teased, pushing her gently in the shoulder.

"Hey, I'll get in on that. A dwarf never misses a chance to make some easy coin," Varric japed.

"You are both much too confident. You must prepare yourselves for  _my_  inevitable victory." Aria provoked as she lifted their supper for the evening from the fire. It was a stew Varric had been tending to whilst she was making a failed attempt to build bridges with the commander. Serving out the four bowls, they each took one hungrily.

Aria let out a sound of disgust to match Cassandra herself as she dipped her spoon into the bowl. Her upper lip lifted and her face scrunched as she began to pick the grotesque, mushy chunks of cauliflower and dropping it into a soggy pile on the floor by her feet. She glanced at Cullen, who for a moment had a slight smirk across her face. She couldn't help but flick the next piece of cauliflower, which bounce of the Commander’s boot. He glared at her for a moment before giving another sly smile, then returning to his meal.

"Stop wasting your damn food, some of us are still growing," Bull moaned. For a moment, Aria thought he was going to scoop the disgusting veg off of the floor into his already empty bowl.

"If you grow anymore, people will mistake you for a bloody dragon. Besides, I'm not wasting anything,  _that_  is not food" she said in repugnance. Aria assessed the rest of her meal to ensure it was now safe for consumption.

“Josephine organised our supplies,” Cullen interjected. She was surprised how light his tone was. Especially considering their argument earlier. Aria could not understand the Templar, his mood constantly shifted, it was infuriating.

“Then we must come to the conclusion our ambassador is a part of the blight. Only a darkspawn would suggest something so vile.”

"I forgot how damned fussy you were, Princess," Varric laughed, shaking his head as he gulped his food down.

"Me, fussy? You have met Cal, haven't you?"

"I have, and  _you're_  worse," he mocked once more. The two laughed for a moment until another voice caused Aria to realise what she had said.

"You two did already know each other, then?" Cullen contemplated across the fire. It wasn't so much of a question, but a declaration of fact. Cassandra had already accused Varric of knowing more than he had let on, it would seem her curiosities were not just her own.

"Not directly," Varric interpolated thankfully. Aria had frozen to the spot when Cullen asked. No doubt, whatever the said, he wouldn't believe her. At least Varric could be more credible. "We are both from the Free Marches, Curly, and it seems a few of my acquaintances are also our Herald's," No wonder his books were so popular. Varric was a born story teller, even Aria was beginning to believe him. "We found out over a game of wicked grace," Aria nodded dumbly as her friend spoke, hoping it would not be questioned further.

"You better not be playing without me now Boss," Bull said, slurping down a second bowl of stew.

"Relax, Tiny, you hadn’t joined us then. Besides, how could we not invite you? You always bet so high, and win so  _little_ ,"

“You are joking? He bled me dry the other night!” Aria snorted with laughter.

“Well you weren’t exactly in any fit state to be betting, Princess,” Eventually composing herself, she gathered up the bowls to wash in the river nearby. When she picked up Cullen's, who had already left the fire to tend to something most likely meaningless, Aria paused. A grin spread across her face as she looked at the bottom. There lay the remnants of his tea. He had not touched a single piece of the cauliflower.

 

That evening, Aria read through more of the reports from Josephine. It was a laborious task, as many of them were of things she already knew. It was better to be prepared though, she reminded herself. When the others had gone to rest, Aria still sat by the fire, reading through again.

 

_The King had offered them sanctuary in Redcliffe, and when Grand Enchanter Fiona was in charge there were no qualms._

_Since the Mages from Tevinter arrived ten days ago, everything has changed. The Mages have become volatile, with fights between them and the townsfolk ensuing._

_The Arl had ordered their leave, but this new leader ignored him and took over the Chantry. The Arl has now left for Denerim to discuss matters with King Alistair, leaving me to guard the townsfolk, or what is left of them at least. Many have fled, and I believe they are heading your way._

_I am not sure what is to come, Lady Montilyet, but if your Inquisition does want an alliance with these people, I fear you are too late._

_I hope the Grand Enchanter listens to you, as she has not listened to us._

_Matthews_

“Find anything?” Cullen said, making Aria spill the drink in her hand all over her legs.

“Fuck,” she grumbled as she jumped up, trying to save the scrolls from being soaked as well. Sitting back down, Aria saw as Cullen raised a disapproving eye, glancing at her and the now empty cup.

“Don’t look at me like that,” She snapped, “not that it is any of your concern but that was water,”

“I’m surprised you even know what that is,” Cullen said, sitting down beside her.

“Oh I am  _really_  not in the mood to argue with you tonight, Commander, leave me be,”

“I’m not here to argue with you, Aria,” Cullen said softly, it sounded strange to hear him use her actual name. Aria looked over to see Cullen was watching her. His usual frown he would give her was replaced with a softer expression.

“Then why are you here?”

“You came to me earlier, to apologise and I acted like a child. That was unworthy of me. I wanted to apologise also, and hope that we can start anew?” Aria’s mouth fell agape at the Commander. She waited for him to start laughing, to come out that it was all just some sick joke. But nothing came, he actually did want to make amends with her!

“I… don’t know what to say,” she admitted, brushing a lock behind her ear. “What caused the sudden change of heart?”

“I was angry, more at myself than at you. The things you shared with me last night… I didn’t want to believe it,” Cullen turned his body to face her absolutely.

“I am truly sorry for what happened to you there,” he placed a hand over her own on the soft ground. It was a warm, gentle touch and Aria could feel his calloused fingers against her skin.

“I was angry too,” she admitted. “When I was there- in the circle I mean- I had always imagined what I would do if I ever met you again. I probably don’t need to tell you that most imaginations ended in your death.”

“Should I be worried?” Cullen frowned, unbeknownst of what she was trying to explain.

“Perhaps,” she jested and she felt Cullen’s hand tighten around her own. Their eyes locked for a moment, and when Cullen smiled, Aria watched the scar on his lip stretch up.

Suddenly, he blinked rapidly, breaking their gaze and pulling his hand away. He muttered courtesies under his breath and made his way to leave. Aria was too fast, however and jumped up to stop him.

“Wait,” she said, reaching out to grab his arm. Slowly, he turned, his brow furrowing as he eyed her once more.

“What I am trying to say is… I wanted to hate you, when I met you again at the Temple, but the truth of the matter is; I didn’t. I don’t.”

 


	7. Redcliffe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally reaching Redcliffe, it doesn't work out quite as Aria expected. Cullen is beginning to battle with some conflicting emotions.

"Damn, that's a lot of demons," Bull said lowly. As much as he loved to hit things - and he really loved to hit things - demons still made him anxious. Aria was baffled that the qunari warrior who towered over her just gulped.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you. All it'll cost you is ten gold," Aria goaded, smirking as she waited for his response. Bull turned to look at her with a frown across his face.

"Pah, you've not got a chance, just look at those puny arms, is there even any point you having them?" Aria looked each arm before giving the qunari a swift punch on the shoulder. He did an exaggerated yawn, brushing the spot where she had hit as if a fly had annoyingly landed there for a moment.

"Are you two ever serious?" Cullen moaned, shaking his head. The four were crouched over the brow of the hill. At the bottom sat the gates for Redcliffe. They had made it, mostly unscathed, but now a rift stood between them. Aria had dealt with many since bearing the mark; it was a natural event now, although this one was big; much bigger than she had seen before. Aria could already make out three terrors, several wraiths and at least six shades. The gates were locked but Aria could see guards watching the rift.

"Tried it once," Aria said, glancing over to the Commander, "didn’t like it."

"Well we better make a decision soon, I'm not sure that gate can hold on forever," Varric interrupted. Bianca was already primed and ready, aimed down at the rift.

"You’re right,” Aria said, watching a terror smash furiously against the metal barrier. “Varric, you cover us. You've got a good height up here, be our eyes. I'll take the lead. Bull and Cullen will follow, make sure we don't get flanked."

"Take out the wraiths first Varric, those bastards drive me mad," Bull added. With that, the three made their way down with Varric on guard. The hedgerows on the road side meant they stayed uncovered and could get much closer. Aria raised a hand up towards Varric, waiting for the right moment before quickly dropping it down. Instantly, a wave of arrows quickly flew from the hill top, crashing into the nearby wraiths. Aria made the most of the distraction, charging into the nearest shade. Both blades plunged deep into its chest, blood pouring onto her hands. To her left, Bull was slamming his great axe down into the chest of a terror. Its scream was deafening, causing Aria to stop in her tracks. Her head pulsed with pain and her eyes scrunched shut for a moment to try and block it out. Suddenly, the air was knocked out of her as she was flown on to her back. Another shade had crashed into Aria and now loomed over her. It lifted both hands high up in the air to strike. Aria rolled to the left just in time as the demon came crashing onto the ground, jumped back up on to her feet and swung one blade with such force it was decapitated in one hit. Thick black ichor sprayed across her face and down her chest. Arrows continued to fly past, thank the Maker for Varric's accuracy and precision. She wouldn't trust anyone else to do this.

Over the sounds of the battle, Aria heard metal crash loudly and scanned the area. The gates were opening! A group of soldiers came rushing out to meet them, hacking down demons with every step. Even with the extra men though, they were still out numbered. Aria took the distraction of the new soldiers to use her mark. She flung her hand high into the air and made the connection. Green light spread from her hand, creating a magical bond between them. Every vain in her body felt like they were on fire and It took all her might not to cry out as the burning intensified. Then, a huge crash sent Aria on to her back. A meaty hand pulled her up instantly, and Bull now stood with his back to her. The rift was still too strong to close, but at least she had disrupted it. No more demons came through and those in this world were struck with a force from the rift itself that stunned them. Using it to her advantage, Aria lunged forwards, slashing a terror across the abdomen. It screamed out, pushing her back with a force of energy before curling into a ball, clutching itself. Aria leaped forwards again, jumping up into the air and striking both blades into its now horizontal back. It did not call out this time, but slumped down into a broken heap. An unexpected shout to her left caught Aria's attention. Cullen lay on his back, dazed, with the third terror over him. It lifted a clawed hand high to strike him and Aria's heart raced as panic over took.

"Cullen!" she screamed, rushing towards him. Just in time, she slipped herself between the demon and Commander, lifting her blades high to defend. That was when she felt it. The power coursed through her, desperate to escape. It congregated at her hands, building up more and more until it exploded from her. Aria didn't know how she had done it-she brought no words to her mind- but the demon now lay on its back over ten feet away. Two of the soldiers took care of it, bringing their sword and axe down to the demon’s chest. Aria knelt down, inspecting Cullen. Blood seeped from the back of his head from where he had fallen. He was conscious though, although very groggy. Without thinking, she pulled his head into her hands, forcing the healing aura on to him. He tried to pull away, but her grip was too strong.

"Can you stand?" she asked softly once she was finished, he nodded, lifting a hand to rub the back of his head. "It will still hurt, but the bleeding has stopped," she assured him when they were standing.

"Th...thank you," he said meekly.

"Uh, Boss?" Bull said from behind. He was surrounded in blood and viscera, with plenty of it covering him as well. He pointed a finger into the air to the rift, which still sat open, although the surrounding area was now finally devoid of demons. The energy around it buzzed loudly, forcing ropes of light around its aura. Aria did not hesitate, lifting her arm up once more to make the connection. This time, it closed in an explosion, pushing her back with such force again. She did not land on the ground this time, however. Two hands held her waist, pushing her back to her feet. She felt the warm grip tight around her linger for just a moment longer than they needed to be.

"Are you alright?" Cullen asked, walking to stand beside her. She felt her cheeks turn pink as he looked at her and he gave her a fetching smile.

"Y, yes," she stuttered, altering her gaze away from him.

"Herald!" a soldier ran towards her. He bowed when he was just a few feet away and removed his helm. He was younger than Aria had anticipated. His fiery curls stuck to his forehead and sprays of blood smudged his chiselled jaw. "We are pleased you turned up when you did, my name is Lieutenant Matthews," he began, gesturing them to follow. He barked orders to the other men before leading them through the gates.

“Matthews? You sent the report to Lady Montilyet?”

“Yes, your ambassador and I are old friends, when I heard she was attempting contact I saw fit to share with her all I knew. You have probably already heard but Redcliffe has not had much luck as of late, and when this rift appeared we feared for the King's life." Aria felt a lump in her throat. The King was here, then what had happened to the Mages?

"King Alistair is in Redcliffe?" she asked.

"Yes," he confirmed, leading them further in to the town. Aria glanced around as they walked. The streets felt empty, apart from the King's troops and a few townsfolk. But no Mages, Aria feared the worst. He stopped at the steps up to Redcliffe Chantry. "I am sure the Arl and the King will want to talk with you, Herald. You will find them in the Chantry when you are ready. But I must check, for what reason have you come to Redcliffe?"

"I have come to discuss a possible alliance between the Inquisition and the Mages."

"Then I fear you are too late, when the King and his men arrived yesterday with the Arl, they fled," Matthews said, confirming Aria’s suspicions. "But I must report to the Arl," he bowed once more, "I thank you again for your help with the rift, you have saved the people of this town, what's left of them at least." Matthews turned on his heel and, even though in full armour, sprinted up the steps with ease.

"What next then?" Varric asked. Aria pondered over the question for a moment. She was frustrated, more with herself than anyone else, that they had arrived too late. Her foolish actions which caused their initial delay could have been the difference. She felt her shoulders slump at the thought.

"If the Mages have gone, we need to know when, and where to. Cullen and I will meet with the King and Arl. You two talk to the townsfolk- if you can find any- and find out what has happened," Aria ordered, the men did not argue with her and Bull and Varric turned and made their way towards the tavern. Cullen nodded at Aria and they followed Matthews' steps up to the Chantry.

The room was full- here at least some of the townsfolk they had expected to see through the streets- and there was a buzz from the crowd ahead. Most had congregated towards the front, all cramming to see something. Aria could hear one voice louder than the chatter which emanated.

"You will answer for these crimes," the voice called, carrying through the crowd. Aria rushed forwards, pushing herself through the many bodies. In the centre stood a man in chains with two guards.

"And what crime would that be? My devilish charms? Unmatchable handsomeness?" The prisoner provoked. Standing in front of him was Arl Aemon and King Alistair himself.

"You were offered refuge in Redcliffe, yet your people abused that until innocent townsfolk were forced to flee their homes," the king continued.

"I was not a part of those snivelling Mages, nor do I intend to be!" the prisoner shouted. He was from Tevinter, Aria noticed. The olive skin and ebony hair implied so. Perhaps this was the Tevinter Mage Jospehine warned her about. Aria was fascinated in the man's moustache. Even imprisoned, it was perfectly styled with a flick upwards at each end.

"He's with the rebel Mages? Why is he still here?" Cullen whispered from behind. Aria suddenly became very aware how close the commander was to her, his chest pushed into her back from the crowd. She could feel his hand resting on her shoulder, making her shiver.

"Take him away, he will face the charges in Denerim," King Alistair lifted a hand, waving his guards to take the prisoner away.

"Wait!" Aria shouted, silencing the crowd. She had stepped forwards to stand by the prisoner, facing the king and the Arl. Amongst the growing whispers of the crowd Cullen’s voice met her.

"Your Grace," Aria began, remembering her court training, "I implore you to reconsider the imprisonment of this man."

"And who are you?" he demanded, looking at her quizzically. The Arl leaned forwards, whispering into his ear. He nodded for a moment, his gaze fixed on Aria.

"I am here on behalf of the Inquisition. My name is Aria, but the people call me," she paused, sighing. "They call me the Herald of Andraste," to her left, she saw Matthews push through the crowd, now standing opposite her.

"She speaks the truth Your Grace, it was her who closed the breach which threatened Redcliffe,” Matthews glanced over to Aria, nodded and gave a slight smile.

"Then I must thank you, we have suffered great losses because of it," King Alistair paused and bowed towards Aria, leaving her dumb struck. The king of Fereldon bowed to  _her_? “It is most welcoming to see someone fight for the good of the people. But this makes me question your motive regarding the accused?”

"We came here for talks with the Mages to gain support in our efforts to close the Breach, but it seems we were too late. This gentleman could be of great use to the Inquisition, however," Aria continued, keeping her voice calm and composed.

"We too have questions for him, I am sorry but I simply cannot allow it," King Alistair stated, turning to leave the crowd. Aria did not give him that chance.

"We may not be facing a blight, Your Grace," she called a little louder, stopping him back in his tracks. Aria could see the once Grey Warden stiffen slightly at the words. "But we do not know what caused the Breach. There are no Grey Wardens to fight this battle, but there is the Inquisition and I am sure you would want to help stop whatever power caused this. The criminal may have the answers we need to do so,"

"I am not a-" the man in chains began, Aria subtly stopped him in his tracks with a forceful stamp on his toes.

"This man could be dangerous, how can I allow him to walk free?"

"You want to protect your people, it is a fine trait many respect you for, Your Grace, and I understand your concern. That is why you will not be setting him free, but handing him over for conscription into the Inquisition. To put yourself, and your people, at ease, I will hold myself personally responsible for his actions," King Alistair did not speak, but watched her intently as the Arl whispered to him again. Eventually, he stepped forwards until he was only a few feet from the Herald.

"You have a strong argument, Very well," he said, and Aria exhaled deeply. She hadn’t realised she had held her breath until he started walking towards her.

"Truly, I hope you succeed," he added, much lower so only she could hear.

"As do I," Aria whispered, bowing low. King Alistair returned the bow, then turned and left the crowd.

“This is a bad idea, Boss” Bull growled, exchanging wary glances towards Dorian. Aria feared they were about to start fighting in the middle of Redcliffe when she left the Chantry, Cullen had to take the Qunari away to settle down. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Me too,” Aria replied. Her legs ached as they continued to ride back into the Hinterlands. The Arl had offered them accommodation within Redcliffe but Aria declined. They were too late for the Mages, she did not want a repeat when arriving in Therinfal. Besides, the people of Redcliffe did not seem all too pleased she was walking away with one of the men they had grown to fear.

“I must say Commander, you do look rather dashing wearing such a fine mantle,” Dorian chimed behind her. She didn’t need to turn to know Cullen’s face would have turned a miraculous shade of red, she could almost feel the heat emanating from him. “But I am most intrigued what you will look like without it, of course,” Aria burst out laughing this time, holding her stomach from the pain. She did not yet know if Dorian did have the information they needed, but she was going to enjoy him being around anyways. Suddenly, the laughter stopped as the sound of a horse approaching loudened. Aria turned Bella with her sword clenched to see a single rider approaching them. As they neared, Aria recognised them, it was Matthews.

“Herald!” he called, pulling the reigns to slow his mount. “I feared I was too late.”  
“Is there a problem, Lieutenant?” Aria asked, concerned.

“The King has thought very carefully over your words in the Chantry. It seems you have made quite the impact on him. He has asked that a party of us travel to Haven to aid the inquisition how you see fit.” Aria leaned over to look behind Matthews. She lifted a brow as she scanned to see no others with him.

“A party of one?” she asked.

“I have ordered my men to meet me in Haven when I return. I felt that I may be better suited by your side, Herald,” Matthews smiled as he spoke. Aria thought for a moment he looked embarrassed at his own words.

“Well, in that case, welcome aboard,” she beamed at her new companion.

It was near sunset when they had stopped to make camp. Bull had erected the tents- he insisted once more- and Cullen was preparing food for this evening. Varric had gathered enough wood to last the night and was now talking to Dorian and Matthews by the fire. The day's events still played through her mind. At least it wasn't a complete waste. They had gained a Mage- one who is much more trained in the skill - and a warrior who had proven himself greatly on the battlefield. Matthews had brought surplus supplies as well, which was greatly needed with two additional mouths to feed. Exhausted, Aria felt necessary to sit down and join them relaxing by the fire.

“Ahh, and here she is!” Dorian beamed at her, patting her on the shoulder as she sat down. “I must thank you for helping me out of that spot of bother. I assume you have questions for me of course?”

“Many,” Aria said, stifling a yawn.

“Well shall I start? My name is Dorian of house Pavus, formally of Tevinter until the call of pariahood beckoned me,” he spoke with such enthusiasm, Aria couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

“That’s… very interesting,” she said, “but I am more curious of the mages which should have been at Redliffe. You said you weren’t with them, then why were you there?”

“Ahh, poor fools that they are,” Dorian sighed. “My old mentor, a magister by the name of Alexius contacted me. He wanted me to join with him, spoke of making big changes within the world, and of this Venatori. Naturally, I declined. It all sounded a little too cultish and end-of-the-worldesque. Not really my cup of tea.”

“Venatori?” Aria asked. Cullen was still tending to the food but he now watched them carefully as well. “I’ve never heard of them.”

“Not surprising, they are rather recent. I know little about them, unfortunately. Only that they follow this ‘Elder One’ and that they are obsessed with you.”

“With me? Then why did they leave? We had sent word of our travels to meet with them.” Aria’s head began to pound. She wasn’t sure if it were from her exhaustion or an influx of information, either way she wanted it to stop.

“Alexius was furious when he heard you were coming. He kept talking of it being too soon, and it wasn’t ready. The next day, he fled, taking the mages with him.” Aria pinched her nose, rubbing it up and down. It just didn’t make sense. The magister, Venatori, Elder One. Nothing. It must be linked to the mark, of course. Everything in her life now stemmed from her ‘blessing.’

“So do I have some special words to say? A poem perhaps? Or just a declaration of my life?” Dorian jested. It was rather difficult to tell if the man was being serious. Aria was clueless to what he was talking about. She couldn’t quite make the words she needed, and was only able to tilt her head like a confused puppy. “My conscription? It was a part of your deal with the King, after all.”

“Oh, right. I’m not conscripting you to anything,” she muttered. Aria could feel all eyes on her now, each of the men in front of her locked on to her. Cullen looked furious, she could see his hand gripped tightly around a ladle. He opened his mouth to interject but Aria did not give him the chance. “It is not right for me to force you into something you do not wish. What I will do is  _ask_  that you join us. You have information which could help us, and I think you would be invaluable to our cause, but the decision is yours.”

“And if I choose not to and I wreak havoc across Fereldon?” Dorian quizzed, a smirk spreading from the corner of his mouth.

“Well, then I  _would_  have to kill you. But at least I still haven’t forced you into anything,” Aria teased.

“Then I guess it’s settled. You do look like the kind of person who is  _very_  good at killing things. So I suppose I will have to stay in your good books, at least for now.”

“Then welcome to the Inquisition, Dorian.”

That night, Aria felt a calmness she had not experienced for a long time. They shared stories, laughing and joking with each other as if they did not have a single care. It was good feeling, Aria thought. One that she would not forget again.

“Oh, Boss,” Bull said, still laughing from one of Varric’s tales. “I forgot to mention, some of us are going to have to bunk up now. Vint over here didn’t have a tent so we are one short,” he shot a dirty look towards Dorian. He did not seem to notice, however and almost jumped for joy as he spoke.

“Well, I’m sure Cullen won’t mind me squeezing in with him, is that right?”

“Oh… Well, um, actually,” Cullen stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Then it’s settled! Dorian interrupted, “no need to worry about me, Bull. I have more than adequate sleeping arrangements.” Aria giggled as she watched Cullen redden even more.

“Curly, what have you got yourself in to,” Varric sighed, “On that note, I’m hitting the hay. We’ve got a long way to go yet.”

“You’re right, besides there’s no point staying up if we aren’t gonna drink.” Bull added. The pair both made their way to their tents, waving the others to rest.

“I am excited to see what my first day in the inquisition will bring,” Matthews said eagerly. “But I will not be of much use if I do not rest also, good night, Herald,” he nodded to the others and walked over to his. The Lieutenant’s tent looked much more lavish than the others. Likely a gift from the King or at the very least the Arl. It had much fewer holes than Aria’s.

“I’ll take first watch tonight Commander, you need your rest,” Aria said as she watched Cullen contemplate what to do. He  _did_ look tired, even more than her. She wondered how much he was sleeping, if at all. He sat, hesitating, before finally accepting what Aria had said and made his way to his rest.

“You too,” Aria said to Dorian, who had shuffled over to sit next to her. He stared at her for a moment, not saying anything. It was if he was trying to read her, as if she were a text in a language he didn’t understand.

Eventually, he replied, but not with the answer Aria was expecting. “When I heard about the Herald of Andraste, I never imagined it would be  _you,”_ Dorian said quietly. The tents were not close, but a loud voice would still travel over easy enough. “I mean, you’re dead. Or at least you’re supposed to be. Funny how things turn out, isn’t it?” Aria felt her body stiffen.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, feeling her hands become clammy. Aria lowered her head, for some reason believing if he couldn’t see her face then he would not recognise her any further. A fool’s thought.

“So if you’re alive, and you have  _those_ ,” he pointed to Aria’s ears, “then that means the little rumour about the Trevelyan’s is true. Oh I  _am_  glad I chose to stay.” Aria felt her chest heave at the name. She couldn’t look at him, she couldn’t look anywhere. All she wanted to do was run into the forest, escape it all once more. “It’s the eyes, if you’re wondering how I knew. My Mother has the Trevelyan eyes too. I don’t suppose you knew we were related either? Distantly, of course. Great, great grandparents I believe.”

“I… what?” Aria said dumbly. She found it suddenly very difficult to control her mouth.

“I can only assume the others don’t know. You have nothing to fear, they will not find out from me,” Dorian reassured and Aria felt her entire body relax. Thank the Maker, she thought.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“If you are wanting to hide yourself from the world forever, I would warn you now, with the position you find yourself in, it will not work. But I'm not one to sit and be the bearer of bad news, I will leave you to your rest, I have a Templar to cuddle up with," Dorian said, winking. The Tevinter hopped up, giving Aria one last look and made his way to his tent as well.

+++

Cullen shifted back and forth. Another night where sleep would elude him. At least he has an excuse now, he can blame it on Dorian. The man did insist on sleeping uncomfortably close, pushing Cullen further and further to the edge. Admitting defeat, he grabbed a blanket and made for the exit. The night air was cold against his skin. His loose shirt and breeches offered some protection, but little in comparison to his armour. He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and headed towards the fire.

At first, it seemed the Herald had settled in her tent, until he found a small pile of what he thought was blankets by the fire. It was when the blankets began to shuffle he realised what it was. Cullen stopped dead in his tracks, and began to slowly edge backwards so as not to disturb her.

“No,” Aria muttered, shuffling more. “No,” she said again, louder this time.

“Herald?” he questioned quietly.

“Get off me,” she spoke, her arms started waving in front of her and her legs kicked the blankets away. “Get away from me!” When she shouted, Cullen darted forwards. She was now thrashing with fury. Kneeling down beside her, Cullen held his hands out to try and figure out what to do before pushing down on her shoulders, shaking her slightly.

“Aria,” he hissed. She didn’t hear, and continued trying to push away under his grasp.

“Please,” she sobbed. Cullen shook her shoulders again with more force causing Aria to let out a gasp. Her eyes opened wildly and darted around. They stopped when she saw him. Cullen couldn’t help but fixate on them, although she looked frightened they were still beautiful.

“You’re safe,” he said softly to her. He could see beads of sweat pouring down her face and her chest was heaving rapidly. He knew all too well what she had experienced, and all he could do was pity her. Terrors in the night are a terrible thing, this was an area Cullen had expertise. His face reddened when he noticed he still knelt over her with a grip on her shoulders. He quickly stumbled back, falling to his side and desperately trying to attempt it to look like he had purposely sat like this. His arm was twisted behind him and it felt like his legs were knotted together. Scorning himself, he rearranged his position, sitting comfortably this time. Maker's breath, she must think him a fool.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you,” Cullen said quickly, shuffling again, this time to lean on his left hand. “I thought you might still be awake and I-,” no good, perhaps leaning against his right arm would do. “I couldn’t sleep either and-,” perhaps sitting upright so both of his arms were free.

“Cullen,” Aria interrupted, “please just for once in your life, relax,” she rubbed her head vigorously.

“Right, sorry,” it certainly was not the fire which made him feel so warm. “Are you alright?” he suddenly asked. He knew why he was cursed with such terrors, but why was she?

“Yes,” she replied, although Cullen did not believe her. Neither spoke for a while and Aria seemed frozen. Her gaze was locked onto the flames in front of her. They seemed to dance in her eyes, Cullen couldn’t help but watch with fascination. He wanted to comfort her, and several times he almost reached out and did so. Then his mind kicked in and he realised what a ridiculous notion that would be. Although she had tried to admit otherwise, Cullen knew she held a strong disliking towards him. Before they left for Redcliffe, he would have said the same. But he has seen something within her he had not seen before. There was a passion he had always observed, but he always thought her stubborn and naïve. Yet the more he learnt, the more naïve he in fact was, not her.

“I’ve been meaning to thank you,” he announced out finally. She turned to face him, confusion spreading across her face. “At Redcliffe. I tried to stop you, I admit, but you saved my life. I am in debt to you it would seem,” Cullen spoke softly.

“It was me who was in debt to you, actually, after I stupidly fell for that trap. Now we are even. You don’t owe me anything,” Aria said, her voice sounding hoarse. Cullen could see dark circles under her eyes, the little sleep was clearly bothering her too. He dreaded to think what his own appearance was like at the moment, ragged hair, unshaved and a look of sheer exhaustion.

“I suppose you’re right,” he mused quietly. “Hopefully we do not end up in each other’s debt again,”

“Hopefully,” she repeated and they both sat silent, watching the flames. On several occasions, Cullen lifted a finger and opened his mouth, but the words eluded him.

“You used magic,” he blurted out eventually, curious of how she had felt about it. It was not the first time he had seen her use it now, but her obvious feelings towards it had left some questions in his mind.

“Yes,” she replied, clearly not in the mood to answer such questions. She was not the type of person you wanted to push, Cullen had been on the receiving end of too many conniptions to know that.

“You need some rest, I will stay out here, you need to try and get some sleep,” Cullen said. Although he needed it too, he knew all too well it was no use even trying.

“If you don’t mind, I would prefer to stay here?” she asked, looking up at him.

“If you stay out, you must sleep,”

“Is that an order, Commander? I didn’t know you had it in you,” Aria jested, and gave him a winsome smile which he couldn’t help but match.

“As you said, I  _am_  the Commander, so I suggest you follow it,”

“Very well,” she said, laying her head down beside him. Instinctively, Cullen reached out and stroked her hair gently. He did not pull away when he realised what he was doing, but neither did she.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's protective nature is showing more now.  
> I do love Dorian :) Very excited to write him in!


	8. When the storm comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is beginning to find the journey troubling, especially as the withdrawal from lyrium is becoming more prominent.

Aria groaned. Her thighs ached terribly, and to make matters worse, their blissfully sunny days had taken a darker turn. Black clouds now rolled in all around, bringing a cold wind with it. It would only be a matter of time before the heavens opened and soaked them. It wouldn't seem the rest of the group felt the same melancholy as her, or they were much better at hiding it than she.

"What do you think will happen when we arrive?" Matthews said. Aria hadn't noticed the soldier ride up beside her and she almost jumped off of her saddle when he did. He had tied his hair back today, revealing two scars across his forehand. Aria couldn’t help but wonder what had caused them.

"At Therinfal? If it goes how I would like it to, they will offer us their full support against the Breach without me having to utter a single word, no questions asked," Aria said, sighing as she did whilst Matthews laughed contentedly. 

"Yes, that would be good. And whilst they are at it, this Elder One could apologise for his wrong doings and hand himself in also," it was Aria who laughed this time.

"Maybe he could just go ahead and shut the breach for us too? It would save all this farce." 

“Now hold on, they can’t have  _all_ the fun.”

"I can think of some other things which are much more fun than trying to stop the world ending," Aria moaned.

"I bet you can," Matthews said, giving her a cheeky wink and lifting a grin. Aria blushed, letting out an awkward giggle. He was upfront, wasn’t he?

A sudden crash of thunder in the distance startled Bella, and it took all of Aria's strength to hold on as the mount reared up. Aria muttered softening words to calm her, gently patting against her neck.

"Perhaps that is our cue to make camp?" Cullen said and pulled up next to Aria also. 

"We still have hours of daylight left," she frowned, even though in part she agreed with him, Aria did not want to waste any time. Not again, they couldn’t afford to be late a second time.

"I know a spot which will give us some protection," Matthews interjected, Aria sighed, she knew they were right. 

"Very well, lead the way."

The group of six rode with Matthews at the lead, deeper into the valley. Large rock faces now towered above them as the path narrowed. Matthews led them into a clearing, surrounded by the rock faces. It was small, but would offer some guard from the impending rain. As she jumped down from Bella, she scanned the ground. There was some wood to burn, but it was minimal. They had kept some from the previous night, but it would not be enough.

"I'm going to gather some wood before the rain hits us. Varric, can you get things started? I'm sure Dorian will help you," the dwarf nodded happily at her, although Dorian was much grumpier about all this manual labour. He had complained to her many times already about it, each time she merely told him to stop talking.

"I'll help you," Cullen answered, walking over to her.

“Thank you,”

Scanning the skies, Aria knew they wouldn’t have much time. With efficacy, the pair covered a good proportion of ground, gathering any pieces which were of a suitable size and dry. From behind, Cullen let out a shout followed by a thud to the ground. Dropping the wood she had found, Aria turned on her heel, already drawing a sword. However, she almost fell over laughing when her eyes locked onto the sight in front of her. Ser Cullen Rutherford, leader of the Inquisition’s forces, former Knight-Captain of the Templar Order and intrepid warrior, had fallen over in fear of a nug. He lay awkwardly on his back as the curious creature sniffed at his boots.

“Aww,” Aria beamed, “It’s adorable!” she knelt down beside it, when it sat on its hind legs, allowing Aria to scratch behind an ear. “You’re a friendly little thing, aren’t you,” she said in a babyish voice. “Did you scare that big nasty Templar?” she teased, eyeing the Commander as she spoke. His brow furrowed and he rolled her eyes at her, yet turned his head just as his cheeks flushed. Flustered, Cullen stood up, brushed himself down and sheepishly picked up the wood he had flung to the ground. Aria watched as he kept an eye on the nug happily watching him.

“So, you’re scared of nugs?” Aria asked, unable to wash away the unctonrollable grin which had spread across her face.

“I am not afraid of them, it merely caught me off guard,” Cullen grumbled with his back to Aria. Unable to stop herself, Aria threw a piece of wood which landed just behind the Commander’s feet. He jumped up into the air, spinning around as he did. Aria was now struggling to stand, with tears streaming down her face. She was holding her stomach from laughter.

“Maker’s breath,” Cullen snapped. If looks could kill, Aria certainly would not still be breathing. “Why in Thedas would you do that?”

“For this reaction exactly,” she giggled, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Cullen eyed her once more, muttered something inaudible under his breath and picked up the last of the wood.

“I have never seen anyone react in that way to something so cute,”

“Cute? They are ugly, hairless vermin which harbour diseases,”

“Which you are terrified of?” She got a shove from the Commander’s arm- his hands full of wood. Aria stumbled, catching Cullen’s arm to keep her footing. Her sides now ached from laughing, she was  _never_ going to let him live this down.

“I will remember this,” he sniped when they began walking back to the camp.

“I am sure you will, I doubt this will be a moment you will ever be able to forget,” Aria chortled.

When they had returned, the rain was just starting to pour, it still came down in their shelter but nothing compared to being in the open plains. If it stayed built up, their fire would last most of the night. Varric had already started this evening’s meal when they piled their findings down near a curved rock face. Hopefully, it would stay dry there. Dorian sat huddled by the fire with a face of thunder to contest the skies itself.

“You know, I’m really not designed for this lifestyle,” he grumbled, pulling his knees closer to his chest. “When are we going to get to this blasted place?”

“We are roughly two days ride, depending on how clear our path is,” Aria replied as she inspected the stew Varric was tending to.

“Relax,” he said, pushing her away, “I’m not going to poison you, leave a dwarf to his work.”

“I was just checking!” she argued then went to sit down by the fire with Matthews and Dorian. “Where’s Bull?” she asked, glancing around to find the qunari.

“Don’t worry, Boss, just needed a piss,” Bull boomed from behind her as he entered the clearing.

“Charming,” Dorian said sarcastically.

“Problem?” Bull said as he sat down beside the mage.

“I do hope it doesn’t bother you, having to travel alongside a ‘Vint,’” Dorian pestered, pushing himself away slightly from the qunari.

“Just watch yourself and we’ll be fine,” Bull said.

“I’m also a mage, would you prefer me bound and leashed?”

“I’d buy you dinner first,”

“Not this again,” Aria said, rolling her eyes.

“Just filling the void, Boss. It’s pretty quiet round here now you and Cullen have kissed and made up.” Both Aria and Cullen opened their mouths in protest, held them agape for a moment then closed them. Instead, she ducked her head and uttered very fast thank yous to Varric when he passed this evening’s meal around.

Nobody stayed out long this evening, even with the protection the thunderous rain fall left a deep chill in their bones. In the tent, it was a luscious feeling to take her leathers off, leaving them at the entrance to keep her bed dry. The blankets were warm against her chilled skin and her slumberous mind did not take long to drift into a sleep.

+++

Cullen woke, panicked and covered in sweat. He sighed in relief when he realised where he was. Just another dream, he reminded himself. No matter how many times he said it, they always seemed so real. Each seemed to be worsening, more vivid as if he were back in the Circle. His attempt to get comfortable once more was thwarted by the Tevinter beside him, who had no concept of personal space. He had enjoyed Dorian’s company on their travels, much more than he thought he would. He was loud, obnoxious and hedonistic, but Cullen already considered him a friend. Yet now shoved against the edge of his tent, with several limbs pinning him down and the stale, wine infused breath on his ear, this was enough.

Admitting defeat, Cullen pushed Dorian aside, and left his tent. The rain was pouring heavier now, but at least there was space. The Commander tried to find another spot to lay, but he was too restless. He always was after a dream like that. All he could now do was pace around the campsite, back and forth, again and again. He tried to push the memories from his mind, replaying the day’s journey in his head instead. Nothing seemed to work, not until he remembered gathering wood with Aria. Her laugh when she saw him lying on the floor, terrified of such a pitiful creature. Smiling at him with that winsome grin of hers. Now, these new thoughts wouldn’t leave his mind. Cullen continued to pace, faster and faster with each step as lashings of rain soaked him. He fumbled when his foot stood on a log and he called out as he fell to the ground. Mud sprayed over his face and his hands slipped when he tried to steady himself. He muttered profanities under his breath as he lifted himself and shook the mud from his hands.

“Cullen?” a soft voice came from behind him. Aria stood, wrapped with a blanket covering her body and hair, an air of concern over her.

“I was... I am-,” he stuttered, rubbing a now dirty hand on the back of his neck.

“Falling over again, I see?” she smirked at him.

“Well, yes,”

“Was there another nug in the camp?” Aria quipped, pretending to search the camp vehemently. Cullen rubbed his hair whilst an awkward grin covered his cheeks.

“Not this time.”

“Then what in the Maker  _are_  you doing? You are going to freeze out here, get back in to your tent,”

“I… can’t” Cullen said, instinctively causing Aria to step forwards, and he could see her toes sinking into the mud. Maker, she must be freezing.

“What do you mean?”

“Dorian is a rather… difficult guest. I will sleep better out here. But it is you who is going to catch a death of cold, go back inside, I will be fine,” Cullen said, watching the Herald. Her blanket had slid off of her head, revealing a mess of yellow curls which were quickly dampening and sticking to her face.

“No you won’t. I can’t have the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces dying from a bloody cold so come on,”

“Come on?” he questioned, a brow lifting.

“If you can’t sleep in your tent you will have to sleep with me,” Aria said, lifting a hand over her mouth suddenly. She bit her lip and scrunched her eyes shut for a moment, shaking her head. “You will have to sleep in my tent,” she corrected.

“No, it is quite alright,” Cullen protested, although he had taken a step towards her. They now only stood a few feet away and Cullen watched as droplets of rain poured trickled down her cheeks.

“It wasn’t a question, Commander, it was an order,”

“ _I_ am the Commander,” Cullen argued, taking another step. He was now close enough to reach out and touch her.

“Yes, but  _I_  am the Herald, so I win,” Aria grinned, revealing that smile he couldn’t help but admire.

“That is  _not_  how it works,” Cullen began, but was interrupted. Aria reached out for his hand, pulling him towards her tent.

It wasn’t until he was under blankets once more that he realised just how cold he was out there. His shirt had soaked through, so he had to leave it at the entrance to Aria’s tent. His trousers were also considerably damp, but he had refused to remove those as well.

“Better?” Aria questioned, a sleepy residue now in her voice.

“Much better,” he replied as he lay on his back.

“I told you so,” she said, nudging against his shoulder. Cullen felt his body stiffen at the sudden contact with her bare skin. Was she wearing _anything?_ At least it was pitch black so she could not see his face blush uncontrollably.

“Yes, it seems you were right for once in your life,” Cullen quipped as he tried to steady his breathing.

“Hey, I am  _always_  right, thank you very much,” the pair laughed, sinking into the blankets more. Cullen felt Aria shift, mimicking his position to lie on her back also. He didn’t know what to do with himself as he felt her hand brush against his and, when a single finger locked between his, a shiver ran up his spine.  _What are you getting yourself into?_

It was not long before Aria had drifted off – it seemed almost instantaneous- and Cullen could hear her breathing deep and soft. The warmth of her body near his was a wondrous feeling. He wanted to reach out and take it in his frozen hands. He almost did, but when reminded himself what- or who- was causing such delightful warmth, he quickly stopped himself. Closing his eyes, Cullen prayed to Andraste that no more dreams would come. Even though he had witnessed Aria go through a terror, he did not want her to see him endure the same fate.

The next morning, Cullen lay peacefully snuggled into the warmth of the thick blankets which covered him. Its touch was soft against his skin and he wrapped his arms around the pile. They smelt slightly of sweat and leather, but with a light, flowery aroma which Cullen inhaled. He didn’t remember the last time he felt so relaxed and he tightened his embrace on the blankets further.

He heard a soft moan, pulling him into consciousness slightly but when the blankets moved, Cullen froze, opening his eyes. It was not a blanket which covered him, which he had pulled close to his bare skin. It was the Herald. Her arm was wrapped around him with her hand resting gently on his bare hip and her head lay on his chest. One of her legs had intertwined with his, her soft skin enveloping him. The touch made his skin shiver and the hairs on his body stick on end. She was still asleep, her breathing told him as much. He could hear the others moving around outside, and he felt his heart race. If only the ground itself could swallow him up now. How could he explain this? Yes, nothing had happened, she had only offered him shelter from the storm. Yet when he leaves her tent, he could already see the grins across their faces. The questions they would bombard him with. Sighing, he knew there was no point procrastinating. Carefully, he slid himself from the Herald’s grasp, and made his way to exit. Cullen made sure his shirt was properly back on before popping his head out of the tent.

For a moment, he thought he had made his way out unnoticed, until he saw Bull to his right, prepping the fire for breakfast. The qunari said nothing, but gave Cullen a wink and a thumbs up. Ignoring the Iron Bull, he sheepishly hurried over to his own tent to prepare himself for today.

With his armour donned once more, Cullen gulped and left his sanctuary. The dark clouds had dissipated, revealing bright blue skies once more. Aria had now awoken as well, along with the others. She smiled sweetly as he walked over to her and Matthews.

“Thank you,” she said to the Lieutenant, who nodded in response and went to help the others prepare breakfast.

“Good morning, Herald,” he said, trying keeping an air of professionalism in his voice.

“Commander,” she replied. “I hope you slept well?”

“I…uh,” he stuttered, losing his tone already. He hadn’t thought about it until she asked, but he had. He really had slept well. In fact, he struggled to remember such a calm night. There was no weight of exhaustion pulling him down. He even felt a bit cheery, a feeling of invigoration which had eluded him for so long. “I did thank you. Very well,” his voice trailed off slightly. He blinked suddenly, pulling him back from his thoughts. “Did you?”

“Yes, much better than I thought I would have,”

“Oh, I’m sorry if I made it difficult for you,” Cullen felt his face redden. Of course he had made it difficult for her. He had taken over her space, just as Dorian had done to him. “I apologise,” Cullen said quickly, deciding that the horses needed to be tended to urgently and made for a swift exit. He was stopped, however, as a hand reached for his. Cullen felt her grip tighten around his fingers until he turned to face her again.

“That was not what I meant. I slept very well, with you there. In fact, much better than I have done so in a very long time,” she said, her eyes staying low to the ground. “It was most refreshing,”

_Then perhaps we should sleep together again_ Cullen thought. Or at least he had thought he had. When the Herald lifted a quizzical brow at him, he knew that thought did not stay in his mind. 

_Well done, Rutherford._   _If the ground wouldn’t swallow you up before, now is the time to start praying to the Maker that it does now._

“Perhaps we should.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of updates recently! The joys of some time off so I'm making the most of some free time.


	9. Champions of the just

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aria and the others have finally made it to Therinfal but just in time. After a bloody onslaught, she reveals herself to Cullen in a way he had never thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a longer one! Also I know there has been a lot of updates recently but they will go back to weekly updates after today.

"Why does this have to be so fucking difficult!" Aria screamed, ripping her blades out of the chest of another Red Templar. "Don't leave, he said. Stay and help the Inquisition, its greeeat, he said," she mimicked as her blade cut into another. "Don't you ever give me advice again Varric!" Aria's hair stuck to her face as the sweat poured down. They now stood, in the courtyard of Therinfal, having fought their way through yet another rather aggressive group of red Templars. The thick red veins which slithered through their skin made her skin crawl.

Thankfully, they had been able to save many other Templars, who now fought along with them. But in the dungeon, the Mages they found. It didn't bear thinking about. Barris had explained they were apostates taken in, but that he had no idea what the Lord Seeker had done to them. At least he showed his disgust to the massacre that had laid before them. Cullen, on the other hand, said nothing.

"Herald!" Barris called out, having dealt with the final Templar. "The Lord Seeker is close, those who are strong enough to fight will stand beside you," Aria nodded, wiping her blades clean of blood against the leg of the Templar she had killed.

"We do not know what is on the other side of those doors. Secure the area first, we must have the injured protected and our able ready for the next fight," Aria replied, as she rolled the Templar she had killed on to his back. Each one she checked, she let out a sigh of relief. Not Caleghan. When discussing with Varric, he said he didn't think her brother would be here at all. But Aria knew how much he loved the order, how he wanted to serve. Maker, he could already be dead. Pushing the thought from her mind, she unfastened her left vambrace, revealing a deep cut running down her arm. The bleeding had already slowed at this point, but the sudden sight of her own blood made her knees weaken and she stumbled to the ground. It was surprising, considering how much blood and viscera was already around her that this cut would cause such a reaction. Aria was caught just before she hit the ground and pulled back to her feet. There stood Cullen in front of her. His hair was flecked with blood and sweat. The hair on his face had started to thicken, clearly the Commander had given up trying to shave whilst on the road. She tried to thank him, but the words wouldn't come. He said nothing when he saw the Mages they found, did he not care at all?

"Let me sort that, old girl," Dorian said, lifting her arm into his hands.

"Conserve your energy, there are others who need your help more," Aria argued, pulling her hand away. She reached into her pocket to pull out a small bandage. It was thin, but wrapped tightly around her arm it would suffice.

“If you get yourself killed when I’ve only just joined the Inquisition, I would be most annoyed,” he teased, winking at her. “I can’t imagine anyone else being quite so fun,” Aria scrunched her face at him and stuck her tongue out.

“If I do get myself killed, you will just have to find someone else to annoy?”

“Oh but I don’t think I could annoy anyone else as well as you,” Even in times like this, Dorian knew exactly how to cheer her up. She felt blessed to have him on this journey. Knowing that he knew who she was – who she  _truly_  was- as well was a rather uplifting feeling.  _Perhaps keeping it hidden was not the best idea after all, I mean, it couldn’t get any worse, could it?_

"There are others who need help, Barris. It's too late for me," a raspy voice caught Aria's attention. Just ahead, she could see Barris leaning over another Templar slumped against the wall. Her eyes narrowed as she scanned the fallen soldier. His helmet was gone, revealing thick locks of auburn hair sticking to his pale, freckled skin. A deep scar resided down his face, over his eye and down to his jaw. It couldn't be. He's dead. 

"Don't be a fool, Fin," Barris replied.  _Fuck._  Aria was already sprinting over, kneeling beside Barris and the soldier with her hands stretched towards him. Both looked shocked by her sudden arrival, until the wounded soldier gave her a weak grin.

"I knew I'd see you again," Fin rasped. This couldn't be; he’s dead. He died because of her. Aria scanned over his face, drinking in each feature once more. His deep brown eyes locked onto hers, and she already felt the tears fill up.

"You died," she managed to whisper as she tried to blink away the tears.

"Not yet, darling," he lifted a bloodied hand and held her cheek. Aria pushed herself into it, and then the tears poured.

"Fin, how?"

"Caleghan, he convinced your Mother to have me conscripted into the Templars or the Wardens instead of having me killed," Fin coughed, blood splattering over his hand. "I figured I'd have a better chance seeing my spark in the Templars, so here I am," he smiled at her again, and Aria grabbed his hand which still rested on her face. How could this be happening?

"Cal…"

"Is not here,” he interrupted, “Your brother never returned to the order after he went looking for you,"

"They said you were executed. Fin, if I had known you were still alive, I would have walked through the Fade itself to find you," he smiled again, revealing that grin she had fallen in love with so many years ago.

"I know, my love. I’m just glad you are alive after all, and I got to see you a final time," Aria's eyes widened. No, not now. She pushed her hands onto his chest, speaking any words she knew to heal. His chest plate was caved in, whatever he had fought hit him with enormous force. Blue aura poured from her hands into his body. It was harder, without a staff, and it tired her out much faster than if she had used one, but right now Aria didn’t care. If it drained her of her very life she would continue if it meant Fin was given another chance.

"Why isn't it working," she pleaded, forcing the healing into him again. Her body began to exhaust but she forced through it until Fin grabbed her hands into his own.

"It's too late, darling,"

"No, no no no! I’m not losing you again, Fin," she turned and scanned the courtyard. All eyes were on her but she ignored them, searching for another mage. "Dorian! We need your help," she called when she found him, but he only shook his head. When she turned back to Fin, he was still smiling at her, but that only made her cry more. He pulled her closer and Aria allowed him to, until she planted a kiss on his cracked lips. They were warm to the touch, salty in taste and everything that she remembered. When she pulled away, Fin did not open his eyes. His grip on her went limp and his hands fell down into his lap. Gone. She felt her heart drop in her chest like a rock. As her breathing began to hasten, she felt herself engulf in panic. Not again! How could this be happening? Was this some sick, twisted joke of the Maker?

Even when Aria finally stood, she could not take her eyes off of her old lover. It was her fault he had died, again.

"Aria," a voice came softly from behind her, resting a hand on her shoulder.

"Get your hands off me, Templar," she hissed at Cullen who quickly stepped back.

"Let's go," she said flatly, wiping the tears from her cheeks, not looking at the many eyes which were transfixed on her. She wanted to find the Lord Seeker. She wanted to make him pay for what he had done. She wanted him to hurt as much as she did now and the Maker himself wouldn't be able to stop her.  
As they made their way to the top of the stairs, with Cullen and Aria at the lead, the doors opened. Out walked Lord Seeker Lucius until he was just out of arm's reach from Aria. His expression made Aria feel uncomfortable, as there was none at all. He did not speak, his eyes did not even move as he walked out. They were fixed on her.

"You fucking bastard! Look at what you have done, to your own brothers and sisters!" Aria bellowed, pointing down to the massacre in the courtyard but there was still nothing. Aria was sure he hadn't even blinked. She looked at Cullen, who seemed just as concerned, his sword tightly held in his hand. It was then she had realised the commander was without his shield. His armour was smothered in blood, more than she had first realised. "Do you have nothing to say for yourself? Look at what you have caused!" with that, the Lord Seeker smiled. It was something from a nightmare, Aria thought, and she stepped back. Suddenly, Lucius lunged forwards, wrapping his hands around Aria's neck with unnatural speed and strength. Her swords dropped as she tried to prise the pressing fingers away from her throat.

"No!" Cullen shouted, charging into the Lord Seeker. Then darkness ensued.

 

“Fuck,” Aria hissed, clutching her head. Her ears rung terribly, and was that singing she could hear? Her eyes scanned all around her, everything had changed. Maker only knows where the Seeker had sent her to. As she pushed herself up from the ground, she noticed the growth underneath her. It looked like grass apart from the colour was all wrong. Instead of green, it looked black and charcoaled. She couldn’t feel it under her fingertips either, when she tried to touch it, it made her shudder.

Green light emanated around her, dimly lighting wherever she was. Her hand was glowing more than usual, but it was not enough to light the room. Was it a room? The light did not stretch far, and it was just darkness behind it. Even with the strange light, her vision was obscured by the thick fog which seemed to show the path ahead. Aria could just about make out pillars ahead on either side of a path. Well, she assumed it must be the path, but to where? Keeping a single blade unsheathed, she made her way through the fog.

The abnormal light seemed to follow her, each step lit up a bit further ahead of her. Not enough though to really show where she was. As she continued to scan around, each step carefully considered and implemented, Aria let out a slight squeal. She had thought there was someone else there until she realised it was in fact one of the strange stone pillars which had moved. They were spinning slowly and swaying from side to side. It was then Aria realised they were floating slightly from the ground, and it almost looked like each stone within the pillar was in fact separate from each other.

The indiscernible whispers around made the blood pound in her head. She felt her stomach wretch as the acrid stench of rotten flesh filled her nostrils. It was overwhelming, the putrid stink curdling inside her. In between the pillars stood the scorched corpses Aria recognised all too well from the Temple of Ashes. So that is the cause of such a stench. She kept her gaze straight ahead of her as she walked, although the feeling of her being watched intensified dramatically. Her trepidations only heightened as all logic of this place seemed to contradict herself. There were only two possibilities. Either she had died when the Lord Seeker attacked her and she was lost in some horrific part of the fade, or this was some new, intense nightmare she had not yet had the pleasure of enduring. She gave herself a pinch, tighter and tighter until it made her eyes water. Still not change. She checked all over her body for any serious wounds, but nothing. Whatever this was, it was real. The trepidations only got worse.

She continued her path through the living nightmare, when she noticed something new ahead. As Aria scrunched her eyes, the fog dissipated around a figure. Could it be? Her pace quickened until the figure was clear. She could not forget those eyes.

“Fin!” she shouted, her heart lifting at the sight of him. When she was only a few feet away, Aria froze. There was something different about him. The lack of expression on his face could have matched the Lord Seeker. “Fin?” she said again. The empty figure in front of her still did not reply. He didn’t blink or move or even breathe. Her heart sank. She watched him die, there is no way it could be him. Not really.

Another figure materialised behind Fin, and Aria could not falter who that was either. Even in the darkness behind Fin, the mantle could belong to nobody else. Cullen. How could he be here as well? He did grab the Lord Seeker when he attacked, could he have been transported here as well?

“Cullen?” she questioned. The figure stepped forwards. He looked the same as always, apart from the eyes. Instead of warm, golden eyes, they were replaced with a dark red which seemed to be glowing.

“Is this shape useful?” Cullen asked. It sounded just like him, but different, a strange echo residing around it. “Will it let me know you?”

“What are you?” Aria demanded, although she already knew the answer.

“The question is, what are you? What have you become? What are your fears, wants, desires? I want to know you,  _Herald_.” Cullen stepped forwards, his back now pushed against Fin. Aria saw the gleam of a dagger in the Commander’s hand.

“Watch,” he said as he lifted the dagger, sliding across Fin’s throat.

“No!” Aria lunged forwards, catching Fin in her arms. He sagged against her, pulling her to the ground. The expression on his face still did not change. Whatever this vessel was, it was not Fin.  _It’s not real, it’s not real_ , Aria repeated in her head. It didn’t stop the tears welling in her eyes however.

“How does that make you feel?” Cullen said mockingly.

“You do not scare me demon!” Aria scolded, standing to face him. Yet when she glanced around, she was alone. Even Fin had disappeared.

“You do not scare me demon!” Her words were repeated in a terrifying cacophony. Aria spun around, to find the demon Cullen smirking at her.

“Tell me what you think!” a voice called from behind Aria, and she spun around to find Cullen standing afore her again. “Tell me how you feel!”

Another shriek and Aria turned, her hands covering her mouth in horror. There stood herself, clutching her stomach with blood pouring out of it. When Aria looked down to find the blade which had committed the deed in her hands, she stumbled back, dropping the metal on the floor.  
“Tell me who you are,” Aria ran, she didn’t care where to, but anywhere would be better than in here with that… that  _thing._

 

As she ran, a room began to form around her and she was now in a prison cell she knew all too well. The guards encircled her with their blades unsheathed, each pointing at the Herald’s throat.

“Do you deny it?” The Seeker’s voice echoed around the cell. She tried to move but her hands were chained. Cassandra walked towards her, sword in hand.

“Stop this!” Aria demanded, but it was for naught. The Seeker walked closer and closer.

“Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you now. The conclave is destroyed, everyone who attended is dead, except for  _you_ ,” Cassandra lifted her sword and swung it fiercely down on Aria. Screaming, the elf lifted her hands to cover her head, falling into a ball on the floor. But nothing came. Aria held herself, her heart racing and her breathing sped up faster and faster. It took all her strength not to throw up on the floor as she tried to grasp what was going on.

After a few moments, Aria lifted her head. There was no Seeker, no guards and the demon was nowhere to be seen. Her eyes widened when she realised where she now was.

“Mother, please,” a weak voice rasped behind her. Turning, Aria let out a gasp. There she was- her younger self- strapped down against the table with her Mother looming over her.

“You bring this on yourself, you foolish child,” Another figure appeared next to her Mother. Their hood hung over their head and their staff loomed over him. Wilhelm. Aria felt a shiver run down her spine as the memories she had spent so many years running from were being played out in front of her own eyes.

“Is the ritual ready to begin?” Wilhelm nodded. The mage stood over Aria’s younger self, his staff in one hand and a blade in the other.

“Please, not again,” Aria sobbed, pulling against the chains which held her down.

“Begin,” Wilhelm struck a blade against her skin, causing the young Aria to scream out. Blood floated around her body and smothered in a thick mixture, forming into a scarlet smoke. As it thickened, it deafened the screams. Then the smoke smothered the entire image in front of her, merging into a single figure. It was Aria again, older now, holding a young child. The herald watched as her past self ran, clutching onto her brother. She followed until they entered another room, where Cullen stood.

“How do you feel, seeing the memories you bury?” the demon yelled once more, slowly stepping towards the memory it was now showing.

“It’s ok now,” the young Aria whispered to her brother, “I won’t let them hurt you anymore,” she placed her brother on the floor, hugged him tightly. Then the younger Aria began to laugh hysterically and pushed a blade through his chest. Sven slumped to the floor and the demon laughed that horrific laugh once more.

“That is not what happened!” Aria screamed. She wanted to console her dying brother, but she restrained herself.  _Not again._

“It might as well have been. You didn’t save him, he is dead because of you,” Cullen replied contemptuously.

“I am going to kill you,” she heaved, her heart pounded inside her chest. How dare this vile creature say such a thing. Aria had done everything she could to save her brother, to stop the same horrific blood ritual which had been used on her to alter her image on him as well.

“I am going to kill you!” Cullen mimicked. His voice was replaced by her own, but still with a chilling echo which reverberated around the room. “Everything you think, do, say makes me know you.”

Aria blinked and Cullen was gone. She now stood alone, the mysterious green light residing around her still. Her palm hit furiously against her brow, trying to gage what to do. Searching around the empty room, there was a single door at the far end, behind where Cullen once stood. There was nowhere else to turn, and Aria certainly did not want to stay where she was so she followed on.

“Do you know what the Inquisition can become?” The voice echoed around Aria, making her jump just before she opened the door. “Shall I show you?”

“Why are you doing this!” a stranger’s voice called as Aria opened the door. There she stood, an image of the Herald wearing an exquisitely created suit of armour. The demon looked the mirror of her, yet her skin was darker, and her eyes glowed as green as the mark she bore.

“Admit your heresy,” the demon said with an almost perfect likeness to her own. Mother Giselle knelt in front of the demon, her clothes cut and ragged and covered in blood.

“My heresy! You have filled this world with blood, ruin and fear!” Mother Giselle said, her voice hoarse. The demon struck the Mother, causing her to scream out and fall to the floor.

“I have conquered this world to match my own ambition, but I will not stop,”

“No!” Aria called out, “I would never do this?”

“When the Elder One kills you, I will  _be_  you,” Cullen appeared where the image in front of her once stood. “I will take your Inquisition and fill this world with death for the Elder One. All will fear you.”

“Do you really think anyone will believe you? This not who I am, it would never be!”

“Then show me who you really are,” Aria lunged forwards with her blade in her hand.

 +++

“We can’t leave!” Cullen shouted at Barris’ offering of a room to rest, pacing back and forth. Every few seconds, he turned back to face the spot where the Herald had vanished into thin air. It had been over an hour now, and they had hunted through the entire keep to search for her but there was not even a trace. He rubbed the back of his neck furiously as he continued his movements. “They will return,” he willed himself to believe, yet the words were incredulous. It wasn’t even as if there was any signs of where they had gone, not a single trail for Cullen to follow.

“Then we wait,” Varric sighed, sitting on the stone steps. “She is far too stubborn to die, Princess will be back before we know it,” Cullen wanted to believe him, yet the doubtful look on the dwarf’s face made it difficult.

“But back from where?” he asked, even though the questions had already ran through his mind a thousand times. Where he had touched the Lord Seeker, his skin burned even under his gloves. They still tingled unnervingly even though there was no injury. “Curly, I am sure wherever she is, Princess knows what she is doing. We need to stay calm. The last of the red Templars have been weeded out, we now just need to wait,”

“But what if she-,” A thunderous crash exploded, deafening Cullen. His hands wrapped around his head to try and stop the sound beating through his ear drums but it made little difference. He called out in pain, or at least he thought he did, he could not hear it over the electrifying crash. When another scream replaced the deafening crash, Cullen opened his eyes. There stood the herald, bloody and sweaty with a fireball flying from her hand. He almost didn’t notice the demon towering over her until the fireball smashed into its chest, sending it to the floor. The Herald did not hesitate, jumping on top of the vile creature and ramming a dagger into its chest. She pulled the blade out and stabbed again, and again and again. Ichor sprayed over her face and hands and, even when the demon was limp, she did not stop. It wasn’t until Cullen pulled her away did she end the onslaught. She kicked and thrashed to begin with but he did not let go of her, instead wrapping his arms tight around her. When she calmed, Aria did not pull away from his grasp, but wrapped her arms around his waist also, nuzzling her head into his chest. Uncaring of the many eyes upon them, Cullen whispered calming words to her and stroked her hair softly as he felt silent sobs leave her.

 

The rooms Barris had offered the Inquisition members were more than sufficient. Large beds with thick, soft blankets and a mattress he could sink into forever. The look of glee on Dorian’s face when he was offered such a room was a sight to behold, yet Cullen hated everything about it. The Commander always preferred the simpler things in life, this was not what he was used to at all. Even though he had reached a new level of comfort he did not think he would ever experience again, he couldn’t sleep. All he could do was replay the day. Having to kill so many Templars, people he would have considered brothers and sisters once upon a time. They had fallen onto the wrong path, and he couldn’t help but think that if the situations were different, he could have been one of them today. Instead of fighting to save this world, he could have been fighting to destroy it.

He lifted his head from the pillow, rubbing his eyes. The fire across the room still burned, giving a dull glow. He didn’t know who it once belonged to, but it was someone of importance within the Order. Giving up, Cullen lifted himself from the heavenly bed and made his way to the desk. Opening the top drawer, he found exactly what he wanted. A decanter with several glasses sat inside the deep, mahogany drawer. Lifting a single glass, he poured himself a drink of the warm brown liquid. It burned his throat when he sipped it, feeling the warmth swish in his stomach. It felt good though, and it did not take him long to finish the glass. His head was already swimming from the liquid. Yet when he went to pour a second glass, he paused, turning to face his door. Before he knew it, he was half way down the corridor with the decanter and two glasses.  _What are you doing?_  He knocked on the door in front of him.  _This is a stupid idea._  His ears pressed forwards to hear any sign she was awake, but only silence.  _Thank the Maker, go back to your room._ Just as he turned to leave, he froze. A click echoed down the corridor as the door opened, revealing Aria, drowsy and dishevelled wearing nothing but an oversized shirt.

“Cullen?” she asked quietly, rubbing her eyes.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he said, but she shook her head. Yawning, she gestured him in and sat down back down on the bed in the centre. Her room was similar to his, although her bed had leaves carved all across the dark wood. The bedding was a pale green, a colour which matched subtly with her eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she said, stifling a second yawn. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought you could do with a drink,” he said, lifting the glasses and whiskey up in the air.

“I’m not really in the mood to have you watch me drink again, Commander, or to have you scold me for doing so,” she criticised.

“Fine,” Cullen said, placing the glasses on the desk and pouring just one. “Then you can watch  _me_  drink it instead,” when he took a sip, his eyes were locked onto the Herald. She smirked at him, then walked over to pour herself a –much larger- drink. Aria gulped it down, coughing as the burning liquid hit the back of her throat. Her hip rested against the desk Cullen sat at. The shirt she wore was oversized with the baggy sleeves hanging over her hands. It was far too big to be her own, likely a remnant found in her room. It hung below her waist, covering herself just enough she did not have to wear any trousers. Cullen drank in the sight in front of him, he scanned every freckle, every mark on her skin. Her tanned legs seemed to go on forever, perfectly toned and he watched as she stood on the tip of her toes to rest her hips against the desk.

“How are you feeling?” Cullen asked, taking a sip as he leant back to rest his feet on the desk. Although he now watched her eyes, he couldn’t help but sneak another glance down to drink in the image in front of him again.

“I’m fine,” she lied, her eyes flicking towards Cullen for a second. He watched as the herald sighed, shaking her head weakly. 

“Well?” she said, as she poured another drink. He cocked a brow at her as he too poured a drink and took a sip. Each drink was easier, soothing his throat rather than burning.

“Ask me,” she said, her eyes narrowing as they locked on to his. He had many questions he wanted to ask her. About her brother, Fin, all of it. Yet he said nothing.

“Your brother is called Caleghan. And he is a Templar,” he stated rather than asking. She nodded, brushing the papers on the table with her fingertips. On two occasions, she lifted one up, pretending to read it, then put it back down.

“I only knew one Caleghan in the Templar order. Caleghan Trevelyan,” Aria nodded softly at his words but did not look at him as he spoke.

“He wrote about you a lot. He said you showed him a kindness when he joined the Order.”

“If he is your brother, then that too makes you a Trevelyan,” Aria nodded.

“I’m glad he had you to look after him, I was worried when he joined.”

 “He reminded me of myself, before,” he cut off. Before the Circle. Before his mind was twisted with hatred and resentment to mages.

“Blood magic,” she blurted out, finally looking at him. “That’s how they hid it. Everyone in my family went through the same ritual. But for everyone else, it was only once, before they were even born. It didn’t work the same for me. Maybe being a mage, it stunted it somehow. The ritual would give the image I was human, but it never lasted. Whether it lasted a few months, weeks, or even days sometimes, they would always come back,” Aria rested a hand on one of her ears, pinching the tip gently and rubbed it through her fingers.

“Wilhelm decided it may work better using more blood, to the point it almost killed me,” Aria’s fingers brushed against her arm, lifting the sleeves of her shirt and revealing Cullen thin white scars he had not noticed before.

“Fin’s Father was a close friend of my family, that’s how we met. He tried to help me. We were going to run away together, escape it all. But the night we had planned, Mother found me. I never met Fin, and I never saw him again until today. Mother sent me to Nevarra to marry some ostentatious prince, much against my will.” Cullen sat with his mouth agape as Aria spilled her life out to him. “I thought it would be better there, being away from her. But my husband to be was even worse. So on the night of our wedding, Caleghan had agreed to help me escape. When Markus found me, he went into a fit of rage and attacked me. So I killed him. He was the first person I ever killed.”

“Why are you telling me this?” he quizzed, feeling his eyes blurring now. A part of him told him he should stop, but that voice was becoming quieter every minute. Ignoring the whisper, Cullen took another gulp.

“Deep down you always knew who I was,” she said, pushing away from the desk. “I want you to understand that I am not just a mage, however much you might think that,”

“That is not what I-,”

“Don’t lie Cullen, it doesn’t suit you,” she hissed, glaring at him for a moment.

“And how would you know my mind better than I do?”

“I have seen the way you look at me. And I saw the way you looked at the mages we found today, there was no sign of remorse,” Cullen stood at these words, he felt the anger building up in his head. How could she be saying this now? They had made truce, starting anew with each other to rid their journey of such arguments. Yet here she was, searching for one now.

“No sign of remorse? Because I did not cry or weep or voice my disgust? Do not paint me like the demons we fought today!” Cullen stepped forwards, his hands clenched tight by his sides. The Herald had mirrored his actions and they now stood just inches apart.

“But how are you different? How can you separate yourself from those people?”

“How can you say that? How can you of all people treat every Templar the same when two people you cared for most in this world were just like me?” Cullen shouted. He wished he could take those words back, but it was too late. What could only be described as pure rage spread across her face as she lifted a hand to strike Cullen. He caught her wrist, just in time to stop her fist smashing into her face. His fingers wrapped tightly around her wrist, gripping ever further when she tried to pull away. She tried again, with her other hand this time, but Cullen caught her again. He now stood, holding the Herald close with her hands to her chest.

“Stop!” he cried at her, but she did not listen. She pushed and pulled against him, writhing to free herself.

“Get your hands off me!” she screamed. Cullen stepped forwards, pushing Aria into the wall and pinning her hands against it.

“Stop!” he screamed in her face, his nose pressed to hers. His entire body pushed into her to keep her still and he could feel her hips against his. He could feel her warm breath against his lips. Neither moved, and their eyes locked onto each other.

“What now,  _Commander_?” she said finally, her voice softer now, but still laced with a disgust she kept just for him. Cullen pushed himself into her more, a feeling of desire overwhelming him.

“Aria,” he panted, the only words he could form. As he felt her hips push into his, he felt his trousers tighten as his cock hardened. He should pull away, he told himself- several times on fact- but he didn’t move.

“Cullen,” she whispered back, licking her lips as her eyes were transfixed to his. His next action seemed to happen without thought as his lips locked against hers. At first, she tried to stop, she tried to push him away but his grip on her only tightened. Cullen felt like an animal as he forced himself onto her, he knew he should stop but then her lips melted into his. His tongue caressed against hers as it entered her mouth, the taste of salt and whiskey and her made him groan in pleasure. His hands relaxed their grip , travelling down her body. He wanted to explore every part of her. No, he  _needed_ to explore every part of her. It was if he didn’t do it his mind would explode in fragmentary pleasure. How could this be happening? This was the Herald of Andraste, a woman who only a few days ago had told Cullen how much she despised him. Yet he had seen a side to her he didn’t think anyone had seen before.  

As their kiss intensified, he cupped her face in his hands, rubbing softly down to her neck. They kept moving, it was impossible for them to still. Aria did the same, and she let out a moan as they made their way under his shirt, stroking up and down his spine. He could feel the outline of her breast as one hand continued down to her waist, the other grabbing her legs and lifting her higher, pinning her against the wall with his hips.

_You will kill her. She is nothing more than a dirty mage._

Cullen pulled his head back, shaking the voice from his head. Scanning her face, she opened her eyes and watched him hungrily, her hands pulling at his wait for more. This wasn’t right. She was the Herald of Andraste. And someone so beautiful did not deserve someone as broken as he. How could he even explain the tortures which filled his mind? Cullen stepped back, pushing his hands into her shoulders to get away. His hand rubbed through his hair and he refused to look at her as his drink addled mind contemplated what he had just done. She held out a hand but he snatched his body away further, escaping her intoxicating touch.

“Please forgive me,” he muttered as he darted out of the room

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, first kiss! Even if Cullen did have a wobble about it :)


	10. Preparing for the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aria organises the final preparations ready for the assault on the Breach. Cullen struggles with the conflicts in his mind.  
> NSFW

Cullen always prided himself in his work ethic. He wanted to serve, he wanted to be the greatest he could to protect those who could not protect themselves. Even though he joined the Order much later than most recruits, he soon caught up and even surpassed most of his peers. He threw himself into his work with absolution and was sometimes far too hard on himself. Yet, at least some of the time, he knew when to stop.

Since returning from Therinfal, he saw that determination in Aria more than ever. It had been ten days since their return, and she planned every part of their next step meticulously, she organised everything to such precision and she had become a force to be reckoned with within the Inquisition. Each day, she trained with such ferocity Cullen genuinely feared for whoever next crossed her path. But she did it all alone.  
She worked alone.  
She trained alone.  
She ate alone.

The Herald had not uttered a single word on the return to Haven, and he could likely count the amount she had said since their arrival. Cullen had noticed Varric attempting to talk with her several times, but it was for naught. Eventually, he gave up, but he always stayed close. Bull had invited her to the tavern for another ridiculous drinking competition, but she declined. Sera tried to convince her to carry out an elaborate prank involving Solas' breeches and the Chantry roof. She declined. She always declined.

Whilst her companions tried their hardest to pull her from this isolation, Cullen had done nothing. It made his stomach knot whenever he thought about it, but it was true. He had made no attempt to converse with the Herald and-on more than one occasion- had actively avoided her. No matter how many times he told himself it was for the greater good, that he was protecting her and how it was the best for the inquisition, it did not help. Every time she glanced his way- those bright, emerald eyes met his- he felt his mind enraptured. Whenever she pushed her pale curls back from her face, he felt butterflies in his stomach. If she brushed past him, touching his arm, he felt a shiver run down his spine. Maker, how was he supposed to hide such desires? 

"Then it is agreed," Josephine stated, pulling Cullen back to reality. He blushed when he realised all eyes were on him as he jumped at the ambassador’s voice. From across the table, he met Aria's eyes just for a moment. She nodded to Josephine then turned on her heel. Aria was always the first one to leave these days. Josephine hurriedly followed, carrying piles of dishevelled papers in her hands. Cullen made for the exit, but a hand pushed the door shut. Leliana stood, her hood casting an unsettling shadow across her face.

"We need to talk," her steel tone could have cut through Cullen's armour.

"About?" he replied, clearing his throat. 

"The Herald," Leliana's eyes narrowed at the words. "Tell me what you found out."

"But I've already debriefed you on-,"

"You're hiding something, Cullen," 

"I've told you all I know,"

"Are you sure about that?" Leliana hissed, her lips narrowing. 

"I... Yes," Cullen stammered. He found it difficult enough to lie, but trying to lie to a spymaster as skilled as she? This was torture.

"Very well," she said, pulling the door open once more. She turned her head back to face him before she left. "We will continue this conversation another day when you have jogged your memory." 

Cullen felt his shoulders slump as he left the war room. He had tried to put everything he could into the Inquisition, this was his chance at penance. Yet now he was lying to protect a woman who not only a month ago he could only abhor. 

Needing to clear his head, Cullen made his way down to the barracks. Shouting at his men always helped to calm his mind. Yes, he was tough on them, but he knew here he was helping. This was what he was good at, where he could make a difference. 

"Put your back in to it!" he yelled across the training ground, "If that were your enemy, you'd be dead!" Barris and Matthews were common sights with the soldiers these days. They were demonstrating defence stances to a group of fresh recruits whilst Cullen hardened their longer term soldiers. It was amazing how many had joined them. More and more people flocked to Haven each day, ever since the news of the Herald's survival at the Temple of Sacred Ashes had spread across Thedas.

"Your shield arm must be stronger, otherwise they will crash straight through your defence," Cullen corrected a recruit's stance. Glancing up just for a moment, his body froze. Standing watching the training was Aria. Cullen let out an awkward cough, erecting his posture and pretended to walk around the others. He shouted generic comments at the men, always keeping an eye on her. Every time he looked over, she was closer. Was she coming towards him? He turned away again, rubbing the knot on the back of his neck as he scanned the training ground for someone to drill. Typical, they had all finally listened to him! Strong defence, calculated attack, now they chose to do it correct. 

"Commander?" Aria said, her soft tone sending a shiver down the Commander’s spine. Incredulously, Cullen turned to greet his caller. Her hair was tied back, with a single curl falling down each side to frame her face. Her nose was covered in freckles, more each day with the sun against her face. 

"Herald,” Cullen said, unable to form anymore words and instead produced an awkward cough.

"We plan to assault the Breach the day after next. I need to confirm with yourself and Barris that the Templars are ready?" she spoke as if she was talking in court.

"I... Yes they are," he stuttered. She nodded at him before once again turning to leave without another word. Before Cullen had time to think, he had stepped forwards to grasp her arm, stopping Aria in her tracks.

"A moment, Herald," Cullen whispered. He felt her chest inhale before letting out an exacerbated sigh. Then, she nodded, allowing Cullen to guide her to the lake. The pair stared at the icy water, watching as the first flakes of snow began to fall.

Neither spoke for a while. When the snow fell heavier- covering Cullen's shoulders in a light sprinkling - he finally plucked the courage to talk. 

"I can't imagine how you are feeling at the moment," he began, turning to watch the Herald. She did not mirror his gesture, instead continuing her blank stare into nothing.  
"Have you told her?" she said, ignoring his previous statement.

"Told who...what?"

"Leliana. She did ask you to watch me, no?"

"How do you..." his voice trailed off as a weak smile spread across Aria's face. She finally turned to meet his gaze, her eyes seemed brighter than ever against the white of the snow. 

"You just told me," she chuckled slightly. "You would make a terrible spy Commander. Actually, maybe not. You did find out who I was after all," 

"Yes, well... You have nothing to worry about, I have not told her anything. But that is not why I asked to talk to you," Cullen rested a hand on her shoulder, feeling the warm touch under his hand. "I...we are worried about you, Aria,"

"You're right. You can't imagine how I feel because I feel... Nothing," her eyes filled with tears. Uncaring of who saw it, he pulled Aria towards him, embracing her. She did not fight it, instead wrapped her arms tight around his waist, her fingers digging tightly through his shirt. Her curls tickled his skin where his chin rested against her head. With each sob, he pulled her closer. Cullen planted a soft kiss against the top of her head, taking in her sweet smell as he did so. 

“Truth be told we hardly knew each other. Fin appeared in my life like a knight in shining armour and then in another instant he was gone. It was my fault he died but I had forgave myself for that,” Aria shook her head, her words muffled against his chest. “No, not forgave. I will always carry that sin on my shoulders. But I accepted it at least.”

"You should write to them," Cullen said finally, causing Aria to pull away. She lifted her eyes to meet his again, and Cullen felt her hands lingering on his back.

"Even if you can't send it. But it could still help. Your chance to say goodbye, properly," Aria smiled, releasing her grip from him. Cullen wanted to pull her back, to hold her and never let go. His urge to protect her only grew with each encounter. But the two actions were paradoxical. To get closer to the Herald would not protect her, it would kill her. 

"That is not that bad an idea," she smiled up at him. 

"I was overdue," Cullen remarked, making Aria's eyes widen. Then she let out a laugh, a sound Cullen hadn’t heard for a long time and it warmed his heart to know that he was responsible for it.

"Careful, Commander. People might start to think you have a sense of humour,"   
  
+++

“Thanks Flissa,” Aria said as she paid the bartender for her drink. Flissa gave her an awkward giggle in response. She always did panic whenever the Herald was around, even after all these months it hadn’t calmed. Aria took her drink to the far corner of the tavern, ignoring the many eyes on her as she walked. She was alone- for now- although she knew it wouldn’t last long. Aria sipped her drink, revelling in the brown liquid burning her throat and warming her stomach. It was not long before she was waving to Flissa for another when she heard the sudden shouting.

“Boss!” Bull boomed across the tavern. He just about knocked over three men as he barged through the crowd. Before Aria could talk, she was lifted high with the air squeezed out of her lungs. She coughed profusely when she was finally placed back down-rather abruptly- into her chair. Well, a quiet drink didn’t last very long. Bull patted her against the back and waved to the bar for some more drinks.  It was soon when Flissa hurried over with a tray.

“Damn, I thought I’d never have a decent drinking partner again,”  
“And  _what_ do you mean by that?” Dorian appeared from behind, perching himself perfectly on a chair and holding his hands together by the fingertips.   
“It means you drink like a Vint, Vint,” Bull eyed Dorian as he spoke.   
“And  _you_  smell like you have rolled in ram dung,”  
“Hey, you say that like it’s a bad thing,” Bull teased whilst Dorian rolled his eyes.

“Do you two ever stop talking?” Aria interjected, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

“Well, we had to make up for it since you joined the Silent Sisters,” Dorian said, taking a sip of his drink. His upper lip turned at the taste but he still took another drink. Aria sighed, rubbing her hand against her chest where the letters sat. Two letters, one each for the people she cared for most. It  _had_ helped, what Cullen had told her. She was really quite surprised with herself when she walked into the tavern instead of to isolate herself in her bedroom instead after writing them by the frozen water’s edge.

“Yes, well…” Aria mused; she hadn’t thought how her separation would have affected others around her. She had only thought that she needed to get away. On several occasions, Aria had packed up to leave again, only her determination in closing the breach stopped her. Even if it would be the end of her. Aria knew when the Breach was destroyed, so would she. The connection between it and her mark was apparent, their survival  _and_ their destruction.

“It’s good to have you back, old girl,” Dorian gave a mocking bow towards her, which resulted in a swift kick under the table from Aria. It was good to have them back in her life, even if they did annoy her beyond compare.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Varric called from behind, “a party without me? I’m hurt, Princess.”

“Hey, I came here to drink alone, blame these guys,” Aria held her drink, gesturing her hands towards the two sitting opposite her.”

“And she  _talks_?” Varric teased, lifting his hands in shock. Matthews followed him, giving Aria a wide grin. “Here I thought the Seeker cut out your tongue?”

“Oh ha ha,” Aria said sarcastically, “Take a drink and shut your mouth,” she lifted her feet to rest her legs on the corner table and leaning back on her chair slightly.

“I can only follow one of those instructions unfortunately,” Varric said.

“It is good to have you back, Herald,” Matthews said, still smiling at her.

 +

It was late by the time tavern emptied, apart from Aria and her companions. Bull had concocted a variety of games which mainly involved in them all drinking. A lot. The only deal was, however much the others drank, Bull would drink twice as much. At least they had a shot then.

Her sides hurt from laughing after another of Bull’s sordid description of his night with a rather voluptuous red head.

“Speaking of all this decadence, I have a question for you, old girl,” Dorian hiccupped, pointing a wavy finger at Aria. “What  _is_ going on between you and that handsome young Templar.”

“Shut your hole,” Aria moaned, emptying her drink into her very full stomach.

“It’s just a little birdy told me you two once reviled each other, what happened?” Aria swung her leg under the table, hoping to make contacts with the Mage. The sudden cry from Bull proved her accuracy rather lacking. This time, she stood, or at least tried to before stumbling forwards.

“Don’t blame this on me!” the qunari yelled, “I didn’t tell anyone you two spent the night together.”

“WHAT!” Dorian, Matthews and Varric yelled in unison, their eyes widening as Aria slunk down in her chair.

“Sorry, Boss, but I  _did_  see Cullen leave your tent in quite a hurry.”

“It’s not what you think,” Aria mumbled, remembering not only that night but their night in Therinfal. The way he had pinned her against the wall, the way he had kissed her so fervently, she didn’t know he had it him.

“Oh do tell us all the naughty details!” Dorian beamed at her, making Aria blush even more.

“Nothing happened, he only slept in my tent because you had taken up so much room!”

“And whilst you were lying together you couldn’t help but cop a feel? I know I tried that on several occasions,”

“Oh, leave her alone Dorian,” Matthews slurred. “If she says nothing happened, let’s leave it at that.”

“Thank you, Matt,” Aria smiled, patting him on the shoulder. He placed a hand over hers for a moment, making Aria blush.

“Anyways, when you’re unable to stand is when it’s time for bed,” she stated, a bit too loudly. Picking up one last drink from the table, Aria lifted it into the air.

“To the Inquisition!” she shouted, the others repeating in unison. Aria downed the remainder of the drink and stumbled out of the tavern.

When she should have turned left towards the Chantry, Aria turned in the opposite direction. The cold air against her skin was unwelcomingly sobering as she continued her path out of Haven’s gates. The moon shone brightly down, illuminating the snow that crunched under her feet even in the middle of the night. She stopped when she reached the same point Cullen had spoken to her that day. Where he had given her the idea to say goodbye, properly. Even if she couldn’t say the words to Fin directly, at least she could say the words she wanted to, somehow.

She still felt numb when she thought of Therinfal’s events. It was as if she had seen a ghost that day, he may as well have been how short a time he was in her life again. For a moment she thought it was her chance at redemption, to apologise for the wrongs Fin had endured because of her. She almost thought there was a possibility of the life they had always wanted, that she and Fin had tried so hard to achieve. Aria knew deep down it would never have come to be. She wasn’t the girl Fin met, not by a long shot. It had been difficult to accept that, yet, the most difficult thing she had dealt with since the events was how little she felt about, well anything.

Her hands shaking, Aria pulled the letter from her breast pocket. It was crumpled, and the corners had ripped slightly, but it was the right one. Trembling, Aria held it to her lips and planted a soft kiss against the paper.

“Goodbye,” she whispered, holding her hands out. The energy began to pour into her hands as the flames appeared, burning away the goodbye to the man she once loved. Aria stood and watched as the ashes rose towards the stars. Somehow, she knew that he forgave her.

++++

“Herald?” Leliana uttered, rather taken aback at her appearance in the war room. Aria knew Leliana always used the room early in the morning to gather her thoughts for the day.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” Aria replied, closing the door without a sound behind her. Her heart raced as she walked towards the Spymaster. “I have a… personal matter that I need your help with,”

Aria pulled out the second letter from her pocket, smoothing it out with her fingers. Her thumb traced the name on the front of the letter.

_Caleghan._

She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but Aria struggled to form the words entirely. This was the life she had spent so long avoiding, that she would have done anything once to escape from. But it was time, she knew that. Likely, she would die tomorrow. At least she would leave this world an honest woman.

 “I need a letter sent to…sent to someone, Aria stuttered, her eyes were heavy and her head pounded as she sobered from the evening’s debaucheries. Leliana stiffened at her words, her eyes glancing towards the paper in the Herald’s hands. She could see the Spymaster was dying to know what was in that letter.

“We have crows, means of sending letters. So why do you bring this to me?” Leliana demanded, her Orlesian accent thicker than usual.

“This letter cannot fall into the wrong hands,”  
“And who is our dearest recipient?”

“My, ahh, brother,” Leliana’s eyes widened at the revelation. “His name is Caleghan,” Aria stammered, taking a deep breath “Caleghan Trevelyan.”

 

Aria could not falter Leliana’s proficiency. Within less than ten minutes, she had the letter in the hands of her people to go to the Free Marches and Josephine, Cassandra and Cullen gathered in the war room. Aria was surprised she agreed to have the letter sent, without question, before they had discussed anything at all. 

“Why didn’t you tell us!” Cassandra yelled, slamming her fist onto the table. All eyes were on Aria, she felt like a young child in trouble with her parents.

“I still do not quite understand,” Josephine said quite frantically, “you say you are Arianna Trevelyan, but you are… an elf?”

“Oh, you noticed?” Aria laughed, although it seemed the others were not in the mood for such jokes. “You have heard the rumour of my family, no? They used blood magic to hide their dirty little secret, dear Josephine. My family had perfected it over the years.”

“But even blood magic can’t alter the appearance in such a way, can it?”

“No. It can’t. At least that’s what the rest of the world believes. But it seems my ancestors found a way. It was a ritual everyone in my family went though, before they were even born actually. But I was… different. They never did figure out why. Likely me being a mage made things… difficult, although they never knew that was the reason. They still to this day don’t know I have the curse, apart from my brother of course,” Aria’s voice trailed off as her fingers traced over the map in front of her.

“And your husband, Markus?” Jospehine paused, but Aria knew what she was asking of her.

“I had planned to escape Nevarra. Markus found out. He attacked… again, but this time I was ready. It was no jilted lover who killed my husband and kidnapped me that night like my family would have the world believe. When the time came, I killed him,” Aria said matter-of-factly.

 “R…right. He was of the Melthanan family from Nevarra, yes?” Aria nodded, making Josephine let out a little squeal, “if you would all excuse me, I may have just what we need,” she hurried out of the room, dropping most of her papers as she fled. Leliana smiled, shaking her head as she picked up the mess the ambassador made.

“Thank you, for telling us, Herald. Even if it was a little late. I understand why Cullen protected you now,” Leliana nodded towards her before following her friend. Cassandra, on the other hand, was not quite as pleased. Her fierce look would have once made Aria panic. Yet the fear she had once held for many things in her life burned away with that letter, leaving a strength she had never felt before.

“I hope, for the Inquisition’s sake, there is a way to fix this,” Cassandra said, storming out of the room.

Aria let out a sigh, leaning her back against the table now she was alone, rubbing a hand across her face. She longed for her bed, although she knew there would be little time to rest today, with much needed to be attended to in preparation for tomorrow’s assault. So this was it. Solas had told her at length the connection between her mark and the Breach, giving Aria time to understand what was to come, and prepare herself for her death.

A shuffle behind her made her jump. Maker, Cullen was still here! He had not uttered a single word during their meeting, and had almost melted into the background. She was definitely wrong; he _would_ make a fantastic spy. She heard footsteps as he came to stand in front of her. He wore no armour, but a loose white shirt and dark brown breeches. He looked remarkably similar to Therinfal. Aria gulped as she remembered the touch of his skin she explored on his back. How he pushed her hard against the wall. She never knew the Commander could be so out of control with such desires. Her lips tingled as she remembered his against hers.

“Are you ok? I know this must have been hard for you to admit.”

“I am, actually. More than I thought I would,” Aria admitted, a weak smile on her face. The Commander nodded, turning on his heel to leave.

“I wanted to thank you,” she blurted out, making Cullen stop in his tracks, brow furrowing slightly when he turned back. “For our talk, yesterday. Before then, I was afraid. Of so many things. But that has gone, and I feel stronger now than I have ever thought I could,”

“Then Maker have mercy on us all,” Cullen smirked, the scar on his lip stretching slightly.

“Excuse me?” Aria replied, folding her arms with indignation.

“Aria, since the day I met you, you have shown yourself to be the strongest, most resolute- if not audaciously stubborn- woman I have ever met. You have been through horrific ordeals yet it has only made you stronger,” Cullen stepped forwards, his hands hovering over her shoulders. “I know I am to blame for some of the difficulties in your life, and I will never forgive myself for that. No, I need to say this.” Cullen raised a hand when Aria opened her mouth to talk, “I truly believed I was doing the right thing- sending you to the circle- I understand I was wrong now.”

Aria stood up, pushing herself away from the table with her eyes locked on to his. He stared at her with such hunger, Cullen’s eyes were filled with desire. The commander stepped forwards, his hands hovering over her and Aria flinched when she felt them rest on her arms, his grip soft but firm.

“Cullen,” she said again, barely a whisper this time. His chest now rested against her body as he narrowed the gap between them further, she could feel the warmth emanating from him. Aria gulped as Cullen’s face moved to only a few inches from her. She knew this was a mistake, not even a month ago they hated each other. Although she also knew Cullen was the person she trusted with her life more than anyone else. Whenever he was near, she couldn’t help but pass glances over to him, butterflies filling her stomach like an infatuated teen if he happened to be looking the same way. He always crept into her thoughts, no matter how much she tried to stop it. And after all, they were only days away from the assault on the Breach and Aria knew how that was going to end. Why couldn’t she fall into her desires before she died?

His scent filled her nose, a faint aroma of sweat and leather. Aria inhaled deeply as she licked her lips. She couldn’t wait any longer, the yearning building up inside until she was about to explode. Aria leaned forwards, resting her lips against his. It was softer this time, slower as her tongue met his. Her arms wrapped around his waist as he pulled her close, a single hand cupping her cheek.

Aria let out a moan as Cullen’s hand rested on her lower back, drawing her in closer. She placed a hand against the table and hoisted herself up so Cullen now stood between her open thighs. She couldn’t quite comprehend what was about to happen, and in the War room no less! The thought of that only made her adrenaline spike even more as she hungrily kissed Cullen deeper.

His fingers brushed against Aria’s neck as the intensity of their kiss heightened. She wanted to explore every part of him, her hands frantically searched to find an entrance under his shirt. The skin on his back was warmer than she expected and slightly damp. One of his hands travelled back down, resting against her lower back once more and pulling her against his hips, which began to rock into her. Aria let out another moan as she felt the hardness of Cullen push against her.

It was becoming too much, she wanted, no she needed every part of him. She didn’t care where they were, or who might hear. Her tongue explored his mouth, frantically stroking his. She adored his taste, Aria never wanted to stop tasting the former Templar. Her hands stroked his muscular stomach, causing him to grin under their kiss. She felt drunk under his touch and she purred in delight for more. He barely needed to touch her at all to send her body rippling in carnal pleasure.

But then it all stopped. Cullen suddenly stepped back, his eyes widening in horror at the sight of the flustered Herald straddling him. He rubbed a hand anxiously through his hair, muttering inaudible hysterias.

“Cullen?” Aria questioned, reaching a hand out to him. He flinched back, perturbed at the possibility of a touch between them.

“Maker,” he whispered, “what have I done?” He glanced back up at Aria, taking another step back. “Forgive me,” he said as he ran out the room, leaving Aria once again confused and alone.


	11. The Breach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aria has prepared for her death when she meets with the Breach for a final time. Cullen's withdrawal is getting worse as he struggles to distinguish between dreams and reality. He makes a decision to stop it all.

“I was hoping you’d stop by,” Cullen said as he sat on his bed smiling at the sight of the Herald entering his room. Her curls cascaded down to her chest and her eyes glistened brighter than ever. She was wearing one of Cullen’s shirts again, which was far too big for her, and just reached the top of her thighs. She looked beautiful, Cullen thought, and she was his.

“How could I resist?” Aria purred as she walked towards him. Her arms wrapped loosely around his neck as she sat on his lap. Aria smiled at him and Cullen’s heart seemed to stop for a moment. His hands rested on the small of her back as she planted a soft kiss. The taste of her on his lips made every part of him tingle and- when she tried to pull away- it was too much. Cullen pulled her back, twisting them both around so she lay on the bed with him on top.

“No waiting around tonight, Commander?” Aria teased under his lips and they both laughed.

“How can I stop myself, when you walk in looking like that?” he growled. His kiss was much harder than hers as the desire inside him intensified further. He lifted the shirt over her head, revealing her naked body. Maker, she was beautiful. Cullen drank in the image before him, he wanted to remember it forever.

“Your turn,” she smiled, and Cullen obeyed, ripping his shirt off hurriedly. As their lips locked together again, Cullen cupped one of her breasts, his fingers fondling her hard nipple. She let out a groan against his lips, making him squeeze even harder. Her nails dug into her back, down to his waist.

“I want you,” she whispered in his ear, the warmth of her breath sending a shiver through his body. He needed her; there was no way to stop this. Cullen didn’t wait any longer, he couldn’t. With one hand –whilst the other continued to explore her body- he quickly unfastened his trousers which loosely dropped down to his knees. Holding his breath, he guided himself slowly to begin with, feeling the welcoming warmth between her legs. Aria let out a moan when he touched her, arching her hips higher into the air. That movement was all Cullen needed, he pushed himself inside her and almost cried out in desire as he did. Aria clenched her eyes shut, as he thrust slowly inside her, they were both already so close he daren’t go any faster. She felt perfect around him, the feeling was intoxicating and Cullen never wanted it to end.

“Faster,” she moaned and Cullen obeyed. He wanted to please her, to do anything so that she could feel the way he did even if was already so close.

“Oh Maker, this is,” Cullen groaned, losing his words in a pit of ecstasy. Perfect, that was the word he was looking for.

_Perfect? What makes you think you deserve such happiness?_

Aria started to laugh. It was quiet at first, but it grew louder until her whole body bounced.

“Aria?” Cullen said, perplexed. He had stopped, and now hovered over her, confused. The feeling of ecstasy had vanished and worry began to fill him. She ignored him but continued to laugh. It became hysterical, almost insane in a deafeningly frightening tone.

Then she fell silent. Cullen stood back from the bed, rubbing his hand over his face. This can’t be. She lifted her head to look at him and his heart stopped once more.

“No, not again,” he whispered, staring into the Herald’s eyes. Where the perfect pools of emerald should be, Cullen instead gazed into what could only be described as two pits of fire. They burned red with such ferocity.

“Yes!” Aria screeched, but her voice had changed also to a deep, horrific tone which seemed to echo. Cullen stepped back further, stumbling as he did.

“Leave me,” he ordered, shaking his head in disbelief but she did not listen. Aria stood, her head limp as if her neck was broken. She began to laugh again, as her beautiful skin burned away, revealing the hideous creature which resided underneath. A desire demon.

“You are mine, Templar,” the demon said, smirking as it reached a hand towards him.

“No!” Cullen screamed and charge towards it. He pinned the creature down onto the bed and wrapped his hands around its throat. “You will not have me!” he screamed again, shutting his eyes tightly as he felt the creature’s body struggle and writhe underneath him.

Then, it stopped. The demon fell limp underneath him and he opened his eyes. He fell back from the bed, his eyes widening at the sight which lay before him. It was not the demon who he had killed before him, but the lifeless body of the Herald, her emerald eyes devoid of life.

 

Cullen awoke, covered in sweat and sobbing. He had fallen to his wants with Aria a second time, and his mind was torturing himself because of it. It was not a nightmare though, Cullen had realised. It was a premonition of what was to come if he continued to fall to such weaknesses. The voice in his mind spoke the truth, he was going to be the death of her. There was only one thing to do: he must avoid the Herald at all costs.

+++

“It seems bigger,” Aria said blankly to herself as they stared up at the Breach. She watched in fascination as it morphed and hovered above them. 

“Are you ok?” Matthews asked, placing a friendly hand on her shoulder. Aria raised her hand, inspecting her mark. It seemed brighter than usual, almost pulsing with the Breach.

“I’m just relieved we made it this far,” she admitted. Although she knew she would not see through the rest of the Inquisition, at least she will have done as much as she could before her death. Closing the Breach should give them the strength they need to defeat this Elder One. Hopefully she has done enough for them.

“ _You_ are the person who has got us here,” Matthews said, brushing his fiery hair from his face. “Without you, the Inquisition would be powerless against this enemy.”

“This was not just my doing,” Aria argued, but Matthews only laughed.

“Where do you think they would be without you?”

“Herald!” Cassandra called from behind, “the Templars are ready. Matthews, Cullen and I will be on the front line with you,” Aria nodded. This is it.

She took a deep breath and stepped forwards. It was loud, almost deafening underneath it. Aria could hear shouting around her but all she could focus on was the mass of energy which loomed over her. It stretched and screamed, writhing in the air as if it were trying to escape an invisible prison. Her hands were shaking and her breathing sped up as the realisation set in. Aria closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. She was ready for this, she had prepared herself for the inevitability of what was to come. The world says Andraste gifted her with this mark. If that were true, she made this path for Aria, which ends today.

Aria lifted her hand, creating the bond which she knew all too well. The power surged through her, burning her veins. She screamed as it continued, her legs buckled with the pain and she almost fell to her knees. The bond continued however, and the energy coursed through her, feeling like it was ripping her apart from the inside.

Everything suddenly silenced, the pain stopped, then it happened. The Breach imploded, releasing a mass of energy which crashed into Aria, sending her hurtling onto her back. Her head smashed against the cold stone underneath her and she cried out in pain.

There was more shouting, but Aria didn’t know what was going on. She tried to move but the pain in her head was excruciating as if it were about to crack in two. She clumsily lifted a hand to inspect the damage where she was greeted with the warm, sticky liquid which poured from her. Aria opened her eyes to see bodies standing over her. Her vision was blurred- and she was dipping in and out of consciousness- but she could make them out.

“Herald!”

“Are you hurt?”

“Can you move?”

“We need a healer!” her friends shouted over her. Even though she hurt, Aria started laughing. In some sick twist of fate, she was alive.

 


	12. Celebrations turned sour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having returned from the Temple of Ashes alive, Aria feels like she has been given a second chance at life. She revels in their victory with her friends when a stranger arrives with a message for her.

"So, how does it feel?" Varric asked, smiling up at Aria.

"It still hurts," She replied, rubbing the back of her head, "but I'll be fine."

"Not that," Varric sighed as he shook his head. "How does it feel, knowing you just saved the world?"

"I wouldn't go that far. I only closed the Breach." Even though the words came from her lips, she still couldn't quite believe it. Even more phenomenal was that she was alive to tell the tale. Having accepted the inevitability of her death today, it was almost like she had been given a second chance at life. One that Aria was not going to waste.

" _Only_  closed the Breach? Fuck, you hit your head worse than we thought. Shall we prepare your funeral now?" Matthews teased. The three stood in the bustling streets of Haven, staring at the remains of the horror in the sky. There was a scar, green light still floated where it once shone but there was no doubting what they had done today. It was gone. Aria felt her stomach flutter at the thought.

"Shut it you," she said, giving the Lieutenant a swift shove in the arm. He was far too cocky for his own good. Much too like Caleghan. It wouldn’t be long until he received his letter she realised. Aria couldn’t help but wonder how he would react. If he hated her for it, she wouldn’t blame him. He had gone above and beyond to help her that night then she just disappeared. At least now she may one day have the chance to explain herself in person, even if he may never forgive her for it.

“Apologies,  _My Lady_ ,” another shove, harder this time. He had brought it upon himself to call her this since the revelation of her family. Josephine had begun the preparations to make this public knowledge over the coming weeks but the realisation of it had not panicked Aria as much as she thought. Well, to be fair Aria hadn’t expected to be around to see it happening. Josephine had spoken of her deceased husband’s family and their public shaming and incarceration when they were discovered using Blood magic. It goes figures, considering how happy they were to use it against Aria. That would make things much easier when the world find out she is alive, at least. She almost cried when Josephine shared that with her, to know they were paying for their crime was truly just.

"We won't mind if you want to brag about this one, Princess. If I were you, I'd be shouting it from the Chantry roof by now, telling the world how amazing I am." Varric lifted his arms as if he was actually up there and the three of them laughed.

"Well that is the difference between us, Varric. I prefer my head to fit through doorways," As the streets began to fill with celebrations, many came up to Aria. Some shook her hand, some cheered when they neared and some even bowed. But they all thanked her. There was a cacophony of singing and dancing now as the people of the Inquisition embraced their loved ones, revelling in their achievements and likely their survival. It was a beautiful sight to behold, one that Aria felt blessed to see.

"Commander!" Matthews yelled and Aria's head turned so fast she was surprised it didn't rip off entirely. "Come and join us, we have made history today!" Cullen looked rather taken aback, stopping in his tracks as he walked through the streets. He too still donned his armour, few had had a chance to change or really stop since their return from the Templars of Ashes. When his eyes scanned the group, they froze on Aria. She gave him a smile bit it was not returned. He almost looked disgusted as he backed away from the sight of her.

"No...Thank you," he murmured before scurrying away. Aria jumped forwards, grabbing him by the arm before he could race down the steps.

"Cullen, wait. You've earned this, we all have," she said softly. Cullen kept his head low and - when he yanked his arm away from her touch -she stepped back in shock.

"Leave me," he hissed at her, leaving her standing with her mouth ajar.

"Who's shoved a stick up his arse?" Matthews quizzed, raising a brow at Aria.

"I don't know, but next time they need not bother, I need it to beat him round the head with," Aria said. She couldn't understand what had happened. After Therinfal, she had put down their actions as a one off, being lost in the moment after their near death which was why they had not discussed it. Yet, it wasn't. He had come to her in the war room and they shared another kiss. Part of her wanted to shake him until he explained what he was thinking and why he was avoiding her so much. In fact, Aria was sure he had stayed as far from her as possible. Well, if he was going to act like a child, then so will she. It will only add another reason to despising that Templar.

“That man needs to relax, how about we give him a whiskey? Do you think he’ll buy it if I tell him its apple juice?” Varric said as the three of them watched the Commander hastily walk away.

“Doubt it,” Aria grumbled, “Besides, I’ve seen him with a few drinks in him and he’s still an uptight arsehole.”

“Wait, you’ve seen Curly drunk? With your own eyes? Not in some strange Magey Fade dream?”

“Magey… what? And no, well yes but-,” Aria broke off, realising what she had just said. Matthews and Varric both watched her like fascinated children waiting for the next part of their bedtime story. “Just forget it.”

“You are joking? You aren’t leaving here until we get details,  _My Lady_ ,” Matthews grinned. He pushed his fiery curls away from his forehead, smiling profusely at Aria. Sighing, she realised what she had just gotten herself into.

“At Therinfal, we had a few drinks,” Aria said quietly and much too fast in the hope that they didn’t hear a word.

“Aaaand?” Matthews stretched forwards, raising a hand to Aria to continue.

“And…. Nothing,” she said, feeling her cheeks flush slightly.

“You’re hiding something, Princess. You and your brother are both terrible liars,”

“I’m not hiding-,” A sudden flash behind them made Aria stop in her tracks.

“Darkness, hatred, death, it’s all he knows,” Aria jumped at the voice, her hands rested on a blade as she spun around. Standing in the street was a young man whose pale white skin looked almost ghostly. She couldn’t see his face, it was shadowed by a most peculiar hat. There was strangeness to his voice, although oddly familiar and Aria couldn’t figure out why. Matthews stepped forwards, suspicious also of the sudden appearance of their new guest.

“And you are?” he said slowly, his fingers brushing against his sword as well.

“He’s angry at you. He wanted you but you got away. Then you took his Templars, he needed them.”

“Wait, I  _do_  know you,” Aria said, her brow furrowing as she tried desperately to remember. Therinfal, the envy demon, he was there.

“I know you have some strange friends, Love- myself included in that- but this is something else,” Matthews muttered, his eyes fixed on their new guest.

“Your name is Cole, you helped me break away from Envy, didn’t you?” she asked as the memories came flooding back. How had she forgotten about him? She had played that day through her mind a thousand times, yet only now could she remember all the boy did for her. Without him, she would likely have been possessed by that demon and its horrific plan would have begun.

“You remember me?” Cole looked up, his eyes widening at her. He watched her a moment, his head tilting to the side slightly before he spoke his ghostly tone again. “You don’t have much time. He wants to hurt you. He doesn’t care about the village, he only wants you,”

“Who is coming?”

“They call him the Elder One.”

Then, another sound came. It was quiet at first – although still enough to stop Aria in her tracks- until the streets began to silence as they tried to listen too. For a moment, she thought it was more music. When the celebration had turned to panic, it sunk in. It was warning bells. They were under attack.

 


	13. In your heart shall burn

"Get to the Chantry!" Aria yelled, cutting down another mage. His scream as her sword slashed across his stomach sent a shiver down Aria's spine. She had lost count how many she had killed since their attack on Haven. Not an hour ago she was celebrating their victory, now she was battling to make their defeat not too great a tragedy. 

"Bless you, Herald," Flissa said as she lifted herself from the ground. The terrified girl did not need to be told twice- she grabbed her skirts and hurried towards the Chantry. Aria and Cassandra only made it just in time to save the poor girl. One more saved, although that didn’t make up for the number lost.

"We need to keep moving, Herald," Cassandra said, her eyes scanning the skies. The warrior was covered head to toe in blood, an image Aria most likely resembled. The archdemon was nowhere to be seen, but the blood curdling screech was enough to know it was not far. For a moment, the battle was theirs when the avalanche took out most of their force. Then that thing appeared, ripping and burning through the town. She hoped beyond hope the others had made it to safety, and Aria couldn’t help but scan the fallen for her friends. However, it was little solace to know they still survived when so many others had not.

Aria nodded and they headed closer to their sanctuary. Cullen had ordered a retreat when the archdemon appeared, but Aria couldn't fathom what his next action would be. They were trapped, like a mouse with the cat watching and waiting for them. When others had followed the order, Aria had stayed within the streets in search of survivors, where she found Cassandra. There were so many dead, but at least she had stopped that number from rising even further. After all, this was all her fault. This Elder One had come for her.

Another scream, another innocent crying for help stopped the pair in their tracks for a moment, before they sprinted to find the cause. Around the corner, so close to the Chantry doors, a young woman lay on the floor with an arrow protruding through her neck. _She was so close._  The Chantry doors were in reach for her but she was cut down. Just like the others. And for what reason? Because she just happened to be in Haven. Aria fought back tears as her eyes bore into another victim. Another death on Aria's hands.

"Screaming, crying. There was so much fear, then it all went away, I didn’t like the man who took her away, she was kind," Aria spun around to find the strange boy standing over an archer, the one who had killed the young girl. 

"Cole? What are you doing out here? Get to safety!" Aria barked, surprised to find him here amongst the terror.

"We needed you, he's been waiting to tell you something."

"Herald," a rasped voice came from behind Cole. Aria stepped forwards, her sword still in hand- she had lost the other not long after the Elder One and his army attacked- to find the owner of the voice.

"Herald, we need to go," Cassandra said again, her body turning back and forth in search for another foe.

"Chancellor Roderick?"  Aria eyed the Chancellor on the floor, holding his stomach as blood seeped out.

"He will not survive," Cole said, "but he knows a way the others can."

"What are you talking about?" Aria panted. She rubbed the sweat from her brow on the back of her arm. 

"There's a path, Herald, through the mountains, Andraste showed it to me when I took the summer pilgrimage, the Inquisition can survive. It needs to, I understand that now," Aria stood, mouth agape for a moment at the words she had heard. This was the man who had persecuted her, and now he was praising her and the Inquisition?

"It will make little difference where we go, that  _thing_  will follow us," Cassandra said as she walked back over. Aria hadn’t even noticed the warrior run off to take care of three Mages, which now lay dead just a few feet away, she was so engrossed in what she was hearing. 

"He doesn't care about the others but he will kill them to get to you," Cole said as he pulled Chancellor Roderick to his feet. Aria inhaled deeply, musing over his words. That was it. He only wanted  _her._ So only she could do what was needed.

"Cassandra, take Cole and the Chancellor to the Chantry. Inform Cullen of this mountain path and get everyone the fuck out of here."

"And what of the dragon? Or have you forgotten about that already?"

"It's only after me, so as long as I'm here, it will stay. When you're above the tree line, send a signal. I'll take care of the rest,"

It seems Aria was right after all, she may have got the timing wrong, but she knew today was the day she would die. At least nobody else would die because of her. Cassandra looked at Aria in shock, before nodding in reverence.

"What will I tell the others?"

"Tell them…” Aria paused, thinking of how her friends would react to her staying behind. Hopefully, they would understand. “Tell them I know what I’m doing.” 

"It seems I was wrong about you, Herald. May the Maker guide your path,” Cassandra paused and shook Aria's hand, “If we are to survive, let that thing hear you.”

“You know me Seeker, anything for a show,” Aria winked. She watched the Seeker and Cole supported the diminishing Chancellor to the Chantry. The inquisition may fall tonight along with Aria, but she was going to make as much fucking noise as possible. As the archdemon flew over them once more, screeching its blood curdling scream, Aria turned and headed towards the trebuchet.

+++

“What do you mean she stayed behind!” Cullen screamed. His hands were clenched by his side as his entire body stiffened. He had led the Inquisition from Haven, following a path the Chancellor had told them of before he died. Cullen didn’t truly understand Roderick when he arrived, he had blethered when he entered the Chantry, carried by a ghostly boy Cullen had never met before with a tone in his voice which unnerved him. He and Cassandra seemed to speak cryptically when they arrived, hurrying Cullen along to guide the survivors through this path. Now that they were far enough to pause and take a breath, Cullen finally had the chance to question Cassandra, although this was not the answer he was expecting.

“She knows what she is doing,” she said, absentmindedly. It had been a long night, one which Cullen had witnessed many of his recruits fall to the Elder One and his army. Even after all these years, it was difficult to see such atrocities. These men had given their lives to the Inquisition, whilst he still lived. How was that fair?

“You let her stay behind whilst that  _thing_ is out there! You may as well have plunged your own sword in her chest.” His entire body shook with rage, enough to make his stomach wretch. Had he caused this? He had tried so hard to try to gain an alliance with the Templars, had he ignored Haven’s defences? He had always known they were not strong, so should he have done more? Now the Herald was fighting against an archdemon on her own whilst he ran away like a coward.

“I didn’t let her do anything. She made this decision, one that has saved the inquisition!” A sudden crash stopped the warriors in their path and Cullen turned back to watch the sight before him. The trebuchet had been slung and he watched as Haven was buried under another avalanche.

“Maker,” he whispered under his breath. The Herald, she had stayed behind to save the others, burying herself with the enemy. The woman had a tenacity Cullen couldn’t deny, but he never expected her to sacrifice herself so selflessly. Yet she had, without a second thought.

“She did this for us, Cullen, remember that,” Cassandra said quietly beside him, but it did not calm him.

“We could have found another way!” he roared, storming away from the Seeker. The rest of the Inquisition had stopped, watching him but he didn’t care. His hands shaking, he knew what he needed to do.

“She knows what she’s doing, Cullen. That girl is far too stubborn to die anyways,” Matthews appeared by her side. His tone was calm, yet Cullen found no comfort in his words.

“If you truly believe that then you are more of a fool than I thought.” Cullen hissed, stepping away from the Lieutenant.

“Lead them away from here, if I don’t return in three days, assume I’m lost also,” Cullen turned before Cassandra had a chance to argue and stormed past the onlookers.

_I will find her. Maker, I will._

 

 


	14. Though the darkness comes before me

“Help,”  _Cold, so cold._ The ice had buried under her skin and deep into her bones. It felt like burning through her body. Only…cold. It was too painful to keep eyes open any more, only a blur of colour, screaming and death were her memories. Was this death? She couldn’t tell if she was conscious any more, why would she be? There was no more strength left inside, only pain and cold.  _Maker, why was it so cold?_

“Help,” Aria tried to call again. Wait, did those words leave her lips? She couldn’t think straight anymore. There was no way to tell where she was anyways, there was only snow and storms surrounding her. She had dragged herself as far as she could, but there was so much pain. Her right side crushed from the fall. Wait, what fall? Did she fall? Again, only blurs of a memory, slower and slower with each play through.

It felt lighter now, had the sun rose? With everything going dark again and again as she slipped in and out of consciousness, there was no way to tell how long she had been there. Time had no meaning anymore. It flowed on around her, leaving her frozen in the snow, lost to the ages.

Aria had prepared for her death today. She had made amends, planned as much as possible for the Inquisition’s future and had reached out to her family. She did not fear it when she assaulted the Breach nor when fighting off the Venatori attacking Haven. Now though, when she lay face down in the snow, she was afraid. Afraid of when the darkness would engulf her. Afraid of leaving those she loved behind to fight against this false god who had begun this terrible war. He called her a Pretender, and how right was he. At least she had tried to fix things before everything around her was gone.

After all of this, Aria decided she didn’t want to die today, although now it was too late. On the wind, a voice sang to her ears. She was sure it had called her name, like an echo of a memory. Deciding it to be the beginning of her hallucinations as the fever took hold, Aria tried to close her senses to that around her.

_Why was this taking so long?_

She didn’t want to be cold anymore. Then she heard it again. Maybe she was supposed to hear it? She had heard tales of people who nearly died hearing the Maker talk to them, leading them through the shadows of death and into the light. Is that was what was happening to her?

  
A third call, louder this time. It must be! Aria muttered apologies for having ever doubted the Maker, pleading for him to take her now. She would gladly follow him anywhere if it led away from this hurt.

"Aria!" he was near now. There was the sound of crunching snow around her now, perhaps this was Him? Aria tried to open her eyes, but they felt stuck shut.  

"Oh Maker, you’re alive. Thank Andraste you're alive." the voice stuttered. It was lying though, she wasn't alive. She couldn't be. The Maker was taking her into death. 

"No," she mumbled, her head slipping in and out of consciousness once more. Each time everything darkened, this voice seemed to pull her back. 

"No, you are not dying on me now, not now," Aria felt something heavy wrapped around her and she was lifted off of the ground. Something warm was pressed against her body and there was a warm touch against her cheeks. At least death was warmer, she was so cold. Her body ached from it. She didn't want to feel cold ever again.

"Just keep talking, please. Tell me your name." They were moving now. The Maker was saying some strange things, although they do say He works in mysterious ways. When Aria didn't answer, she felt her whole body shake and the agony tearing up her body made her gasp out.

"Talk to me! Tell your name dammit!" 

"Arianna...Celine...Trevelyan," Aria rasped. She just wanted to go now, no more talking. Maybe this was a test, to show Him who she really was. She had lost her faith so many years ago so maybe this was punishment for her sins. There were many which hung over her shoulders, this was her chance at penance for them. 

"Good, good. Now tell me about your siblings, their names, anything," Aria hummed in response and was shaken again. Her body burned as she was carried but the shake awoke a flame inside her which felt like it was ripping her apart and she cried out again.

"Tell. Me." 

"Caleghan... Jaime... Ella…Sven," Aria stuttered. She could feel herself growing weaker with each breath. The struggle to keep her mind focused to answer the Maker’s questions was becoming overwhelmingly difficult. If this was what she had to do to show Him she was faithful, then she was going to fail.

“Tell me about Caleghan, tell me about your brother,” there was that voice again, but it seemed more distant now. He was leaving her; she couldn’t keep up with the Maker anymore.

_Can’t…. I can’t anymore. I’m sorry._

“Aria, don’t give up, keep talking! Please, please stay alive,”

_Alive? I’m not alive. This is death, why else would you be leading me?_

“Commander!” Another voice came, distant, but Aria could hear them, just.  “He’s found her! Get a healer, quick!”

_No… It’s too late. I’m already dead._

“We are almost there, Aria, just stay with me. Open your eyes, show me you’re still here,  _please,”_ they sounded sad now.

_I can’t…. I can’t_

“Aria, we are so close, stay with me!”

_Sorry, I’ve failed you too._

“Maker damn you! Open your eyes!”

_Fine…_

Aria cracked her eyes open, all her strength going into this final action. They were sealed shut with blood and the cold wind stung against them.

“Oh, Maker, thank you,” that voice said again as she felt something tighten around her broken corpse. Aria tried to make out the image of the figure which held her, but it was only a blur. But that wasn’t the Maker. Even as a blur, she knew that. Then it was too much, her eyelids seemed to have a monumental force pulling them shut and the blurred figure disappeared once more.

“No! Not know, Aria please. Just stay with me. Aria!”

The darkness took her once more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, your thoughts are appreciated :)


	15. Let mine be the last sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the attack on Haven has brought a heavy weight on all of the Inquisition.

“Well?” Cullen said, standing so fast from the ground he almost tumbled over. His cheeks reddened as the others stared at him in amusement. They had stood outside the tent throughout much of the night since Cullen returned to the camp with the near-dead Herald limp in his arms. He still remembered how truly broken she felt. Her body was swollen and bloodied and she muttered hysterias of the Maker under her breath. It made his stomach drop when he spoke to her and there was no response. He shouted at her and shook her until she replied, so he could see any signs she still lived. It made him shudder to think about it.

Solas didn’t reply at first but shook his head: the usually emotionally void elf was an open book this evening.

“If she survives the night, we will have a clearer picture of what is to come,” he said finally, making Cullen’s heart hurt. _No, after all this, she can’t die now._

“But there must be something else we can do,” Cullen pleaded, lifting his hands in desperation. This was Aria, the Herald of Andraste for Maker’s sake. She was the strongest person the Commander had ever met. She had survived blood magic, abandonment, torture within the circle, things which should have broken her but only turned her into the resilient woman she was today. This can’t be the end, not now.

“Her wounds are severe, Commander. It is a miracle she is still alive at all. We have done all we can-,”

“Obviously not, or the Herald would live,” Cullen repudiated, his tone laced with disgust. How can he say, after all of this, that she might die?

“Cullen,” Leliana said, resting a hand on his shoulder. “They have done their best, more than we could have ever hoped for.” Cullen sighed, pacing back and forth. There must be something else, _anything._ How could he accept this?

“Thank you, Solas, I hope we can find some way to repay you for your efforts,” Josephine said calmly, lowering her head to the elf. He smiled, mimicking her.

“Thank you, Lady Montilyet but no payment is necessary, I am only happy to help. Adan and I have many others who need our aid although the Herald cannot be left alone. If someone could stay with her-,”

“I will do it,” Cullen said far too quickly.

“Commander, that is noble of you but we will need your voice in our efforts to organise the Inquisition’s next steps. That simply cannot wait,” Josephine said and Cullen turned to her for the first time. Her normal pristine appearance was replaced with unkempt hair and rips in her dress. There was dirt smeared on her skin and black circles surrounded her eyes. This had been hard on her, as well as everyone in the Inquisition.

“I have reports to read through, I can use my time wisely whilst staying with her,” Cullen tried to sound professional, but a tinge of emotion still made its way into his voice.

“Josy, I don’t think the Commander will be of much use to us when his mind is on… other things. I am sure whatever we discuss we can converse with Cullen at another time,” Leliana smiled sweetly at Cullen, making him blush even more. Maker, she knew. It was no surprise, he acted like a giddy child when she was near. He stuttered, he blushed and his entire demeanour transformed into a bubbling mess when she was around.

“Then it’s settled, thank you Commander. I must take my leave,” Solas nodded, turning back into the camp, if that’s what they could call it. The path through the mountains had saved much of the Inquisition, especially after the enemy could not follow because of the avalanche. Still though, it merely felt like a remnant of what they had become. They had managed to salvage some supplies in their escape but not nearly enough to support so many people. They would need to move, and soon.

“I should…” Cullen mumbled - his eyes locked onto the tent which Aria lay.

Cassandra stepped forwards to stand next to him. “Go, if there are _any_ changes, you must inform us immediately. I will bring you your reports,” Cullen nodded, leaving the others to discuss their fate.

As he entered the tent, Cullen froze at the sight before him. A dull lamp sat beside her makeshift bed on the floor, reflecting her broken body to Cullen. When he had found Aria, he had seen first-hand of her injuries. Now though, it all seemed much worse. Her armour had been removed; instead her skin was covered in bandages. Most seem to flock around her abdomen, where a deep gash had sliced through her. Her right arm was in a sling wrapped tight against her chest but Cullen could make out just how swollen it was. Solas seemed to think she had fallen, landing on her right side almost crushing her based on the congregation of her injuries. He had managed to fuse many of her bones back together, although magic would only save so much. Now it was a waiting game, only the Maker can save her now.

Silently, Cullen stepped across the tent to sit beside her. Even though she was unconscious – with no sign of wakening any time soon - he made every attempt to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake her. Droplets of sweat massed on her forehead, dripping down to her temples. The fever Adan had warned of. He had given her a potion to try and avert it although it seemed relentless. Taking a cloth from the bucket of water beside him, Cullen rang it so it was only damp and proceeded to dab her brow. He flinched when Aria frowned and shook her head side to side for a moment. Then, she stilled once more and Cullen continued.

“There,” he said when he had finished, placing the cloth back into the icy water.

“Maker,” a voice rasped behind him. Cassandra appeared with the papers she had promised, her feet as frozen to the ground as Cullen’s were. “I was not expecting her wounds to be so…substantial.” She walked forwards, kneeling down beside Cullen at the bottom of the cot.

“Do you think she will survive the night?” Cassandra said, her gaze bearing into the Herald. He had never seen the Seeker seem so, vulnerable. She looked terrified. Cullen had watched her build the Inquisition up from nothing, her strength and determination second to none. As much as she had quarrelled with the Herald, Cullen knew Cassandra believed her to be invaluable. Who else can close rifts, preventing the scourge of demons which was plaguing Thedas? Cassandra knew that more than anyone else Aria was their only hope.

“Yes,” Cullen said finally, his hand reaching for Aria’s. As he held her, Cullen felt her fingers grip weakly against his, making him smile. When he saw the Seeker’s gaze flicker down, he quickly withdrew and rubbed the knot on the back of his neck maladroitly instead. Feeling his cheeks flush once more, he continued. “She has to,” he said tenderly.

“Yes,” Cassandra agreed. She stared at the Herald, as if willing her to awaken. Eventually, she stood once more, her hand patting against Cullen’s shoulder as she made to leave.

 

This was the longest night Cullen had ever endured. Each time his exhaustion tried to take hold, he willed himself to stay awake. He couldn’t fail now, if he slept and something was to happen, Cullen couldn’t bare thinking about it. No, Cullen would not rest until he knew Aria was awake and well.

Leaning forward, Cullen pressed his elbows into the ground, his hands locking together as he began his prayer.

 _Let the blade pass through the flesh._  
_Let my blood touch the ground._  
 _Let my cries touch their hearts._  
 _Let mine be the last sacrifice._  
 _But please, Maker, just let her live._

The Maker was renowned for not answering his prayers, even in the midst of darkness. Hopefully, this time he would listen.

 


	16. Broken hearts and broken minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Aria's relationship begins to break apart as they comprehend what they endured at Haven.

_We must pray to the Maker the Herald survives. She is our only hope._  
  
The words cut through Cullen. Every report seemed to say the same thing. The camp -if that was what he could call it- was laced with melancholy which seemed to worsen every hour the Herald slept. It had been nearly two days since the attack on Haven, where Cullen had fought through Mages and Venatori to find the Herald broken and bloodied, half dead and lying in the snow.  
When he first saw her, he feared the worst. From the state he had found her in, there should have been no way she still lived. A thick trail of blood showed where she had dragged herself from, and her arm was bent in such a way it made Cullen shudder. Then she muttered hysterias of the Maker and it was like he himself had returned Aria to them. He felt bad for hurting her as he carried her back, but each time she fell silent, his stomach would drop and all he could think of to do was to shout at her and shake her until there was some sort of response. Even if it was her crying in pain, it was a sign she still lived.

Neither Adan or Solas believed she would survive the night, and now doubt that she will wake at all. Although the fever had passed, the colour was still devoid from her face and her breathing was still weak. She felt warmer now at least, surely that must be a positive sign. Cullen thought he had seen the extent of her injuries first hand when finding her face down in the cold. This, now, was something else entirely. Her usual black leathers had been replaced with bandages, and a lot of them. The largest wrapped around her stomach, where Solas found three deep slashes across her abdomen. The cause of such a trail of blood. A shirt had been placed on top to cover her modesty but Cullen could still make them out. Her right arm was bandaged tight against her chest. The elven mage hypothesised she had fallen from a large height, landing on her side. Along with her broken arm were several ribs and an ankle. Solas had fused the bones back together, but even with magic there was only so much he could do. Now it was a waiting game.

"Commander," Matthews appeared at the tent entrance, clad in his usual shining armour bearing the emblem of the King. Still wearing the wounds of Haven's attack, the Lieutenant's face was black and blue, congregating around his left eye which was severely swollen. Still though, the young soldier made not a single complaint, and had refused the aid from healers to give their time to more pressing patients. Cullen couldn't help but respect him for that. Even if he was still young enough to hold the naiveties of this world. He will learn soon enough.

"Lieutenant," Cullen replied, pretending to read through the reports once more. Matthews sat down opposite Cullen, with his stare locked upon the Herald.

"How is she?" Cullen sighed at the question. What was he supposed to say? That he too shared the doubt that she would ever wake? And that he truly believed the Inquisition would surely fail without her?

"The fever had passed," he said eventually, watching as her head twitched and shook for a moment.

"Thank the Maker,” Matthews said, still staring at her as he spoke to Cullen.

"Indeed." For a moment, Cullen's eyes flickered up to watch the red haired soldier. The way he looked at the elf with such wanting, made Cullen feel... Uncomfortable. Why would he look at her like that? Suddenly realising the feel of jealousy build up, Cullen quickly averted his gaze back to the reports in his hands in a useless attempt to show indifference. However Matthews felt about the Herald, it was no concern for Cullen. He is a better man than most, one who would give her a life she deserves. A life Cullen could not.

"I am here to relieve you," Matthews said, reluctantly pulling his gaze towards Cullen. The Commander felt his cheeks blush as the Lieutenant eyed him up and down, clearly analysing Cullen's unkempt appearance.

"I don't need relieved," he said hastily, trying with desperation to keep his eyes fixed to the reports although he had read them already multiple times, and Andraste, he was tired. The more he thought of it, the harder it was to try and hide it.

"Have you slept?"

"...Yes," Cullen lied, although it seemed his body knew of his deceit. As the word left his lips, a yawn followed through and Cullen tried -and failed- with all his might to try and stifle it. It was no use, however, and Matthews followed by raising an accusing brow.

"Oh? And I suppose you have eaten too?"

"Cassandra _has_ brought me some food, actually," Cullen said matter-of-factly.

"You know we are leaving tomorrow?" Cullen nodded. The Seeker had already made preparations to set foot tomorrow, even though they had not made a decision where there journey would end yet. Everyone knew staying put so close to Haven however was not the brightest moves. Matthews sighed, rubbing a calloused hand across his face and mouth. His eyes bore into the ground, flicking over to Aria for a moment before shaking his head once more.

"We can't wait anymore. Solas... He doesn’t think she will survive the journey and-,"

"He also said she wouldn't survive the night, nor the fever yet it seemed she had proven him wrong once again," Cullen interjected, unwilling to allow Matthews to finish that sentence. He knew what he was going to say. Cassandra, Solas, Adan and Leliana had all said the same thing. She was going to die.

"She is lucky she has had you to protect her, Cullen. But we must come to the realisation that this not survivable for her. We may lose her and minute now, but we cannot lose you as well," Matthews frowned, seemingly shocked at his own words. It was clear he did not want to be having this conversation, Cullen couldn't help but wonder how it came to the agreement that it was him who did it.

"She only needs her rest. Besides, I'm not going anywhere," Cullen snapped, struggling to hide his frustration as it intertwined with his exhaustion.

"You need rest... And food. Josy has some stew and a bed for you,"

"I'm fine here,"

"It wasn't a request, Cullen, it was an order. Besides, if you say no you will have to suffer the wrath of Lady Montillyet," Matthews' lips curled into a smile at the mention of the Ambassador. Cullen was aware they were in contact before he joined the Inquisition, but was unsure of the extent of their relationship. "Trust me, she is not someone you want to face." A hot meal did sound appealing, and the prospect of rest was a truly wonderful concept. But he couldn't leave, he had refused himself of any slumber over the fear of the Herald's condition worsening whilst he was unconscious. So to leave her entirely? Cullen would never forgive himself if something were to happen.

"But what of Ari... The Herald?" Cullen stuttered, his eyes fixed to her again.  
  
_You will kill her._ The voice told him again. No, he thought. Not if he stays here, it was his only way to ensure she lives.

"I will stay with her. I promise you, I will not leave her side. If there is the tiniest of changes, you will be the first to know. "Eventually, Cullen nodded at Matthews, he sleep deprived mind ripping him away from his duties. Hopefully the Maker would forgive him.

" _Any_ change?" he reiterated as he stood. His legs groaned and his back ached as he stretched himself. How long had he been sitting there?  He had lost count of the number of hours.

"First to know," Matthews said standing. He placed an affectionate hand on the Commander's shoulder, sharing a grin many of the women of Haven had grown to adore.

"I meant what I said, she is lucky to have someone to care for her so much,"  
  
Cullen had wolfed the stew down hungrily whilst Josephine and Leliana watched him like they would a misbehaving child. It warmed his bones and filled his stomach, only realising now how long it had been since he last felt this way. Now though, having been ordered into a tent to rest, that feeling was beginning to leave him once more. His mind was riddled with thoughts of what had happened, and what was to come.  
He rested an arm over his face, covering his eyes to try and force sleep to come. He shifted from side to side on the cot, still nothing. He even tried counting - Leliana had offered such advice after finding him in the war room in the middle of the night once. Still nothing. There was too much at stake to waste sleeping.  
Realising the pointlessness of this exercise, Cullen stood up, put his boots on and left the tent.

"What are you doing?" Cassandra snapped as she saw the dishevelled commander leave the tent not even an hour after he was ordered in there.

"I'm here to help with the preparations," Cullen said, rubbing the ever present knot on the back of his neck.

"Thank you, Cullen, but I believe we can manage whilst you rest," Josephine smiled sweetly as she spoke.

"I don't need to rest," he grumbled, walking over to the makeshift table the three women now stood around. It was covered in Fereldon maps, supply and scout reports and burnt down candles. A faint line had been marked on one of the maps, heading west into the Hinterlands.

"Is this the route you have decided?" he asked, trying to ascertain where they were planning on going to.

"Yes." Cullen frowned, his words coming out much icier than he intended. "We must have an agreed destination if we are to leave. We cannot simply wander the Hinterlands like a group of bandits,"

"That is _not_ what we are planning to do, but we cannot stay here any longer," Leliana said, her lips narrowing.

"Then what is your intention?"  


  
The conversation went round in circles again and again, with each party member becoming increasingly agitated. Cullen couldn't help it; he wouldn't allow his men to wander through Fereldon blindly. It was a plan created in panic, which he never ends well. Snatching the map from the table, Cullen scanned through it again, trying to find somewhere which would be suitable for the Inquisition.

"Perhaps we reach out to the King? The Herald did make quite the impression with him in Redcliffe?" Cullen suggested as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. Maker, he really was tired now.

"And ask for what?" Leliana snapped, her tolerance of the Commander’s incessant questioning had now worn down entirely.

"Anything. A holding? A town which we can make camp? Something other than the wilds!"

"Enough!" Cassandra yelled, interrupting their relentless bickering. Cullen instantly felt a wash of shame over him. "Arguing is going to get us nowhere. Regardless of whether we make a decision or not, we will be leaving at first light so go and rest. All of you," Cassandra added when Cullen opened his mouth in protest. Leliana and Josephine nodded, clearly relieved they have been able rid themselves of this discussion.

"Perhaps I could help?" Solas appeared beside Cassandra, his eyes routed onto the maps.

"Unless you have a keen eye for military strategy, I would doubt it," Cullen grumbled and received a glare from The Seeker.

"No, unfortunately not. But I do have a potential destination for our aimless wandering."  
  
  
_So much fear...death...despair. The Elder One will come for you._

  
Aria let out a gasp, her lungs filling with air with such ferocity like she had been underwater and finally allowed to return to the surface.

"Corypheus, Haven, dragon," she uttered hysterically. Soft whispers came from beside her but it only sent her into more panic.

"Maker," she cried out, opening her eyes to only be welcomed by a burning pain in her head. Surely death was supposed to be a relief from such agonies? Something pressed against her shoulders making the pain spread across her body. Was the Maker punishing her? She had many sins which were worthy of such torture. Perhaps this was her castigation.

"Aria, it's OK, calm down," a voice said softly as the pressure against her was released. Opening her eyes again, Aria found Matthews leaning over her. "You're safe now." _Safe?_ How can she be safe? A self-proclaimed God had killed her!

"But I'm dead?"

"No Trevelyan. Although you should be. Andraste really is watching over you." When she tried to move, her entire body screamed in agony. Her right arm was completely immobile, strapped to her swollen chest. She couldn't see her foot under the blankets but she could feel it. Her stomach was the worst however, that stung so much it made her eyes water and her jaw clench when she moved.

"Easy," Matthews said, helping her into the sitting position she had failed to accomplish on her own.

"Everything hurts," she groaned, trying to pin point the centre of the pain before realising it was everywhere.

"Oh right, Adan left this if you woke," he said, passing a bottle over to Aria. She didn't hesitate and drank the entire contents in two big gulps.

"It's poison," Matthews laughed, shaking his head in astonishment at how quickly she devoured the potion.

"If it relieves any of this, I'd gladly drink it again," Aria groaned, waiting desperately for whatever she had drunk to fix her.

  
As the realisation sunk in, Aria's head filled with questions. The last thing she remembered was setting the trebuchet off and Haven burying. Wait, no. She remembered the never ending cold. Lying in the darkness, waiting for death. Then the whisper of the Maker on the wind, He found her. That was when she died.

"Matt," she said, rubbing her eyes with her free hand. "I don't understand. I died. The Maker..." she paused. Aria couldn't find the words to explain what she thought had happened. "How am I here?"

"Cullen," Aria felt her heart stop at the mention."When he learnt you had stayed behind, I thought he was going to kill Cassandra I've never seen him so angry. The avalanche was still falling when he turned back for you."

"He came back for me... Why?" Aria couldn't understand, why would he do something so foolish? The bumbling idiot could have got himself killed! She had made her peace, staying behind and sacrificing herself was her chance to make peace and do something which made things right.

"You know why, Trevelyan. The only reason he isn’t still in here with you now is because we pretty much had to force him to go eat and rest," Matthews smiled causing the cut on his cheek to crack. Aria only now truly noticed the injuries the Lieutenant wore. It felt her heart drop to see them. If he was in such a state, what about the others? Had they even survived?

"Speaking of the Commander, I better inform him you're awake. If I don't, I think he'll have me on latrine digging duties for the rest of time," he placed a hand on her face for a moment, rubbing her cheek with his thumb.

“I’m glad you came back to us, _Milady._ ”

Aria sat alone on the floor struggling to comprehend what she had learnt. Once again, she had survived when she should have fallen and it was because of Cullen. That man was becoming rather habitual at saving her it would seem. Any sane person would have thought twice about returning to where an arch demon was, along with an army of mages. They would have at least waited until an avalanche had stopped burying a town. But not Cullen. After a few minutes on her own trying to put the pieces together, she couldn’t wait any longer. Aria needed to talk to him, to understand why he did it. _You know why,_ Matthew’s answer to the question ran through her head. Carefully, she pushed herself from the ground, the left side of her body shaking under the weight. It hurt, a lot, but she made it on her feet. With the blankets gone, Aria could now see her leg as well. It too was bandaged along with the rest of her but she could see her right leg was rather swollen in comparison to other. Testing the water, she gently placed some weight on it. So far so good. It throbbed but at least it was bearable. She may not be able to walk far but she should be able to at least get out of this tent. Gingerly, Aria took her first step, wincing as she did. She was already tiring; the energy she was having to use just to stay upright was quickly diminishing. Surely he wouldn’t be too far, and if someone else sees her leave the tent then-

Aria jumped as the door to the tent was pushed aside suddenly and a blast of cold air hit against her face.

“Aria,” Cullen said, his eyes wide and mouth agape as he stared at her. He looked as if he had seen a ghost. From what Matthews had told her, he probably is. “Thank the Maker.” Cullen stepped forwards with such speed that even though his touch was gentle, he almost knocked her over. She let out a cry when Cullen embraced her but, when he tried to release, she wouldn’t allow it.

“What are you doing?” he frowned as he let go of her. “You need your rest.” He still held her close and, although he had no physical injuries, Aria could see the damage this attack had brought upon him. She stared into his sunken, gaunt eyes – a dull juxtaposition against the normal golden glow- assessing the severity of the dark circles around them. It was unclear how long ago the attack was, but Cullen had obviously not slept at all since it happened.

“I was coming,” Aria winced, causing to the Commander’s frown to deepen, “to find you,” she said, exhaling as she finished. “Matt said it is thanks to you I’m here at all.”

“Well.. I, uh,” Cullen stumbled, glancing away from her.

“You went back for me, knowing that _thing_ was there,”

“Anyone would have done the same,” he mumbled, unable to meet her eye. He began his tell-tale sign of his awkward levels rising as he kept his gaze low and rubbed the back of his neck. He would be a truly awful player at Wicked Grace.

“No… they wouldn’t Cullen. But you did, why?” Aria scanned his face, trying to ascertain what he was thinking. She wanted his arms around her again, his warmth against her skin. Instead, he stepped back, his lips narrowing into a thin line.

“You stayed behind… You could’ve,” he stumbled, shaking his head. “Do you not have any idea how reckless your actions were?”

“Reckless?” Aria said astonished at Cullen’s outburst. “Corypheus… he was after me. If I hadn’t, you.. everyone in the Inquisition would have perished.”

“You don’t know that,” he spat, now pacing back and forth for a moment.

“Yes, I do. If I had followed then so would have he! Everything the Inquisition had fought for would’ve been for nothing and that _bastard_ would have won!” Aria yelled, or at least she tried to. Her hoarse voice cracked under the strain.

“We could have found another way, anything else, just not…not this,” Cullen stopped. His head slumped down and he rubbed his forehead with both hands.

“It worked, didn’t it?” Aria barked again, her voice finding volume this time. It burned her throat to do so but right now she didn’t care. “The Inquisition survived and by some bloody twisted _miracle_ , so did I.” 

“Twisted… You wanted this?” Cullen froze, finally looking up to her. She didn’t mean to say those words and she instantly regretted them. It was true though. A second time had she prepared herself to die, only to awaken once more. It would seem even death doesn’t want her.

“I was ready to-,” Aria broke off when Cullen stepped forwards, holding her arms in his hands. She winced again as the pain radiated her left side but he did not subside.

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say you wanted… You can’t be ready to…. I cannot allow….” Cullen stuttered, his voice trailing off as he stared into her. Aria felt her eyes sting from the pain. Not from her arm, her stomach or anywhere on her body but from seeing the Commander look so… broken.

“It is done now, please stop,” Aria sobbed the last words. She couldn’t contain it anymore and the tears fell down her cheeks. She watched as his brows furrowed and his grip tightened on her more. She cried out this time as he squeezed her arm, the touch burning her broken skin.

“Cullen, please, you’re hurting me,” she rasped, unable to contain her pain any further. The Commander instantly let go, pushing her away as he stepped back. His hands rubbed across his face before stopping in front of his chest. He stared at them as if they were covered in blood.

“It’s true,” he mumbled so quietly Aria could barely hear, “Maker forgive me.” Cullen turned on his heel to leave, only stopping at the Herald calling his name.

“Please don’t go,” she pleaded. “Haven, Corypheus, the Anchor, it’s all too much and I… Cullen I need you,” Aria admitted as she stared intently in the back of his head. Her body began to shake now and her face was beaded with sweat. Her head couldn’t even begin to ascertain the relationship between them, but right now it was he that she needed.

“You need your rest, Herald,” he said, using his best commander voice Aria had heard him use a thousand times when talking to the recruits. “I have my duties to attend to.”

“Then get out,” she hissed.

And he really did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Cullen!


	17. We sit in the mud but reach for the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a delay in a new chapter! There will not be such a long wait until the next one :)

_Thank you...._   _Bless you Herald... Thank the Maker..._  
  
The whispers from the crowd turned to shouts and cheers as the Herald made her way to the front of the camp. She moved slowly, as to be expected, with Dorian and Varric by her side. They had become quite the trio, they rarely left her side. Cullen’s men had meticulously prepared the Inquisition for their journey, with all of the equipment – what they had managed to salvage at least - packed and ready to move.

"You saved us, bless you, Herald!" a woman near Cullen shouted, causing the crowd's cheers to louden further.

"I still can't believe she's alive," Leliana said. She had been standing with Josephine talking quietly for some time now, only finishing whatever their discussion was to come forwards to greet the Herald. Normally, Cullen would have questioned their secrecy but he was in no mood this morning. Once again, sleep had eluded him following last night's altercation with Aria. Even when he tried to...the dreams. The very thought made him shudder. Cullen was no stranger to night terrors, but these were different. They felt so...so real.  
_Why are you protecting her?_ The voice from last night ran through his mind. _Because I must,_ he reminded himself.

He had hurt her last night, more than be ever intended to. The way her voice broke when she spoke to him made his heart drop at the very thought. All he wanted to do was to help her, to protect her. Pushing her away was now the only viable option. Maker knows he is struggling to resist her and what will happen if he fails.

_You will kill her._

As her eyes glanced up towards him, his entire body stiffened. Although it only last a second, it felt like they stared at each other for a life time. Cullen attempted a weak smile but it was not returned. As soon as she created it, Aria broke their gaze and turned back to her conversation with her companions.

"It is good to see you, Herald," Leliana smiled. Her attitude to Aria had warmed greatly with the revelation of her family. The Spymaster had thoroughly enjoyed learning the truths of many secrets the Trevelyans held.

"I hope you are well," Josephine said, "All things considering," she quickly added and Cullen watched as the ambassador's cheeks turned a faint pink.

"Oh yeah, just great," Aria said sarcastically, giving Josephine a winsome grin. Even now the woman cannot be serious.

"Before we leave, I was hoping we could borrow a moment of your time?" Aria nodded and slowly walked away from the rest of the group with Josephine and Leliana. Whatever they were talking about, it was not a conversation that boded well with Aria. Her face was contorted into the typical look she gives when angry. Her brows were low and furrowed and her upper lip was raised. A look she often saved for the Commander.

"We need to go, I would like to make _some_ distance before nightfall," Cullen grumbled, receiving a rather dark look from Cassandra. He shuffled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. Maker, they would barely make any ground at all if they did not leave soon. His men had been working through the morning to get everything prepared and ready for the journey which he was not going to allow to be wasted. Yet it is now Lady Montilyet wants to talk to the Herald. What was so important that it could not at least wait until the evening?

"Of course, Commander," she said, stepping forwards from Aria and Leliana. "If you would be so kind as to escort the Herald to the carriage then we can begin."

"It is quite alright, Josephine, I can walk fine on my own. Besides, I'm sure our Commander has other duties to attend to."

 

+++

Another long and arduous journey, made all the more difficult with the thick snow to laboriously chamber through. By the time they had made camp for the fourth evening - a clearing protected by rocky edges- Cullen and the others were exhausted. On several occasions Cassandra had moaned at him for trying to push everyone too hard. It was only because he wanted his men to be wandering the Frostbacks for as little as possible. It was his duty to protect them. So many were already lost at Haven, he would not lose anymore in their escape. Thanks to his persistence, they had made good time and were now only a day away from this Skyhold according to Solas. Maker help him if this was for naught. The elf was adamant it would be of use and the others took his word, even if Cullen was doubtful. It was after all the only feasible plan they had.

 

Having circled the camp - not just once but three times - to ensure it was well guarded, Cullen finally rested himself by a fire. Some tents for those who were injured had been erected and blankets handed out for the others. Cullen knew he would barely sleep at all again this evening, however. He did not wait to unfasten his gauntlets and let out a groan of pleasure as he rubbed his now bare wrists. It was the only piece of armour he felt comfortable removing at the minute so he would relish in the satisfaction of it as much as possible.

"Better?" Matthews grinned from across the camp fire. Cullen hadn't even noticed him sitting there with Josephine. How long had they been there?

"Yes, much better." he said, feeling the cool air between his fingers. Josephine spoke quietly - inaudible to Cullen - and stood to leave. She nodded towards Cullen before scuttling off into the camp.

"What do you think this Skyhold will be like?" Matthews said as he moved round the fire to sit beside Cullen.

"Likely a ruin, if it exists at all," Cullen grumbled in response. He found it difficult to hide his frustration of this plan. But as Leliana reminded him, there was no other plan. Aria had agreed to it, she seems to hold the elf in higher regards than he.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who has doubts about this," Matthews smiled. No matter the situation, he always had a stupid grin across his face.  
"Commander," a young recruit appeared to his left holding a small bowl. Cullen's stomach grumbled at the sight of the hot food before him. "Lady Nightingale asked me to bring this you when you arrived."

"Thank you," Cullen replied, blessing Leliana for looking after him. He wolfed down the soup, feeling his insides warm at the touch, letting out another moan of pleasure. Taking the final slurp, Cullen dropped the bowl by his feet. He stared at it for a moment, as if willing more soup to reappear.

"Maker, you were hungry," the Lieutenant teased, giving Cullen a gentle pat on the arm. Even with the bowl finished, his stomach still felt empty.

"Oh have I missed the food?" Cullen turned around to find Aria standing leaning her weight against the staff in her hands. She wore no armour – it was too constricting on her injuries and Mother Giselle wouldn’t allow it much to Aria’s disdain. Instead, she wore a loose black shirt and breeches to match, with a deep red cloak around her which dropped down to her thighs. The cloak was much too oversized and it smothered her frame but it was better than freezing here.

"I don't believe so, I will go and check," Cullen mumbled. He dropped his gaze, unsure where to look as he stood up.

"Herald," the same recruit appeared again with another bowl of food. "Some food from Lady Nightingale for you." Where was this recruit hiding? Had Leliana ordered the poor girl to stand and wait for them?

"Oh thank the Maker," Aria said hungrily as she grabbed the bowl and nodded to the recruit who was already rushing off again. Cullen watched as Aria stood for a moment, a bowl in one hand and a staff in the other. She looked from side to side, her brow scrunching.  
"Need some help?" he asked, and clearly had read her mind from her response.

"It's quite hard for me to get to the ground just now at the best of times..." she mumbled, lowering her head. Aria always did hide her eyes when she was embarrassed.

"Here, let me," Cullen said, standing to help her. She flinched back, pulling herself away from his reach.

"I can do it myself," she snapped, her eyes blinking rapidly for a moment as if taking in finally who she was talking to.

"Trevelyan, play nice," Matthews said, causing a look of pure rage to bore over him from Aria.  
Ignoring her response, Cullen took the staff from her hands and placed it on the floor, then took the bowl and placed it down also.

"Th.. Thank you," she said as Cullen took her by the arm and slowly helped her to sit down. He could feel her body shaking under the strain even with his support. When he knew she was supported, he let go of her arm.

"Are you OK?" he asked as he pushed himself back into a comfortable sitting position between her and Matthews. The ground was cold under his fingers even with the blaze of the nearby fire.

"Just my dignity hurt this time," she laughed awkwardly before hiding her reddened face behind the soup bowl. A loud slurp followed by several gulps came from Aria and it felt like a matter of seconds before Cullen watched her longing look at the bottom of the bowl as he had done. He now found himself sitting beside the woman be was trying desperately to avoid. How soon would it be an acceptable time for him to leave without causing further tension to their relationship? Surely, with her still healing injuries, Aria would retire to her slumber sooner rather than later. Although, she seemed as bad a night owl as he so perhaps not. Her night terror he walked upon, where he had to pin her down and almost scream to wake her came to his thoughts. How often did that happen? He hadn't heard anyone talk of this within the camp. Perhaps she was as accustomed to hiding it as he, however. Years of torment does that to you.

"I don't need your help," she said suddenly, catching Cullen off guard and pulling him from his destructive thoughts.

"I didn't mean to upset you... I thought you needed my... I only wanted to... Oh Maker," Cullen stuttered. How could he respond? He had just been calculating an acceptable method of escape and how he wanted to get away from her.

"Do you ever string a full sentence?" Aria grumbled, laying down so her back now rested on the ground behind her.

"Aria." Matthews warned but he ignored him.

"Sorry," he replied sheepishly. "I'll go."

"Running again? Just sit down, Cullen," Aria barked as he made to leave, making Cullen trapped in a half standing half sitting position. This was his chance to leave but he found himself stuck. Eventually he melted back down into a seat once more.

"Have the potions worn off by any chance?" Matthews asked, raising a brow at Aria. She still lay but turned her head for a moment to eye the Lieutenant, before turning her head back to the skies.

"...Yes...," she admitted finally. Cullen let out a laugh then instantly regretted it from the look she gave him, although what she did next truly shocked him. She laughed as well.  
The three sat by the fire and Cullen watched as the flames danced in front of him. They truly were majestic, even if in a sort of destructive manner. Something caught his eye to the left pulling his gaze. Aria still lay, one eye shut and an arm up in the air. It was if she were drawing something in mid-air although he couldn't quite make out what.

"What are you-," he began but was interrupted with a loud shush from the Herald.

"Oh Maker, not again," Matthews grumbled, placing his head in his hand.

"I said shush! I think I've found it," Aria shouted, much too excited for what she was doing. Cullen looked back between her and Matthews in a dire attempt to ascertain what was going on. Unable to decipher, he leaned closer to the Lieutenant and whispered, "What is she doing?"

"Some bloody-."

"There it is!" Aria shouted. "It's beautiful. Quick, lie down and I'll show you."

"No thanks, I'd rather roll in nug dung than face another tutoring about some dragon star."

"Foolish cretin," she said, giving her friend another grin. "And it's called Draconis. If you’re going go insult me, at least use the correct vocabulary." Cullen's ears pricked up at the sudden realisation of what the conversation is about.

"Are you sure you've found it here? I didn't think it would be visible this far west," Cullen said, gazing up to try and find where she had been pointing. It was a perfectly clear night and the millions of stars shone beautifully above them.

"Lie down and I'll show you," she responded and Cullen obeyed. Together they lay, shoulders almost touching, facing the skies above. The ground was cold against his back but rather refreshing. It was only then he realised how warm the fire was making him.

"Now see that bright star- almost blue- which is sitting on its own?" Aria pointed to where she was talking. The star in question seemed to have a space in the cramped sky for itself. It was as if the others were afraid of it and kept their distance, encircling it from afar. Cullen tried hard to remember the name of it. Blue in colour, brighter than most which sat in the tail of Draconis. Of course!

"That is the Auriel star?" he asked, turning his head slightly to face her. Her eyes met his, the light from the fire danced inside them, making her gaze looked wild.

"Yes," she smiled, "follow it upwards and you will see two mismatched lines of stars trailing out."

"That is the body, yes? Then there are three on either side which form the wings of the dragon," Cullen lifted his arm to point out the stars he was talking about. He visually mapped the constellation out, joining the stars together to make Draconis above them.

“Did you know you can use the Auriel star to find Peraquialus?” Aria’s eyes widened as he spoke. “Yes,” he shuffled closer and lifted a hand up again to track as he spoke. “If you look due east of the Auriel star, just there, you can find the central star which makes the constellation.” Cullen moved his finger to find the star in question. Similar to the Auriel, it shone brighter than the others around but this one had a pink hue rather than blue. “It isn’t the right time of year to find Peraquialus fully so we can only see a couple of the stars at the minute unfortunately.”

"I never thought you to be educated in astrology,” Aria mused, turning her head to face him once more.

"Yes... Well. Life in the circle was not the most exciting for a Templar but they did have a rather extensive range of reading material which we could use." Aria turned her head back to the skies. She opened her mouth twice, then shut it again. _Oh, of course._

"Sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned there... I didn't think... I didn't mean to..." Cullen stopped and covered his eyes with his hand.

"Cullen relax, you're allowed to mention circles around me, I'm not going to burst into flames at the sound of the word," Aria reassured him, a weak smile spreading on her cheeks.

"I guess not." he said, a weak grin spreading across his face also. Together they watched the stars above. The air around them was silent save for the crackle of the fire and the cool wind which flowed sporadically through the camp. He should leave, he knew that was the right thing to do. Yet lying here, with her, felt so right also. His ability to resist her was diminishing at a rapid pace and that scared him more than any archdemon.    
Taking a deep breath, Cullen plucked up all of his courage. "I'm sorry." he didn't need to move his head to know she had turned to face him, most likely with a brow cocked.

"Why? What have you done now?" she said sarcastically.

"For _everything_. The circle, the way I have treat you since your arrival in Haven, for everything." feeling his heart drum against his chest, Cullen pushed himself up and rubbed against the back of his neck furiously. The fire felt hot against his numbed skin and caused him to perspire almost instantly. Perhaps it was from the conversation he had begun, actually. "And I am sorry for leaving when you needed me. That was wrong of me but please know that I truly thought it was for the best."

"You _have_ done some pretty bad things, Cullen," Aria agreed, pushing herself up also. It was a slow movement and she winced in pain as she did. "We all have. Yet I wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for you." Looking up finally, he met her warm gaze on him. She looked tired, Cullen realised as the flames lit up her skin. The skin on her face seemed to be hanging from her bones making her looked gaunt.

"There is something going on with you, and I understand if you don't want to talk about it but please know I am here if you need to," Aria rested a hand on his arm, her tone now much softer. "Whatever it is though, stop punishing yourself. It's not helping anyone and if we are to get through this, we need you."

_I've stopped taking lyrium and it is becoming unbearable. The demons in my dreams want you dead and I fear that I will be the death of you if I get close to you._

Cullen tried to form the words but nothing came. He wanted to explain everything but he knew deep down he was too much of a coward to do so. The only option was to leave, to spread the distance between them, yet still he did not move.

"How can you be so kind?" he asked, genuinely perplexed. He had imprisoned her, scorned her for being an apostate then left her in her time of need but here she was trying to comfort him?

"I don't know, maybe I hit my head worse than I thought," Aria laughed, tightening her grip on his arm. Cullen placed his hand on hers, feeling the soft skin against his calloused fingers. “What happened at Haven, it’s affected all of us. Maybe it’s made me realise life is too precious to waste full of hatred.”

"Whatever the reason, I do not deserve it."

"Yes... You do."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a difficult one to write! It seems every time they try to keep themselves apart, something pulls them back together.


	18. Skyhold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Aria read through the report a second time, the exhaustion of another night awake taking its toll. Her final candle was now burning down to the smallest part, giving off minimal light. Although the first light of the morning was just creeping into her quarters, it was of little help to read Josephine's tiny cursive writing.

  
_Inquisitor,_

  
_The reports are as we had feared. Venatori have been spotted not three days from here investigating an ancient ruin within the Frostbacks. They are few in number and we are as yet unsure if they are aware of our location at the moment. Regardless, I am sure you understand we cannot allow them to continue their presence._  
  
_I will inform Dennett to prepare a mount for you and your companions for when you are fit to leave._

_  
_Josephine__  
  
_When I am fit to leave._  Aria rubbed her arm. It still ached and she could feel the uneven skin underneath her shirt where more scars were now etched into her. The rest of her body felt back to normal, almost at least. Her strength still waned but it was gaining, slowly. Only her arm let her down now.  Mother Gisele had commented several times how fast her injuries were healing, and how it must be Andraste herself helping Aria. The Inquisitor wasn't quite so convinced. It had been almost a month since their arrival at Skyhold yet her wounds from Haven still played their part.

She stood up and walked across her quarters -which were much too grandiose but Josephine insisted on the luxuriousness of the room's decor with no holding on expense - and unsheathed her swords which hung beside her bed. They felt good in her hand, more comfortable than a staff ever would. Vivienne had been teaching her to use her magic since their arrival to the fortress, much to Aria's disdain. As much as she disagreed to it however, she couldn't argue with her advisors' logic. There was no way to tell if Aria could fight in the same way, this could be her only form of attack. Even Cullen had agreed it was the right thing to do which was more than a shock to Aria.

Aria lightened her footing, preparing her stance to fight. She lunged forwards, stabbing the air with her left blade and lifting the right in the air to defend against an imaginary attack. Then she spun to her right, bringing both swords parallel with each other and slicing through the air behind her. This continued for a while, enough to make her forehead perspire. This felt right; she knew what to do effortlessly. Not like with a staff, where she was constantly trying to conjure the words she needed whilst aiming her spells and trying to keep an eye on the grounds around her all at the same time. Even after a few minutes it made her head hurt. With her blades though, it was as if they were a part of her. They knew exactly what to do, as if it were them that guided her instead. She didn't need to be practising magic; she  _can_  still use her swords.

This was not enough though. Yes, she could manoeuvre herself perfectly when fighting an imaginary target, but what a real one? It was still a few hours until her lesson with Vivienne and most of Skyhold would still be asleep. This was her chance.  Aria did not hesitate. She donned her leathers and boots and raced down the stairs.  
  
She knocked three times but there was no answer. Again, louder this time but still no answer. Rolling her eyes, Aria opened the door slowly. With the curtains still open the room was already bright from the first light. It was much smaller than hers, but still finely decorated. A thick, intricately patterned rug lay across the floor. It was a wash of oranges and reds depicting the sun, at least that's what Aria thought it was. The bed was smaller than hers but still as lavish.

"Hey, wake up!" Aria hissed, giving the deep-sleeping Matthews a shove on the arm. He didn't even flinch making Aria groan in annoyance.

"Get up you lazy git!" she shouted, lifting her leg to kick his shoulder. He rolled onto his back from the hit but only let out a small groan. His eyes stayed tightly shut. Glancing around the room, Aria caught sight of a water jug. She picked it up and walked back over to the bed.

"This is your last chance," she said, struggling to withhold the grin already spreading across her face. “So be it.” Aria smirked, pouring the contents of the jug onto the sleeping Lieutenant’s face. He choked and spluttered, his body convulsing temporarily in shock. His eyes shot opened and searched the room for his attacker. It didn’t take long for him to find Aria looming over him- jug still in hand- clenching her stomach as she failed to hold in the laughter.

“Oh good, you’re awake,” she laughed, placing the jug down and wiping a tear from her cheek. Matthews mumbled something under his breath, grabbed a blanket to dry his face and gave Aria a murderous look.

“I’ll remember this, Trevelyan. What in the bloody Fade do you want?” grumbled Matthews, rubbing his face and sitting up.

“I need your help.”

“And this is how you ask for it!” Matthews shouted, although Aria was sure she saw a slight smile on his face appear. He walked across the room, ripping off his now wet shirt as he did and picked up another. Aria felt her cheeks redden as she saw her friend undress, feeling very aware all of a sudden where she was looking- and not looking.

“I  _did_ try to wake you,” Aria said, receiving another dirty look from the red haired soldier as he tied his damp curls back from his face.

“Well, don’t  _try_ and do anything for me again. What was so important you had to enter here uninvited, anyways?”

“I need you to… train with me,” Aria stuttered, suddenly feeling her face blush again. She hadn’t really thought much past finding Matthews and asking for his help. She hadn’t even considered his response, he would likely find it ridiculous.

“I’m not having any fireballs thrown at me, isn’t Vivienne helping you with that?” Matthews asked.

“Well yeah but that’s not what I mean. I mean proper training. With swords, not magic,” Aria said quickly as Matthew’s pale blue eyes bore down on her.

“Oh, are you sure you’ll be able…” Matthews paused averting his gaze from the Inquisitor to briefly fall on her arm. Aria rubbed it gently, feeling the remnants of the scars even beneath her leathers.

“Get ready, meet me in the training grounds in ten minutes.”

+++

“Again.” Aria demanded, brushing the dust from stomach and legs. She picked up her training swords – they were a similar weight to her own but completely blunt - and got into position. Matthews stood opposite, a single sword and shield in hand. Skyhold had awoken now and they had begun to gather an audience. Soldiers and merchants had come to watch the famed inquisitor getting knocked down again and again and again.

“Trevelyan, do you not think-.”

“I said again, Matt!” Aria hissed and her friend shook his head. Her whole body ached now but her arm was excruciating. Giving herself a shake, she willed it away from her. She  _will_ be able to fight again, she  _must_. Matthews was hesitant, much to Aria’s annoyance. If he wasn’t going to attack, then she sure would. She lunged forwards with a single blade which Matthews easily parried away. With her right hand, Aria spun around and struck this unguarded soldier in the side. He stumbled back but caught his footing. Then he lifted his sword high to strike down. Aria lifted both blades high to parry – a move she was more than capable of. The force however reverberated through her shoulder and down her arm, causing Aria to scream out in pain. Matthew’s sword broke through and crashed down onto her shoulder and she fell to the ground. It happened again!  _Fuck, I can’t do it. I can’t fight._

“What in the Maker is going on here!” A voice shouted. Aria felt Matthews’ hands grab her shoulders and pull her back to her feet. Cullen now stormed across the training grounds, forcing his way through some of his men who had stopped to watch.

“We were,” Matthews paused, shaking his head, “training,” he added dubiously. Cullen’s eyes were wide with rage as he glanced between the two of them. Both of their curls stuck to their faces and Aria felt a trickle of blood trickle down her cheek.

“Inquisitor, a word,” his tone was cold. Aria could only imagine this was the voice he held for his disobedient recruits. His gauntleted hand wrapped around her arm and steadily pulled her away from prying eyes.

“Are you trying to get yourself killed!” Cullen hissed through his teeth, his grip still tight on Aria’s arm.

“I’ll have you know that is the  _opposite_ of what I am trying to do,” Aria answered, pulling herself from his grasp. Cullen opened his mouth for a moment, then shut it again. His look of anger turned to bewilderment at her response. “I assume you haven’t gone blind, so you would know that I was training.”

“Aria, you are still-,”

“I am  _fine_ ,” Aria interjected. This was the last conversation she wanted to be having. It was only a matter of time before she would be leaving Skyhold and facing a real fight once more. She needed to be ready. “I just needed to know I could still fight.” Aria’s eyes dropped. In the distance, she could hear Matthews shooing away any spectators who had lingered.

“Is that what this is about? Trying to prove yourself?”

“You saw what happened there Cullen. What happens when someone or something attacks me like that for real? I can’t defend myself,” the words cut through her. Everyone had told her how quick she was healing, how soon it would be that she would be back to normal. How it was a miracle sent by Andraste herself. Some miracle.

“What about your training with Vivienne? She has said on many occasions how proficient you are with a staff,” Cullen’s tone was softer now and he rested a hand on her arm again.

“That’s all it is though, training. I have never truly fought with magic, what if I fail?” Aria felt her eyes well up and she scorned herself for acting so weak. Only a few weeks ago she had thrown herself into a mission which she thought would guarantee her death. Now though, this was different. There was so much depending on her to succeed.

“Wait here.” Before Aria had a chance to object, Cullen was rushing off, calling orders to soldiers nearby as he did. On the opposite side of the training ground the Commander spoke with Barris, who glanced over several times in her direction. One of the guards Cullen had shouted orders to was now running back towards him, holding what looked like a stick, a sword and a satchel. When Aria scrunched her eyes, she realised it was no stick, it was a staff!

“Right, come on,” Cullen ordered, gesturing her towards him.

“What are you doing with  _those?_ ” Aria questioned, eyeing the commander up and down.

“You’ll see, now come on,” Cullen ordered again, a little more forcefully this time and Aria obeyed.

 

Cullen led her out of Skyhold’s gates, across the bridge and down into the valley below. On several occasions, she had continued to question the commander but it was to no avail. He merely waved a hand and told her to wait. Aria crossed her arms after yet another failed attempt and continued in frustrated silence. When they arrived in a large, flat clearing the Commander finally stopped.  The clearing was sparsely surrounded by trees and a covering of snow.

“Right, here,” Cullen said, handing the staff over to her and placing the bag on the floor behind him. Aria hesitated, lifting a brow at him instead. He rolled his eyes, shoving the staff towards her more. “Just take it.”

“Last time I checked,  _I_ am the Inquisitor,” Aria joshed but took the staff none the less. She watched as a faint smile lifted on his cheek and he stole a quick glance towards her. The very gesture made Aria blush and she looked away.

“True, but I am the  _Commander._ The job is in the title,” Aria laughed, even more when Cullen turned back into his bumbling self, rubbing the back of his neck. “Right, we umm,” he sighed. “Let’s begin, shall we?”

“Begin?”

“You have never fought using magic properly before. This is your chance,” Aria stepped back, her mouth agape. She looked down at the staff which sat between her fingers, then back up at the former Templar who was actually asking her to attack him with magic. Maybe she really did die at Haven and this was some strange alternate world. “Relax, it’s only a training staff. Besides. I  _was_ a Templar, I can still supress your magic so it will not be too destructive,” Cullen said as he assessed the balance of the training sword in his hand. He gripped it lightly, letting it drop to either side and swing around.

“You must be joking?” Aria protested, stepping forwards and resting a hand on Cullen’s arm. “I don’t want to hurt you.” Cullen’s golden eyes stared down into her own and Aria felt locked into his gaze. She drank in his appearance. The faint lines which etched across his forehead, the freckles which had dotted across his nose from the sun. The scar on his lip which would bend and mould depending on his mood. Aria always wondered where he had got that from, one day she would ask him.

“You won’t,” he smiled.

At the beginning, Aria was nervous. She felt hesitant to cast directly towards Cullen – instead aiming behind him or near the ground around him - which he was most unimpressed with. After another talking to about how she wouldn’t hurt him, Aria finally agreed to do this properly. Her spells were much weaker than when with Vivienne but Aria wasn’t sure if that was down to the quality of the staff or if he truly was supressing her power.

This went on for several hours. They had stopped at midday for some food and a drink – Cullen had brought them in the bag he had asked a recruit to gather – before continuing. He had even remembered to pack a lyrium potion for Aria as well. She still felt reluctant to use it, it felt unnatural to her. Besides, the taste was absolutely foul. But if it was something she was going to have to get used to, now would be the time to start. Whilst resting, Aria had spied in the bag some bandages, potions and salves as well, clearly he  _did_  think someone could get injured.

At first, Aria felt clumsy but Cullen’s guidance helped her greatly. He told her of her weak spots, when she was letting her guard down and what she could do instead. She had even managed to catch him off guard a couple of times. They continued to dance, back and forth. Aria conjured another fireball and sent it towards Cullen, aiming for his chest. Either he was growing tired or she was getting better at this but he was too slow with his dodge and it instead crashed into him and knocked him onto his back.

“Cullen!” Aria shouted, dropping the staff and running towards him, He was batting against his chest which was still aflame. She ran over to the bag, pulling out a water skin and hurried over to pour the remaining contents over the Commander.

“Th, thank you,” he panted, sitting himself back up. A scorch mark now remained on his chest plate and through the armour Aria could see smoke from where his undershirt had burned, although she couldn’t yet see the damage it had done.

“Please forgive me, I didn’t mean to,” she said, restlessly sitting beside him. “Are you hurt?” Aria didn’t give him a chance to respond, instead rushing over to grab the bag and bring it back towards Cullen.

“It will be fine, Aria, relax,” Cullen said but the Inquisitor ignored him. She was already unfastening his armour and placing it on the floor beside him. He tried to stop her but Aria merely batted his hands away. When she removed his chest plate, Aria let out a gasp. There were several holes scorched away in his shirt and Aria could see bright red, burned flesh underneath. Some of it already looked blistered and much of the skin had seared away.

“Oh, Maker. Cullen, I’m,” Aria paused, unable to finish the sentence. Cullen pulled her trembling hands down to his lap, clutching them tightly between his.

“You don’t need to apologise, I was the one who made you do this.”

“You didn’t make me do anything!” Aria moaned, feeling the guilt within her only build. “I need you to raise your arms,” she ordered as she tried to remove his shirt. Cullen hesitated for a moment before nodding and raised his arms. “You made me train, not try and bloody kill you.” Aria threw his shirt to the side and rummaged in the bag for the elf root salve and bandages she saw earlier.

“This may hurt,” Aria warned as she shuffled herself closer to him. Her legs pushed against his and when she leant forwards to apply the salve, she could feel his breath on her cheek. Cullen did not complain once although Aria felt his body stiffen every time she touched the burn. Once it was covered, Aria proceeded to wrap the wound in bandages, taking it over his shoulder, around his back and under his arm on the other side. She wrapped it around several times until it was thick enough before fastening it tightly in place.

“You should see a healer when you get back to Skyhold,” Aria said, returning the items into the satchel which still lay by her feet.

“You didn’t need to do that,” Cullen said. He rolled his arm back and forth, assessing the constraints from the bandages. Seeming pleased with the valuation, he dropped his arm back down.

“You’re joking? How could I have just left you like that?” Aria argued, rubbing the remains of the salve she still seemed to have on her hands onto the ground around her. It felt oily on her skin, a feeling she did not enjoy in the slightest. Likely it would be there for most of the day, even after washing them thoroughly. It was worth it though, she couldn’t leave him with such a wound.

“You are too kind,” Cullen said softly, his eyes locked on to her once more. Aria didn’t know where to look, suddenly very aware the Commander was shirtless save for a few bandages covering him and of just how close they still were. Her legs still pushed against his and their faces felt only inches apart. “Thank you,” he added, resting a hand on her own. She glanced up, feeling his warm gaze on her. Aria licked her lips. She felt her heart beat against her chest rapidly and her breathing increased. The memories of the last times they were alone came flooding back and Aria felt her face become hot.

They had never spoken about what had happened between them. She had assumed he had regretted it from the way he had acted around her afterwards. Aria wasn’t even sure how she felt about it herself. Every time she tried to, it felt as if she just went round in circles until her head hurt. She didn’t know how she felt, but right now she knew what she wanted. She wanted him.

“Cullen,” she whispered, trying to utter the words that ran through her mind but only his name came. He lifted a hand to rest on her cheek, his gaze not shifting from her.

“This shouldn’t… we shouldn’t…” Cullen stuttered as he leaned closer towards her. “Oh, Maker,” his breath was warm against her mouth, followed by the caress of his lips against her own. It was everything that she remembered and more. His touch, his smell, his taste, Aria never wanted to forget it again. His kiss was soft at first, the hand on her cheek moving to rub through her hair and affectionately pulling at her tresses. Aria’s hands rested on his stomach, rubbing each toned muscle.

When his tongue caressed hers, Aria felt the kiss intensify. Cullen’s grip on her hair tightened and he pushed himself forwards until she was on her back with his chest pushing into hers. Aria’s fingers gripped his back, scratching down gently to his waist. She felt her hips thrust into his, she couldn’t help it. Aria had never wanted anything more in her life.

Then, once again, it stopped. Cullen pulled away and stared down at her. Aria looked up at him, panting, desperate to pull him back. Her hands still held onto his waist and her grip on him tightened.  _Not again._ Aria didn’t want him to run, not again. She needed this, she needed him.

“I can’t… Maker, I can’t stop,” he said, watching hungrily as Aria bit her lip.

“Then don’t,” she purred and Cullen dropped back down, passionately kissing her again. His tongue explored her mouth rapidly and his hand travelled across her body. It was then Aria realised what he was doing, his fingers fumbled at her leathers, unfastening the buckles. Then he lifted her up so she sat with him between her legs. Their kiss only broke when Cullen pulled away her top and band, baring her breasts. He paused with his hands on her waist, taking in the image of her bare upper body.

“Maker,” he muttered again. Each time they kissed it was more fervent, as if it would be their last. Aria felt her entire body tingle as Cullen’s fingers rubbed against her breasts. She let out a moan under her breath when he pinched a nipple and he replied with a throaty growl and repeated with the other. Her whole body felt ignited from the sparks in her veins, from the end of her fingers to the tip of her toes, even more so when his hips pushed deep into hers and Aria felt him stiff against her.

She ached - she needed him now. Her hands rand down from his waist to his trousers and clumsily began to unfasten. As soon as they were loose Aria pulled them down to his knees, revealing his stiff member. When she took it in her hand, Cullen let out a deep groan against her mouth and bit her lip. His hands mimicked her and unfastened her trousers and pulled them down. His hand gripped the inside of her now bare thigh, with his thumb and fingers carefully caressing the skin. He hesitated when his fingers neared her sex, only continuing with their path when her own grip on him tightened. She pumped her hand slowly, his already hard cock twitching under her touch.

Another gasp left her lips when a finger brushed against her, her hips arching up at the touch. He moved slowly in a circular motion, speeding up when Aria dug her fingers deep into his back. She sped up also, already feeling the carnal pleasures building up inside her. Her breathing increased and she let out another moan, which only sped Cullen up more. When a single finger entered her sex it was enough to send her over. Her walls tightened around his digit and Aria bit down into his shoulder, moans of ecstasy muffled from his flesh as the climax engulfed her body.

With her hand still clutching onto his member, Aria guided Cullen towards her entrance. This was actually going to happen. Aria couldn’t quite believe it.

“Aria,” he moaned against her lips. She felt his chest tighten as he inhaled deeply before entering her. They both let out a groan of sensual pleasure, Aria still tingling. Cullen held himself still, plunging a profound kiss into her at the same time. His pace was slow to begin with. Every thrust pushing deeper into her felt so perfect and overpowering. Cullen dug his head into her neck and Aria into his as his thrusts intensified. She wrapped her legs around his waist, sweat slickening their bodies and movements. Aria was losing herself to him, to the pleasures he was giving her. He had enveloped her, and it only strengthened with each thrust. Unable to hold it any longer, Aria felt her body fall to the ecstasies again and she cried out his name as the heat ran through her.

Cullen responded with a deeper thrust and Aria bit down into his shoulder. He moaned her name into her ear again, the warm air sending electricity down her spine. Then he let out a deep groan and pulled out of her sex, his seed falling to the ground between them.

He crumpled on top of her, their sweaty chests stuck together as their panting bodies regained their breath. Then Cullen bolted up with such force he knocked himself backwards onto the ground.

“Maker, what have I done,” he muttered, his hands clumsily grasping at his breeches in an anxiety fuelled rush to fasten them again.

“Cullen,” Aria breathed, although she didn’t know what to say. He paused, looking up at her. He looked terrified, she realised. Aria leaned forwards, resting a hand on his leg. “Relax,” she smiled and felt a great relief when Cullen’s stiff body did as she commanded, even if it was only for a moment.

“But, you’re the Inquisitor, we’re at war,” he mumbled, his fingers shook as he tried put his shirt on. Aria didn’t reply at first, but dressed in silence. When they were fully dressed and standing, she turned to face him again. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered before Aria had a chance to say her peace, leaving her speechless.

“How could you think-,” another voice broke Aria off.

“Inquisitor!” the voice called out, and Aria spied one of Leliana’s people rushing towards them. He held a missive in his hand, still sealed.

“What’s happened?” she asked, finally glancing towards Cullen who now shared her worry. The scout handed the missive to Aria and she opened it, her mouth dropping as she read the few words Leliana had written.

_A letter from your Mother has arrived in Skyhold._

 


	19. And as I pour my heart...

_You’re an utter fool, you know that? How could you do that to her!_

Cullen rubbed his palm across his mouth, attempting to ascertain today’s events. He has never allowed anyone into his life so open, so whole heartedly before and the entire idea terrifies him. The warnings of his dreams echoes through his mind, making his head ache and pound. The one thing he needed to do was to just _stay away_ from her. Not only did he ignore that warning, but he purposely placed himself in a situation where they were alone and Maker he could not resist her. She was like a drug, one that he needed more of. The dreams showed he would kill her, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stay away because he knew staying away would make little difference now. He had well and truly fallen for the Inquisitor.

_Shit… Well done Rutherford, you have really messed up this time._

Even if Cullen did want to follow his desires, there was no way in Thedas she felt the same way. They were in the middle of a war, for Maker’s sake. Their time together was most likely only a relief from the troubles in both of their lives. Nothing more.

Now, he found himself alone in the Frostbacks with her once more. He had argued, no pleaded, with Leliana for someone else to track down the Venatori with Aria, but he knew deep down it was the most logical approach. After the letter from her mother, the things she had said about Aria. It sickened Cullen to even think about it. It almost came as little surprise when the Inquisitor shared her fears of an assassin in Skyhold sent by Lady Trevelyan, and even less of a surprise to learn it would not be the first time her Mother had sent someone to kill her. So, after sneaking out of Skyhold under the guise of scouts, Cullen once again finds himself alone with her. _You are protecting her,_ he reminded himself. That was the reason they were here. Sneaking out of Skyhold so Leliana could wager if her worries were true or if they were merely fabrications from her Mother’s past discrepancies.

They spoke little when they left, save for discussions on the best route and where to make camp. They rode through the night and much of the day before setting up for the evening. Cullen had prepared the tents, making sure they were a decorous distance from each other, whilst she prepared the fire and meal for the evening. 

After several checks of the tents, the horses, the vicinity of their camp, the tents again, the horses again, the supplies, Cullen admitted defeat and surrendered to sit by the fire. She handed him some soup, which he graciously thanked her for too many times and hoped she put his red cheeks down to hot food and the flames rather than his own embarrassment. He just needed to get through this meal then he could retire to his tent for the evening.

Once he had finished his meal, however, Cullen didn’t move. He watched Aria as she stared into her bowl having barely touched her food. He hadn’t even considered how she must be feeling in this situation.

_A false heretic…. will pay for her crimes…. spoiling the Trevelyan name… no daughter of mine…_

Cullen had to read the letter through several times, in complete disbelief the woman could say such terrible things about Aria – her own daughter. She tried to laugh it off, claiming it was really quite tame for her mother and she must be growing on her, but he could sense the pain beneath her words now. He was so engulfed in his own fears he hadn’t been there for her at all, when she needed him most.

“Are you ok?” she asked, pulling Cullen from his thoughts. He hadn’t realised for how long he had been frowning as he watched her but when she glanced up she saw the sadness in his eyes. And _she_ was asking _him_ if he was ok!

“F…fine, thank you. I was umm… just wondering…hm,” Cullen frowned as once more words eluded him. How did he even want to finish that sentence? Sweat was pouring from his face now, even with the cold winds of the Frostbacks beating down on his skin. His hands were shaking too, how long had they been doing that? His mouth was dry and his mind felt clouded, then it came. Death, pain, torture, the pounding pain within him. He dropped his head in his hands, breathing deeply and willing the withdrawal to rid him. _Not now, please, I beg you._

“Cullen?” Aria was now beside him, soft hand rested on his arm. She was always so kind, so caring in nature. It would be her downfall, Cullen realised.

“I’m fine. Honestly. I just…,” he lifted his head, watching the green pools he adored warily watching him. “How are you? I mean…uh. None of this can be easy for you. The letter… it was-.”

“Exactly what I expected,” Aria interjected coldly. Her hand left Cullen’s arm and she knelt back, fiddling with blades of grass by her feet. “I never was good enough for her. I suppose I was awfully selfish, not wanting the life she had planned out for me.” Aria stroked her ears, a motion Cullen had observed her do whenever speaking of her past. Was she ashamed of them? Of who she was? He felt his heart drop at the very idea this remarkable woman could think so little of herself.

“She was a fool to think so, Aria. Look at what you have accomplished in such a short period of time. Never sell yourself short because of her ludicrously impossible expectations.” She looked at her once more and it took all of Cullen’s will not to reach out when he saw tears fill her eyes. Instead, she wiped her eyes herself and her lips twitch upwards.

“Oh!” she suddenly calls, jumping up from her spot. “I almost forgot!” She darted across the camp towards Bella and began rummaging through her bag. After a few moments she returned with a leather bound book in her hand along with several pencils which earned her a long, quizzical look from the Commander.

“Whilst you were over analysing our camp’s defences for the _thousandth_ time,” she smirked at the comment of his useless attempt to avoid her, “I noticed something. Look.” She flicked through the book, revealing several pieces of writing and sketches from her own hand until she stopped at the most recently used page.

“Is that… Bellitanus?” Cullen asked, scanning the sketch of the constellation. Aria had mapped out the stars precisely, with faint lines to draw the image of it over the stars.

“Yes! I’ve never found the Maiden before. By the time I had sketched it, the clouds had already masked the sky. I’m sorry I didn’t show you sooner.”

“Astounding,” Cullen murmured, still watching the paper. “There is not a queen in history who hasn’t claimed to personify her beauty.” He glanced up to see her grin widen and his own lips twitched upwards into a winsome smile.

“Did you know the people of Tevinter believed Bellitanis would appear when a young maiden was with the man she was destined to love? She would show them the path sometimes even before they knew it themselves.” As soon as the words left Aria’s lips she turned a deep shade of red and dropped her gaze, rapidly closing the book. If it wasn’t for her reaction, Cullen wouldn’t have even considered the link. Now any words he tries to conjure tasted stale on his tongue. This, everything, felt so _right_. 

Maybe she _does_ feel the same way as he. Maybe it _could_ work between them. No, Cullen told himself firmly. Even the dreams which plagued him not a few nights ago showed him the truth of what would happen. It felt so real as he screamed her name, her blood still on her hands. He needed to leave and fast.

“It is late… we have a long day ahead of us,” he said as he stood, “g…goodnight, Ari- Inquisitor.” Just as his hand reached for the doors of his tent, where he would find sanctuary, he was frozen in his path.

“Cullen, wait.”

_Go inside, pretend you didn’t hear._

“There is something…”

_Quick, get away before it’s too late._

“I must say…”

_Oh Maker, no. Please don’t._

“Umm… Goodnight.”

Cullen turned to find her only a few feet away from him, her head in her hands.

“G…goodnight, Inquisitor.”

+++

Blood poured down from his hands. The body of another Mage lay limp by his feet in the grounds of Skyhold. Everywhere he looked there were more. Their power consuming the fortress, destroying everything he had worked so hard to build.

“You will pay for this, Templar,” A voice hissed from behind him but they were no match. Before they could cast, Cullen had already struck his dagger through Dorian’s chest, the Tevinter’s body crumpled down into a lifeless slump smothered in his own blood.

“Leave, all of you!” the Commander bellowed but more and more surrounded him.

_Cullen?_

They engulfed him, hands smothering his body trying to rip him apart. He watched as their eyes turned red, their skin burning away.

“Leave me!” he kicked and thrashed but it was to no avail, there was too many of them.

_Cullen!_

More hands cupped his face, softer than the others. They held him tight, pulling him away from his death.

_Cullen, please!_

 

He awoke, covered in sweat. His chest panted heavily as he lay in the darkness of his tent. It was still night, then. He wiped his brow with the back of his hand although pools of cool sweat congregated all over his skin. They were getting worse. More frequent, also. His head felt like it was about to split in two.

“Cullen?” the voice made him stiffen. Was Aria…. Was she in the tent with him? How long had she been here? Had she witnessed his terror? Maker, was it _she_ who was calling his name in the midst of it all? “Are you ok?”

“Y…yes. Just a bad dream, that’s all. I didn’t mean to worry you,” he panted, using all of his will to calm his breathing. He felt her move and Cullen thought she believed his response and was making an exit. But she didn’t leave, she was only moving herself closer. Cullen felt her legs against his waist, her hand rested softly on his chest.

“I know a night terror when I see one, Cullen.”

Cullen sighed. “I…” he tried to deny it but it was no use. He had seen first-hand her terrors in the night, there was no point trying to hide what this was to her.

“I’m here if you want to talk about it,” Aria said softly. Cullen couldn’t see her in the darkness but he could sense her smile. She really was too caring for her own good.

“No,” he answered a little too forcefully and he felt her body retract.

“Of course. Try and get some rest, at least. I know it’s hard but you will need it after that.” He felt her fingers grip into his chest for a moment before the touch was broken. She shuffled around again and Cullen realised she was leaving.

He didn’t know why he did it, he knew he shouldn’t have. It was as if his body was already upright and reaching out for her before he had a chance to think it through. His hand reached for hers and their fingers intertwined. Her fingers were soft in comparison to his calloused hands and he felt her thumb stroke his. They sat in silence with their hand embraced in the dark.

“Cullen?” she said finally, squeezing his digits.

“Don’t,” he replied and felt her hand try to pull away. It was his turn to tighten his grip. “Go. I mean, don’t go. Stay. Here. With… me.” Aria didn’t reply but stayed motionless by his feet for a few moments. Eventually, still in silence, Aria crawled back over and lay down next to him.

Cullen felt the soft caress of her tunic as she shuffled under the blankets. She hovered with her weight on her hands for a moment and, although it was too dark to see, Cullen turned his head to try and see why. It was then he remembered his hand still sat behind his head with his arm and elbow stretched out. Just as Cullen went to retract it away – giving her the space she needed to lie down properly - Aria lay down in the crack of his body. Her hair tickled his chest and the soft touch of her bare legs against his own made Cullen flinch.

“Only if you want to, of course,” Cullen added dumbly and he felt her chest bounce with quiet laughter. Thankfully it was so dark, she wouldn’t be able to see his face turn as red as a rose.

“I wouldn’t have stayed if I didn’t want to,” she said quietly, nuzzling herself into his chest. He felt himself stiffen when her arm wrapped around his waist. He knew he should stop this but deep down he just didn’t want to. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her tightly - pulling her even closer to him - and planted a kiss on the top of her head. He felt her chest vibrate as she let out a soft moan from the touch. “I will always be here for you, Cullen.”

 

 

She truly was formidable. When they fought together, they were even more of a force to be reckoned with. Any fears or doubts the Inquisitor had about fighting with her staff was uncalled for as Aria struck down the Venatori with ease. They fought perfectly together, without having to say a word they knew exactly what to do.

Aria gave Cullen the support he needed to get closer to the Mages and he prevented any of the mercenaries from getting close to her at all. Now they stood, covered in blood as they were surrounded by death. But they were alive. There were more than the scouts had reported. Now they rummaged through the papers of their camp in the hopes of finding some inkling of why there were there in the first place.

“Cullen,” Aria called as he scanned through another report. She hurried over to him, holding a missive in her hand. This one had smears of blood over paper, most likely it was on one of the men they had killed.

_We need more people, but if you send anymore slaves who are wounded, you will suffer the consequences. Vicinius is incompetent; find someone who is less inept for our next batch._

_I expect this to be organised before the week is out. Do not disappoint me again._

_Calpernia._

“Calpernia, this is the Venatori leader Leliana is investigating?” Aria nodded, folding the paper carefully and placing it in her pocket.

“We should return to Skyhold, I am sure they have had enough time to weed out any possible dangers and we cannot wait to show Leliana this,” Aria said as Cullen did one last search through the Venatori’s belongings.

The pair made to leave but Aria paused, her head low.

“Cullen, a moment.” She sighed deeply, her fingers tapping furiously together in front of her.

“Is everything alright?”

“I’ve been trying to find the right time to…”

“Aria?” Cullen stepped forwards as she lost her words.

“I can’t avoid the things which have happened between us…”

_No. Now she brings it up?_ Cullen’s mouth feels dry, he opens it – trying to form the words- but closes it again. She stared at him, flecks of green made his gaze suspend upon her, completely unable to look away. How could this be happening? What was he going to say?

“After Therinfal, I brushed it off as a one off. But now I find myself unable to…” Aria broke off and Cullen thanked the Maker Himself for her sudden speechlessness.

This could be his chance. To tell her everything. The way she enters his thoughts from the moment he wakes and never leaves him. How butterflies flutter through his stomach whenever as she so much glances towards him. How it damn near breaks his heart to think that it was _he_ who sent her to the circle and to see first-hand the damage that caused. He wanted to pour his heart out to her but that would be selfish because he knew how that story would entail. Him standing over her with blood on his hands. _No._ He swore he would protect her, whatever that means he must do, he _will_ endure it. The night they left, he was weak. The terrors which overpowered him had caused him to seek solace in her. Not again. If he wanted to protect her, he must be stronger.

He dropped his gaze, there was no way he would be able to say what he needed to whilst looking at her. The words felt like death in his mouth, but he knew it was for the best.

“Aria, I’m sorry. It seems I have fallen for my desires in the midst of a war and that is… unworthy of me. I can assure you it will not happen again.”

“Oh… right. Of course. Good. Yes,” Aria stepped back, refusing to look at him. “We should go, to Skyhold I mean.” Cullen watched as she turned on her heel and quickly made to leave the situation she had caused.

_It is for the best._

No matter how often he told himself this, it didn’t help.

 


	20. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two people from Aria's past appear in Skyhold.

“Are you ready?” Aria nodded although she wasn’t. Everything seemed to be going at lightning pace since she took on the role of Inquisitor with no signs of slowing down. As soon as she and Cullen returned to Skyhold, they were hurried into the War room with a rather flustered Leliana and Josephine. The first light had just graced Skyhold when they returned and it was the last thing Aria expected, or wanted for that matter. Her head pounded terribly and she longed for her bed, but this could not wait.

“Yes,” Aria replied hoarse, coughing to regain her voice. “Yes,” she repeated, even though she knew it was a lie. Aria turned the handle to a room she never even knew existed. Leliana had led her down into the undergrounds of Skyhold.

It was dark, save for a few torches dimly burning on the walls. The room was empty except for a chair in the very centre. And on that chair was the man Leliana had captured. The man who had entered Aria’s quarters in the dead of night, expecting to find the Inquisitor. Instead, however, he was greeted with the Spymaster, who by the look of his face, did not take well to the attack. His head was bruised and bloodied, with one of his eyes completely closed from the swelling. His sleeves had been rolled up and his arms too were covered in blood. He was tied to the chair, much too tightly based on the marks around his wrists.

The assassin didn’t respond when they entered the room, not until Aria was directly in front of him. He lifted his head to meet his gaze and a toothless grin spread across his face. It was then Aria remembered. The scar which resonated across his cheek. The black, beady eyes. The bend in his broken nose.

“Hello, little dove.” What happened next was out of Aria’s control. Before she had a moment to even think about it, Aria had punched the bastard so hard his chair had fallen backwards, landing on the floor with a crash.

“Inquisitor!” her advisors called but she ignored them. Instead, Aria grabbed the scruff of his neck and punched him again, and again, and again. It was not until Cullen had grabbed Aria’s arms and dragged her away did she stop.  His hands were tight around her arms as he pulled her to the edge of the room.

“Calm yourself, Aria,” Cullen said quietly but his soft tone would not help her now. How could she be calm right now?

 “Mother sent you then?” she hissed, ripping herself away from Cullen’s grip. His chair had been returned upright and his nose now poured with blood, yet he still had that stupid grin across his face. It made Aria’s stomach turn. She wanted to rip his body apart, to make him suffer as much as she had under his hands.

“You _know_ this man?” Leliana interjected, her normal icy tone laced in bewilderment Aria had never heard before.

“This bastard is my Mother’s pet dog. It was he who held the blade during the blood rituals against me,” the words felt like poison in her mouth. The room stiffened at her words and the thick silence poured from her advisors.

“It seems my Little Dove is all grown up,” Bronn grinned, breaking the silence with his harsh slurs. Aria lunged forwards, her fists clenched tightly but she was grabbed once more by Cullen’s hands. She struggled for a moment in his arms before calming once more.

“Throw him in the cells. I will judge him in due course. In the meantime, send a letter to Ostwick. Tell them their prison guard has lost his way.” Aria did not give her advisors a moment to respond, instead turning on her heel and left.

“Inquisitor!” Varric beamed at Aria when she returned into the main hall. Her head pounded heavily since her return to Skyhold and she was on the edge. “Do you have a moment?”

“Varric, I don’t think I can handle any more bad news of late. Unless this is going to be the best news to date, could it wait until tomorrow?”

“Well it seems I’m going to make your day, Princess.”

++

“Hawke!” Aria cried, jumping forwards to wrap her arms around an old friend. He looked older than she remembered, but this was still Hawke, her friend who had helped her with Varric when she had no one else.

“Maker, I honestly believed Varric was lying about who the Inquisitor was in some ploy to get me here,” he jested, giving Aria that outgoing smile he always did.

“I wish that were true,” Varric said, leaning against the wall beside them.

“I’m not doing that bad, am I?”

“Not at all Princess, nobody in your position could do it better. That doesn’t mean I’d still prefer if it wasn’t you in the middle of this shit storm,” Aria gave Varric a light hit against the arm and smiled at two of her friends. She truly felt lucky, these two men had helped her more in her life than she could ever ask for, even if was only for a short period of time. Now they were back in her life and, even if it was for all the wrong reasons, Aria was truly glad.

They spoke for hours. Old stories which made them cry with laughter, updates on old friends and allies and new stories they had picked up over the years. Eventually, their laughter turned sour as the reason Hawke was hear came to light. They told Aria all they knew of Corypheus, and none of it was particularly welcoming to her. It made the unfeasibility of their victory all the more true, making Aria’s heart drop slightly.

“So I guess we’re off to Crestwood,” Aria sighed. Hopefully his lead on the Grey Warden would give them some inkling of how to defeat this self-proclaimed god.

“And here I thought you were going to tell us how easy all this was going to be,” Varric said, shaking his head.

“If only. I’ll have our ambassador make the necessary preparations for the trip. We should be ready to leave in three days,” Aria said, nodded towards her friends and made to leave. Just as her foot touched the first step, she paused and turned back. “Oh, I would keep a low profile if I was you, Hawke. When Cassandra finds out you’re here, she’ll have Varric’s head on a spike.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a short one! It was needed to lead up to bigger things :)  
> As always, let me know your thoughts


	21. There is beauty in the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Aria scanned through the reports from Scout Harding strewn across the war room table. Fade rifts underwater spreading demons across the land. The dead rising and attacking the folks of Crestwood. And on top of all of that, Highwaymen attacking anyone who dares even come near the place. Maker, this was going to be a _long_ trip. There were so many people in need of help from a town who had already suffered so much. How much more could they go through? She was going to make things right, no matter how long it took. They were leaving for Crestwood tomorrow and Aria had already decided they would not return until the area was safe and secured.

As Lady Montilyet continued to go through various missives from nobles across Fereldon and Orlais, Aria couldn’t help let her gaze wander to the Commander across the table. They had not spoken since their return to Skyhold and, as much as Aria had tried to make sure that would continue, she couldn’t deny that she missed him. She missed how strong he spoke with vehemence over something he believed in. She missed how this Commander would turn into a bumbling, red faced man whenever he was in an awkward situation. Most of all, she missed _him._ His touch, his smell, his taste. Everything about him she missed. But he had said his dues, and made it very clear how he felt about her, and it was not the same as she. _I have fallen for my desires… it will not happen again._ The words ran through her head again and, every time they did, they hurt. At least it would bring her closure, even if it would be painful.

When he glanced over also, Aria felt her heart freeze. He did not look away immediately and their gaze locked with what felt like a life time. It was then she wanted to tell him how she felt, how she _really_ felt and her mouth opened to form the words.

“Inquisitor?” Aria snapped her mouth shut and quickly turned her head back to Josephine. She was holding a rather crumpled missive and a rather concerned look across her face.

“Apologies,” Aria mumbled, raising a hand for Josephine to continue.

“The last thing we need to discuss today is a rather… sensitive matter,” Josephine said warily and it was Cullen’s turn to snap his gaze to the Ambassador. He looked from the missive to the Antivan several times before shaking his head.

“I think we have had enough for today,” he interjected and Aria watched as his fervent gaze pierced into Josephine.

“No, we have time,” Aria replied, curious to what these two were hiding.

“Of course. We have had… well _you_ have had a letter from Fereldon, from Bann Galleghan.”

“Galleghan,” Aria repeated quietly. “Isn’t that Lieutenant Matthews’ family name?” Josephine nodded. Her normal optimistic tone seemed to have waivered since the conversation began. Aria had made a mental note to speak with her Ambassador privately to see what was wrong. She certainly was not herself.

“The Bann has offered a rather generous alliance, with gold, soldiers and lands.”

“Well isn’t that lovely? Although I very much doubt the Bann would off such lavish gifts without wanting anything in return?” Aria asked. She could have cut the tension in the room with a knife as Cullen and Josephine shared another cagey glance towards each other.

“ _Well_?” she snapped when only silence followed her question.

Josephine breathed deeply before speaking, “All of this will be given to you on acceptance of your betrothal of marriage to his youngest son and member of the Inquisition, Matthews Galleghan.”

“I… see,” Aria said, trying to keep her emotions from her voice. She held out her hand towards Josephine and took the missive, reading through it several times. It certainly was a betrothal. From one of her closest friends in the Inquisition, no less.

“I will deal with this matter, thank you,” Aria felt her fingers tighten around the paper as she hurried out of the war room.

 

By the time she made it to the tavern where Matthews was, her anger had dangerously bubbled to the surface. Her knuckles were white because she was clenching her fists so tightly and her clenched jaw ached. He sat with Varric and Hawke- who just added fuel to the flames right now. So much for keeping a low bloody profile whilst at Skyhold.

When Varric spied her walking towards them, he raised his arms and called out happily “Princess! Great timing. We were just about to get another-,” Aria slammed the missive down in front of Matthews, silencing the dwarf. Matt glanced at the paper, his eyes widening before hurriedly pushing himself from his chair and snatching the paper away from the others.

“Did you know about this?” Aria yelled, not bothered that the tavern was full and the cacophony of noise was quickly dwindling. “You absolute bastard, is that why you’re here?” Matthews grabbed her arm and quickly began hurrying her out of the tavern.

“I can explain,” he said quickly as he pushed through the crowd. He led her towards a set of training dummies- ones which Cassandra normally was found to be beating within a very inch of their lives- where there was some privacy.

“Aria,” he sighed, dropping his head for a moment. He raised a hand which he rubbed rough against his forehead.

“I trusted you, I thought you were my friend,” Aria felt tears in her eyes as the words spilled from her. Someone she thought had her back, who was a true friend. It was all a lie, just to gain his family more status within this corrupted world. The thought made her feel sick.

“I begged my father not to send this, Aria, please believe me.”

“But you knew it was coming. If that were true, why didn’t you tell me? Instead of hiding behind your father’s fucking promises.”

“No… please. I promise you I wanted no part in this. It’s another fucking plan from my father to gain more status. I told him I was not interested and that you would never agree to it. When Josy showed me this, I begged her not to tell you, to just ignore it and-.”

“Wait? You’ve already seen this?” Aria pulled the letter from his hands and waved it in front of him. Once again his eyes widened at his outburst.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you. That was wrong of me. But I can promise you this had _nothing_ to do with me. Besides, even if I wanted to agree to this, which I don’t,” he hurriedly added when Aria’s face almost exploded with fury. “I could never get in the way of you and Cullen. That would be unworthy of me.”

“Me and… There is _nothing_ going on with the Commander and I,” Aria hissed. How in the Maker did this conversation get onto _that_ topic? Aria took a deep breath and exhaled, closing her eyes for a moment as she did. With that she felt herself calm, even if only slightly.

“Oh please. If you two don’t fuck soon, one of you will explode from all the sexual tension.” Aria raised a hand to argue, opening her mouth but no words came. Instead, she dropped her hand and her head as her face reddened deeply. A huge grin now spread across Matthews’ face as he looked down at Aria.

“Maker, you already have!”

“Cullen has made it very clear he’s not interested. There is nothing going on between us, nor will there ever be,” Aria said sadly. The truth hurt more each time she said it.

“Well, for someone who isn’t interested, he certainly was passionate when he was warning me not to go through with the betrothal yesterday,” the grin on his face only widened as he spoke.

“Wait, what?”

“After Josy showed us the letter, Cullen came to me and warned me against you. I doubt anyone would have spoken about someone in that way if they aren’t interested, Trevelyan.”

“He _warned_ you against me?” Aria shouted, much louder than she intended causing two soldiers to pause in their tracks as they walked past. There was something which still didn’t add up in all of this however. “Why did Josephine show you the letter before me?” Aria asked. The look on Matt’s face told Aria everything she needed to know. “That explains why she sounded so sad when she told me about it.” Aria was aware the Lieutenant and Ambassador knew each other before the Inquisition but was unaware they were quite so close.

“We have agreed not to pursue our… feelings towards each other,” Matthews admitted, although it was clear he merely acquiesced to this concept rather than agreed to it whole-heartedly.

“Why in Thedas would you do that?”

“She is the ambassador and your advisor, and I am a Lieutenant in the Inquisition’s army in the middle of a war. It would not be appropriate.”

“Yet you are encouraging me to pursue the Commander?” Aria protested, raising an eyebrow at him. Not an hour ago, she wanted to kill him. The very thought made her cheeks flush. Once again, Aria had rushed into a situation without assessing it. She had assumed Matt was in on the proposal and was merely there to help his family. Now, as she stood before him, she realised how ridiculous that could have been. Since he joined, he had not only supported the Inquisition, but he had been her friend. He had comforted her when it all became too much, he had calmed her when she was beyond rage, he had made her laugh so many times she had lost count. Yet she had accused him without a second thought. When he had been a true friend, she had not.

She thought back to times where she had seen him and Josephine together. The way they shared glances, the way the smiled at each other, the saddened look on their faces when the other left. It was so clear now. Yet they were hiding from their feelings because of her, because of the Inquisition.

“You’re right. We are in the middle of a war,” Aria rested a hand on his arm. “We could die tomorrow, Matt. Or the day after that. Could you ever forgive yourself not allowing this chance of happiness amongst all this darkness?”

“Josy is your advisor; she would never let anything interfere with the Inquisition.”

“I’ve seen the way Josephine has been lately, she is not herself. Only you can rectify that. So, as Inquisitor, I formally give you my blessing. And I order you to go and tell her right now.” Aria raised her arm and pointed towards the main hall but jumped when Matthews lunged forwards and hugged her tightly.

“Thank you,” he breathed in her ear. “But what of you and Cullen?” he asked when he released her.

“You might be up for promotion after I kill him,” Aria snapped, anger filling her as once more at the mere mention of his name.

“I’m taking your advice, Trevelyan. Perhaps you should do the same,” Matthews winked before rushing off, and Aria was sure she saw a literal skip in his step as he did.

+++

Cullen sat lazily in his chair with the latest report on their supplies in his hand. He had shed his armour – his body had begun to ache from the weight – and was now sitting in a shirt and under trousers. With the sun setting, his office began to dull save for the candles spread across the room. They gave enough light to read the reports but it was a strain in comparison to the natural light he had used all day.

With the recent influx in new recruits, they needed more weapons and armour. He wrote down a supply list which he would send to Josephine at first light. With supplies organised, Cullen picked up the next report. It felt as if each one he read through, three more appeared. An ever growing pile of missives, Cullen wondered whether it would be he or the pile which would see its end first.

A plea for help from Fereldon, demons attacking a small town was his next missive. They had had many of these of late and it was stretching the Inquisition thin to reply to all of these. Cullen couldn’t let one of these go unanswered. The Inquisition would answer their call, whatever way they can, even if he had to go himself. Whilst rubbing his neck and the permanent knot bringing the strain, Cullen sighed. The reports are definitely going to win.

His door suddenly crashed open, bringing a freezing gust of wind which blew the many organised papers on his desk up into the air.

“Maker’s breath! Be a little more careful,” Cullen snapped at his recruit as he reluctantly picked up the papers from the floor. It would take him hours to go through all of these again, back into his organised system. Whoever this was, they were going to regret it.

Muttering curses under his breath, Cullen stood to scorn the recruit for interrupting him so rudely, but jumped when he looked up to find Aria standing in his office with no recruits in sight. Her chest heaved up and down as her hands tightly held onto a piece of parchment. Her hair was tangled and loose curls fell over her face.

“Inquisitor?”

“Who the fuck do you think you are!” she cried, storming forwards and slamming her hands against his desk.

“Excuse me?” was the only words he could conjure. That only seemed to make her angrier as she shoved much of the contents of his desk onto the floor. The papers he had saved now flooded the floor once more, with ink pots, books and a cup of water joining them.

“I’ve just had a rather enlightening conversation with Matt. He told me how you threatened him to not go through with the betrothal his father had sent.” It had been a long time since she had spoken to him with such abhorrence, not since Haven when they found it demanding to hide their revulsion for each other.

“Aria, it’s not what you-.”

“You will address me as Inquisitor,” she hissed, making Cullen flinch. He didn’t know why he had spoken to Matthews about the betrothal but when Josephine had brought it to him, he couldn’t help it. The thought of them together damn near broke his heart. Yet it was wrong of him. He had pushed her away once again then interfered with her chance of happiness.

“Inquisitor,” Cullen rectified, “I was doing what I thought was in your best interests. Clearly, I was wrong.”

“ _My_ best interests? Don’t give me that bullshit. You were marking your fucking territory,” Aria hissed, her tone filling with more disgust with every word. Cullen walked around the desk to stand in front of her but she back away. “Don’t you _dare_ touch me.”

“Ari… Inquisitor, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have intervened, I-,” Cullen couldn’t finish the sentence. To finish it would be to admit how he felt. How he lies awake at night unable to sleep because of her. How whenever she looks at him, he feels his heart skip a beat. He has never felt this way about anyone and he let his own jealousy interfere with her best interests.

“So what is it? Since we fucked nobody else can have me? Seriously, Cullen, I need to understand why you would do such a thing.”

“That is not what I intended. Had I known your feelings towards the Lieutenant I would never have-,” Cullen cried out as Aria’s hand crashed into his face, leaving a hot sting across his cheek.

“You think _that_ is why I am so angry? I do _not_ have feelings for Matthews, but that is beside the point!” her voice became shrill; Cullen had never heard her scream so loud. “Even though you make it very clear you feel nothing for me, you still take it upon yourself to meddle in my personal affairs? You don’t want me, yet nobody else can have me either?” Aria sobbed, her hands brushed through her hair and pulled at it tightly.

“I never said I didn’t want you,” Cullen muttered quietly, dropping his gaze from her.

“You… what?”

“I did it because the thought of you with anyone else broke my heart,” he admitted, meeting her gaze once more. Her face had relaxed slightly, as had her breathing.

“But you said….” Aria trailed off, tears now welling in her eyes. A single drop ran down her cheek and Cullen reached out to wipe it away. Her skin was soft under his hand, warm and welcoming; he never wanted to break the touch.

“I thought it was the right thing to do although it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. But you’re a mage-.”

“Oh I see,” Aria hissed, pushing his hand away, “Maker forbid a Templar could ever be close with a dirty mage.”

“I _was_ a Templar. And with that, I know what they are capable of and what they swear to do. I pushed you away because I didn’t want to hurt you,” Cullen said calmly. The dreams came back to him, and he had to clench his eyes shut to rid them from his mind. It was becoming increasingly difficult each day without lyrium, making the dreams more vivid every time.

“Cullen, you could never hurt me,” she said, barely a whisper as more tears escaped her eyes.

“I’ve pray to the Maker every day for that to be true, Aria,” he wiped away another tear and she placed her hand on top of his own, holding it in place. He should tell her that he had stopped taking lyrium but once again he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. To tell her of this, he would also have to admit he was struggling, failing to fight it. How he yearned for it more and more each day. “But I have already caused you so much pain. The things I have done, the way I have treat you. I have tried to distance myself but I cannot resist you.”

“Nor I you. But I don’t want to resist you, Cullen, no matter how much I have told myself otherwise.” Cullen flinched when he felt her hands on his waist and she stepped closer. He rubbed his thumb against her cheek as he watched her beautifully green eyes widen.

“This could end very badly,” Cullen’s head inched towards hers now only a few inches away.

“It could,” she whispered, her breath warm against his lips. Cullen inhaled her scent deeply.

“Maker, but you are a sin, woman,” he muttered, unable to control himself any longer. He kissed her so fervently she stumbled back, reaching for the desk to keep her balance. He felt the carnal desires build in him with every touch and, when she breathed his name against his lips, he let out a growl as his mouth twitched upwards into a smile and lifted her up so she sat on the edge of his desk with him pushed close between her legs. He had tried to keep away from her, Maker knows he had _really_ tried, but it was for naught. He wanted her more than anything in his life, and she felt the same. Maker, _she_ wanted him too!

Cullen couldn’t even remember losing their clothes, it was if he was drunk on the very pleasures he never wanted to forget. And as their bodies intertwined, as they cried out each other’s names in their climax, for the first time Cullen thought this could work. That they could truly be happy together. No matter what happened, that was a feeling he would never forget.

 

The next morning, Cullen woke up - not covered in sweat or in panic from the terrors in his dreams- happy. No terrors came to him, no demons tormented his sleep. He lazily rubbed his eyes, feeling around his bed in search for Aria. When the bed turned out to be empty, he jerked upwards, trying to open his eyes from the light which bore down on him from the hole above him. Both Aria and Josephine had said on several occasions how quick it and easy it would be to repair but he refused. He searched around the room, relaxing as he found her standing beside the bed. His cock twitched at the sight of her and he quickly pulled on a pair of trousers which sat beside the bed to hide his desire and sat upright, with his legs dangling off the bed. She stood wearing nothing bar his mantle, which wrapped around her shoulders and hung down to her waist.

“I did always wonder your attraction towards this but now I know. It is so… _comfortable,”_ she sighed happily as her hands stroked and fondled his mantle lazily. “How do I look?” she said, giving Cullen a twirl and revealing more of her luscious bare skin. She truly was beautiful. Everyone who felt like this probably said the same thing but this was different. A beauty that flourishes in his heart every time she gives him that smile, every time she laughs. There was nothing more precious and, for reasons Cullen couldn’t comprehend, she had chosen him. _Him._ The broken former Templar who had thrown her in the circle.

“You look…” Cullen stuttered, unable to finish the sentence and instead rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I think I might get one.”

“Maker, no!” Cullen shouted, making Aria frown. He stood and took her waist in his hands, pulling her towards him. “If you walked around…looking like _that…_ I fear I would get _very little_ work done.” Cullen smiled and Aria wrapped her arms around his neck, planting a soft kiss on his lips. It sent shockwaves through his whole body, making him tingle.

“About last night,” he said, making her frown once more.

“Before you say anything else, just know that if you push me away once more I will be forced to set your office on fire.”

“I… wait what?” Cullen quizzed but Aria only laughed, her hands dropping down to stroke his bare chest, making his lips twitch upwards. “I do not doubt that for a second.

“Good. Now what did you want to say?”

“I wanted to make sure this is what you want, what you _truly_ want. What I mean is, I don’t know… I would understand if… mhm,” he became tongue tied once again, unable to convey what he wants.

“Cullen, I can’t deny I have had difficulties in my life. My head, it is like a storm inside. So destructive and loud _all the time_ ,” Aria raised her hands onto her head and leant her forehead against his chest for a moment. When she pulled back, Cullen saw as her lip trembled slightly until she shook her head. “That is until I’m with you. When you’re around, it’s like the storm has calmed and I feel a peace that I haven’t felt since…. Well ever actually. So to answer your question. Yes, it is what I want, _you_ are what I want, that is more certain than anything in my life.” Cullen leant down and kissed her, relishing in her taste against his lips. He held her waist tight and pulled her closer to him, turning their kiss into an embrace feeling the softness of his own mantle against his cheeks.

“I will do everything in my power to keep you safe,” he whispered and Aria tightened her grip around him even more.

“I’m leaving for Crestwood today, but I think I could be a little late this morning, can you?”

“We have many new recruits that Ser Barris and I need to-,” Aria gave him a shove and raised a brow at him. “Oh, _ohhh._ Yes, I think I can be a little late.”

“Good,” Aria purred and pushed him down on the bed. As she sat on his lap, she reached for the mantle and went to pull it off, only stopping when Cullen reached for her hands.

“No, leave it on,” he hummed, planting soft kisses against her neck. He felt her chest bounce as she let out a laugh, which turned into moans as she sank deeper into his touch.

“Very well, Commander,” she purred once more, one hand stroked the muscles down his back whilst the other locked into his hair, pulling at it affectionately. Cullen nuzzled his head into the mantle, cherishing her gasp when his tongue found her nipple. Her hips rocked back and forth against him as he lazily tongued her breast, his hand fondling the other. Every moan which left her lips made Cullen buzz with excitement. All he wanted to do was bring her happiness; to give her the joys in life she had missed for so many years. This was something not even the demons could stop him from accomplishing, he would not fail her.

His fingers trailed down her waist, gently stroking her skin down to her waist. Just as his fingers stroked her already soaked sex, she grabbed his head in his hands and kissed him again, her tongue pushing deep into his mouth. She bit his lip when a single digit entered her and moaned his name when a second one joined. She lazily rocked against his fingers as his thumb gently circled her clit. With each touch, her breathing accelerated until she bit down on her shoulder, muffled cries escaping her mouth.

Cullen wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting them both from the bed, the mantle falling loosely onto the floor. Her legs were tight against his hips as he rested her against his bedside table. Unable to wait any longer, he held his member in his hand and guided it towards her. The warm touch of her entrance against the tip of his cock made him groan again. Just as he was about to enter, he froze, suddenly aware of what he was about to do.

Looking up at Aria, he stuttered, “May I?” Aria’s eyes widened at his question. With her lip tight between her teeth, she reached for his hips and pulled him closer. Cullen moaned into her neck at the feel of her around him.

“Yes,” she laughed in his ear. Cullen’s thrusts were slow to begin with, revelling in the feeling of the perfect fit inside of her. One hand gripped her ass whilst the other ran through her hair as Aria’s hands dug into his back. He wanted this moment to last forever, yet at the same time he chased the carnal pleasures each push brought them. The table banged against the wall now, echoing around the room but that only made him speed up all the more. Aria cried out her name as she climaxed once more, her head tilting back revealing her slender neck. Another part of her body so perfect, Cullen couldn’t help but nuzzle his mouth into it.

“C..Commander?” A voice called from below, making Cullen freeze. Of all the times for one of his men to call on him now! Aria bit her lip to stifle a laugh, her face scrunching up and letting out cute giggles.

“Leave it on my desk and go, I’ll be down shortly!” he called over his shoulder, pleading for them to leave. His head snapped back to Aria when he felt her hips rocking back and forth against him, not waiting until the recruit had left. Her smile widened even further when she saw the look of shock on his face. Maker, what if they heard, what if they _saw?_

“Lieutenant Matthews is-.”

“I said go, recruit!” Cullen yelled, frowning at Aria as he had to stifle another groan.

When he heard the door shut, he growled in her ear, “You are _terrible._ ”

“I know,” she laughed, “but you love it.”

“Well, I can’t deny that.”

Even with their unwelcome visitor, it did not spoil their morning and neither Cullen or Aria made any attempt to quiet themselves as they cried out each other’s names again and again.

“We should probably leave separate,” Cullen said as they dressed themselves, instantly feeling his cheeks redden when Aria raised a single brow. “Not that I don’t want people to know about us…. I would just prefer if…  I don’t want people thinking it was… Oh Maker.”

“Cullen, relax,” Aria smiled, planting a kiss on his cheek when she walked over to pick up her boots. “You go, I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

“Promise me you will be safe,” he said as he lightly kissed her lips before walking over to the ladder.

“Putting my boots on? It _is_ a rather dangerous job,” Aria teased. “But of course, you have nothing to worry about.”

“I wish that was true,” he said as he descended the ladder.

The sun seemed brighter than usual when Cullen left his office for the main hall; many of his men already in position of their duties for today.

“Commander!” Matthews ran towards him. “Slept in? That’s not like you?” the Lieutenant said mischievously with a rather large grin across his face.

“Oh, yes,” Cullen mumbled, finding it difficult to meet his eye. Does he know? Almost definitely, he seemed to know everything about Aria. “If you don’t mind I have much to do and-.”

“I won’t take much of your time; I was just hoping there was something you could help me with?”

“Very well,” Cullen said, “What is it?”

“We are leaving for Crestwood within the hour yet I am unable to find the Inquisitor, have you seen her?”

“Umm... No, no. No I haven’t,” Cullen spoke too quickly. He always was a terrible liar. Mia could tell straight away whenever he lied, or cheated, or stole. It made it impossible to hide anything from her, although at least it prevented him from any poor choices as a child.

“Oh you _haven’t?”_ Matthews grinned, “So that isn’t her just leaving your office?” Cullen spun around so fast he almost fell over to find Aria standing in front of them, her face bright red likely matching his own.

“Oh... Lieutenant, Commander, good morning,” she said a little too formally.

“Inquisitor! How strange. I was just asking the Commander where you were but he didn’t seem to know, yet here you are leaving his office not a minute after him?”

“I was just leaving a report in his office,” Aria said, although it almost sounded like a question and Cullen shook his head.

“I see you took my advice, Love,” Matthews tapped her on the arm and Cullen watched as her face reddened even further. “Now, hurry up and kiss goodbye, we have a Grey Warden to find.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having never written it before this fan fic, I find smut incredibly fun to write but also very difficult!  
> As always, your comments are much appreciated :)


	22. Crestwood

The reports had been devastating, but seeing truly was believing. And Aria believed now. The amount of death, demons and despair she had witnessed was exhausting. At first, she thought Hawke and the others would protest to dealing with the rift beneath the lake before finding the warden, but they all agreed without question. Now, back at camp, they lay around the fire, still covered in remnants of today’s fight.

Bull handed Aria a wine skin- it was sickly sweet but hit the spot after today. She smiled handing it back, unable to find the words to actually thank him.

“You were impressive today,” Hawke said, sitting down beside her. She gave him a wave while stifling another yawn. “You have changed a lot since I met you in Kirkwall.”

“Hopefully for the better,” Aria sighed, shifting herself to see her friend. The lines on his face had grown and stretched, and Aria could see flecks of grey through his jet black hair now. He seemed bigger too, not in weight but more muscular if that were even possible. For a mage, he had the build of a warrior.  Hawke nodded at her, rubbing his hand through his beard.

“How are you finding it all? When I met you, you were just a girl. Now you are a leader. People look up to you, depend on you.”

“I have a lot of people to supporting me, that helps a lot,” Aria admitted. “We still have a long way to go though. But what about you? I heard about what happened in Kirkwall, You and Anders… I… I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help.” Hawke smiled softly at Aria and patted her gently on the arm but did not reply. Instead, he watched the flames dancing in front of him.

“Do you miss him?” Aria asked when the silence became unbearable. She instantly regretted the question when she saw the sadness in his eyes.

“Yes,” he said finally, not breaking the gaze. “Always.” Hawke stood without saying another word and made for the tents. As she watched the mage leave, Aria’s mind wandered to Cullen. A thick grin spread across her face, making her cheeks flush. He would be sitting by his desk right now, likely moaning at one of Josephine’s people as they brought him a hot meal he didn’t want, yet would scoff it down when they had gone. She remembered how they left, and how the broken pieces of their relationship were finally coming together. All she wanted to do was to run back to Skyhold and see him again, although she knew that was ridiculous. Instead, she too scurried to her tents, thinking of the man she had grown to care for more deeply than she ever thought she could.

 

****

“Well… shit,” Aria mumbled. Stroud eyed her carefully, still wary of her.

“Shit indeed,” Varric agreed.

“Does Corypheus truly have such power over the Grey Wardens?” Dorian asked, almost sounding impressed by the abilities of this false god. Aria gave him a scolding look before turning back to Stroud and Hawke.

“Thank you for this. You have greatly helped us,” Aria nodded towards them.

“Then we will scout out Adamant, we will send a raven with what we have learned.”

Aria left the cave with her head swimming even more with information, if that was even possible. What she couldn’t understand though was Blackwall. How did he not mention that he had heard this calling too? Or was he somehow immune to it? There were so many questions reeling through her, ones that she must find an answer to. But first, Crestwood needed much more help.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for such a long delay between chapters! It has been a very busy past few weeks, but I'm glad to be back writing again! Also, apologies for the short chapter. It was hard to get back into the swing of things.  
> As always, your thoughts are appreciated :)


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